Love Multiplies!

Thanksgiving ramblings

2010-11-24T11:56:00.000-08:00

Wow! so a friend of mine invited my WHOLE FAMILY over for thanksgiving this year, and we are in prep mode, getting ready to go. I need to make the "Lutheran Corn", the "Pink Goop" the Thanksgiving tree, and a variety of misc. items for dinner, so i'm praying i don't forget anything as I tend to be flakey. No, let me rephrase that- I INVENTED flaky. If you look up "flakey" in the dictionary, you will see a picture of me! same with "Gullible" ;-)

Anyway, this is such a treat for me because, i HATE cooking. I just REALLY REALLY hate cooking! In fact, i have a deal with my family that i'll make real food on thanksgiving, but Christmas is finger food and perhaps pancakes in the morning- since its totally not fair for ME to never get a break on holidays!!! And Since JoAnn likes things to be "just so" She's doing the vast majority of cooking! And i have to admit, while i do HATE cooking i LOVE homecooked food!! I really need to get over the whole hatred of cooking thing. Anyway, Going to the Kuhns' for Thanksgiving is much more than about food though. For several years when my BFF Teresa And my friend Amy, and whatever of Teresa's family could make it, came to Federal Way, and we had thanksgiving at the Matz' church. it was SO MUCH FUN. Just seeing all the children playing together, all the women gathered together cooking, all the men watching the tube and the babies. It felt so REAL so "thanksgivingish" Its HARD to be away from family on thanksgiving, and God is really opening my eyes to "God Family" or the people that God provides for us to act as family, when biological family either isn't available or just plain lets you down. I LOVE THAT about God! if you look deep enough, you will see that He NEVER leaves you without enough! Sometimes our own human greed makes that hard to see, but i'll tell you, i am a blessed woman. I have a LOT on my plate, and i have a LOT of baggage to deal with, and i'm not going to sugar coat all of it- its HARD. but i have a very very FULL life, and i KNOW that my father in heaven KNOWS that that's how i roll- i'd never be satisfied with a simple, basic life. I'm a doer- an achiever- and God's created me that way! And as a result my life reflects that! Someday i'm going to make a mark on the world- i can be sure of that.

So today, i'm thanking God for the gift of "God Family" And all those special people in my life who help make me complete- you KNOW who you are! I love you! and i'm grateful for your presence in my life!

To write love on her arms day!

2010-11-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

Today is a special day, its "to write love on her arms day"

This is a day to raise awareness for people with depression. It has a lot of meaning for me because i struggle with depression. I have had a very difficult childhood, was sexually abused since toddlerhood and psychologically abused pretty constantly. I get post-partum depression SEVERELY, to the point where its really a life or death situation when i am post-partum, and i have 7 children :-) God is GOOD, and i'm alive! I also struggle with general mild depression when not pregnant or post-partum. I have post traumatic stress disorder as well which is under control but i think contributes to the depression issues I have. Anyway, one thing about people who have dealt with depression is that often we feel marginalized, since there are very very REAL effects that cause us to view the world differently, and get affected in weird ways that can be embarrassing, etc.

I am participating in this challenge because i hope that people will ask me what the words on my arms are about. I love having the opportunity to share God's love with others, and what better opportunity than this!

here's the blurb from the facebook page
To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering. On this day, just write love on your arms, and show it off, other people will ask why you have love written on your arms, and you tell them you are supporting to write love on her arms day, and how its benefiting a non profit organization helping stop depression, and make love the movement ♥

on November 12-13th write love on yours arms, and upload pictures here to show your support

some of my bookmarks

2010-10-29T19:32:00.000-07:00

So i'm on my extra computer, that we used till we got our new one, and i thought i'd get my bookmarks on to my laptop, and i thought what better way to make sure they get there, and share my fabulous finds with others than to post here! so enjoy.

Scrapbooking:

http://www.karenika.com/
http://www.karenika.com/category/digital.html
http://site.scrapbookexpress.com/blog/
http://sketchesbytamara.blogspot.com/
http://nvsgirls.blogspot.com/
http://pamelasworldofscrap.blogspot.com/
http://mysketchworld.blogspot.com/

Homemaking:

http://www.groupcooking.blogspot.com/
http://orgjunkie.com/
http://www.suegregg.com/teaching/WholeFoodsCookingLessons.htm

Homeschooling:
http://donnayoung.org/index.htm
http://practicalpages.wordpress.com/free-pages/

Things...

2010-10-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

Things are looking up! Despite a NASTY bout of the flu that hit everyone in our family, except possibly nikolas, which is weird, since he's the one that tends to be most likely to get sick, i'm feeling much better! My quest to pray for that particular person and his family is going well, and i'm not crying as much. In fact not barely at all. I guess we'll see how it goes when i go to church- we had to miss it this weekend since that was our peak day- just about EVERYONE was sick. I hate getting sick, no one babies me! There's 2 types of sick people, laid back, people that sort of shrink into themselves and you barely notice they are there when they are sick, which would be like my oldest, Alex, and then there's whiny, needy sick people, like nikolas, my second oldest! i'm pretty sure i'm the latter. So, anyway, i know its just a season, and eventually, my dh will learn to baby me :-) and there won't be ACTUAL Babies to baby :-) But right now is difficult in a lot of ways. But its all good, life is moving on nicely. The dudes had a successful 15 month well baby, and that went well. Sadly our favorite burger place was CLOSED when we went for baby appointments/date night last night :-( Today we are getting back on track with group school and back on track with our routine generally. I'm hoping to get a good bit of scrapping done since i've been tied up with house stuff and sick people stuff the past few days. I'm really needing a creative outlet! I'd love to take my Design team kit and use it down to nothin'! i LOVE scrapping fall.. What i REALLY should do is take advantage of some, of this sun and bring everyone outside to do some nature sketching! hmm... we'll see! Anyway, after my last post i figured i'd better update :-) God Bless,
Rebecca

Aching, wrenching pain.

2010-10-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

I'm going through a hard time right now. I know its all going to work out, i know that ultimately, i'm "OK" but at the same time, i can't even put into words what i'm going through. Andy doesn't get it, but at the same time he has this constant level of underlying hostility. He knows his territory has been invaded, badly invaded, sacked plundered and left for dead. I think in any other circumstance, i would give up. Really, i would have given up long ago. Because this is not my first major trial. But the fact is, i'm the daughter of the king. I'm the beloved child of the most high God and I am untouchable. I just don't feel like it right now. But my daddy is one powerful dude and this situation breaks his heart. And he WILL make things right. So my job is to do what feels impossible and pray for this person, and this person's family. pray for this person's salvation, and for this person's sanctification. Pray that this person can overcome the pain that caused this person to use me and betray me. Thankfully the power of forgiveness is much more powerful than I. I think every time i cry about the situation, i'll take that opportunity to pray for this person and the family of this person. I'll be doing a lot of praying. And that's ok.

too much

2010-10-19T23:51:00.000-07:00

right now i'm feeling like the weight on my shoulders is just too much. And when i write it all down, it IS. Its not the events on my calendar, or the tasks i have to get done, though those are also pretty thickly packed right now too. But the bigger issues are the things that God is asking me to do. They are HARSH, and HEAVY, i don't even know how to describe it. I can't really get into specifics, but suffice to say that i'm certain that these burdens do indeed come from God, Its HARD and i'm having a difficult time finding the strength to go on. In a way, just the fact that i'm asked to do these things indicates to me that God thinks i'm awfully special, and that totally SHOULD make me feel better, but it doesn't. All i can think about is how to get from day to day, and fight the intrusive thoughts going through my head and fight feelings of worthlessness and guilt. I could really use prayer right now. I'm "Ok" i'm not in any immediate danger and i'm not feeling like i'm going into psychosis again or anything, but i do feel like i'm close to the breaking point, and i'm hanging on and trusting Him with all my might, but i'm having a hard time with the feelings of fear that are coming along with it. Clear as mud? probably... ah well... i'm going to go to sleep and things will be better in the morning, they always are. However, i have a very hard day ahead of me. But i'm not going to think about it. Positive thoughts... positive thoughts... sigh...

It is what it is

2010-10-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

So here it is, Wednesday, October 13th. on the upswing from what i think is a sinus infection and a massive case of vertigo. spent the whole day in bed yesterday other than an ill advised but thankfully short drive to safeway to procure all the groceries we'd need for a while with a TON of coupons, and i escaped that trip both without killing anyone AND within the impossible budget, SCORE! So now i'm waiting to go pick up alex who is hopefully taking his PSAT test, despite the fact that he forgot both his pencils AND his cheat sheet i made for him yesterday which gave him explicit directions on what he was to do, ie. arrive at 7:15, check in at the office, go to room 202, etc. I am baffled as to what i can possibly do to help this child more. I know that many truly brilliant people had/have trouble functioning on a daily basis, but i'd really hoped i could help alex get over this massive flakyness. And yes, he gets it from me, which is a bummer. And yes, i still have nightmares about forgetting my locker combination and other various flaky person issues. So while one CAN live a functional life, it still has long term effects. And that's just being a smart person, i'm NOT brilliant like him. Yikes.

So we'd been expecting my bff and her family to come stay with us for the weekend, and its looking like that's not happening, which is badly messing with the OCD side of my brain, and making me a little crazy, and sad. Its our 16th anniversary friday and i was hoping to celebrate with our "God family" Oh well. Maybe we'll try to find a sitter for sometime this weekend and go out just the two of us instead. Date night is LONG overdue and hard to get. I have a friend who babysits for a reasonable rate but even reasonable isn't doable most of the time right now. I'm trying to constantly remind myself that the financial situation isn't permanent, and the baby situation isn't permanent, but they are both making life feel really bleak right now. My Neighbor keeps reminding me that the babies won't be whacked out forever, and she's right. But i'm tired.

What was i thinking??

2010-09-23T12:01:00.000-07:00

yeah, the whole busy every second thing.... NOT working. There are two words to describe my life right now. "Train" and "Wreck" Really. ugg. Things have got to go up from here, though, right? and the babies won't be babies for ever, and all my friends are praying for me, and its all going to be ok, right?

Day 2!

2010-09-14T20:41:00.000-07:00

Of my new busy life....

First off, one thing about me is that i do NOT like a booked schedule. I'm a homebody. We homeschool MAINLY at home, I prefer to not go places, particularily without Andy and with all the kids! So when i did the math and realized i had monday, tuesday, and wednesday evenings booked and friday afternoons really detailedly packed, i was concerned to say the least. I'm always the one warning others of the dangers of having a too packed schedule! Well, when i was emailed and asked to be a table leader at mops, my first reaction was to laugh. HA! THAT'S not happening! But after praying about it and rearranging some things in my schedule, its now a done deal!

So tonight i went to my first meeting there, and my first of a new Bible study group, which was crazy, busy and fun. Leaving one meeting late to get to another, late... In the future i'll probably go to Bible study every tuesday except the Leadership meeting. But anyway, It was today, and I was praying about it, and it hit me. It's TIME. And i understood exactly what that meant. Its been a long, hard slog. My whole life, but in particular, the last couple years have been tough. I spent a good amount of time wondering if i'd ever be useful to ANYBODY. I knew from really early on that i was here for a reason, I sensed God's presence and when i was little, i had no idea what it meant, but as i grew into adulthood things fell into place. What did not fall into place though was my state of mind. As soon as i moved out of my parents' houses, PTSD hit with a vengeance. I went through lots of therapy, lots of years of flashbacks and a whole lot of suffering, a lot of tears, a lot of antidepressants- just plain a LOT! the last few years have been colored by various other trials, the biggie happening a couple of years ago. Not going to slog through THAT again, truly, i'm ready to be DONE with it. But it was big and left me feeling even more broken than i felt before, which is impressive. There were a few people in my life who believed in me. My fabulous husband, who refused to let me self destruct into oblivion, my bff Teresa who was never afraid to speak the truth, gently but firmly. My awesome friend Amy, who never judged me and was one of the FEW who didn't completely abandon me. And Stacy, my amazing prophetic friend who, the day I met her, knew that she would change my life. And she did. And having recieved an email from the new leader of MOPS, asking me to be a table leader, and initially laughing, but later getting the message that it was "Time" I realized, that I am indeed useful. I've been in a long season of taking. 5 months of bedrest followed with a year of raising twins, didn't leave me a lot of time or brainpower to be useful to ANYONE and one still might argue that's the case, but i feel like its time for me to give back, and as is in most cases of giving back, to be fed myself. I think that the blessing God intends for me here is SUCCESS. I spend sooooo precious little time being successful. Well, that's not true. Really, each day that everyone stays alive is a success in itself, but its hard to see it that way. With one baby at a time, its hard to feel successful, with two, hard becomes impossible. I guess i can't suppose I know what God's intentions are for me, but i can feel its bigness. And i'm excited, and extremely willing to dive in with both feet, and have faith, even though I don't know where i'm going, and what lies even a few steps ahead of me. And if i fall on my face, i'm doing to try a lot harder to handle it more gracefully than before. I think that's what my job is at this time.

Wow....

2010-09-13T20:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i almost dare not say a thing, for fear that i'll suddenly find myself awakened from a dream and not really living this life for real, but i dare say that after 2 years of living in the pits of despair, things might be looking up!

I really truly mean it too, i know i'm prone to melodrama, but truly, the last two years almost exactly, two years, have been a test of my ability to persevere in a big way. I've been hit with virtually every trial imaginable. Ok, well that is melodramatic. I haven't faced EVERY trial but i have faced enough to leave me sick, heartbroken, on the brink of divorce, on the brink of life, dehydrated enough to be on an iv, shaped like a beach ball... the list goes on and on.

And truth be told, the trials are FAR from over. I've cautiously initiated contact with family after a 15 yr estrangement, i'm still trying to keep the twins from killing each other. I have the busiest schedule that i have EVER had. i'm still trying to figure out how to fit my light therapy, exercise and creative time into my schedule, I'm also trying to keep my 1yo twins from killing themselves and each other, which has been QUITE a challenge.

But i just have this feeling like things are going to be ok. I'm embarking on this incredibly cool ministry opportunity that is looking like its going to be BIG and AMAZING, i'm building relationships, babies are still alive. God has so blessed me. Just thought i'd share :-)

Today

2010-08-06T10:13:00.000-07:00

Today i was sitting outside, doing my Bible study, (outside is the BEST place for that! not only is it relatively free from kid noise but its got a more pleasant noise all its own, birds, trees, wind...) and i was contemplating how amazing it all is. It floors me that anyone could so much as open their eyes in the morning and not be struck by the miracle that all this in front of us, behind us, and within us is. Much less that they could ever in their wildest imaginations believe this all evolved from nothing. Its ludicrous, plain and simple. I don't know how to explain why SO many do. It doesn't even make sense to me.

On a practical note, we are 1. getting our new to us dryer today! YAY! and also are going shopping at costco, so i SHOULD be working on my memo, but i'm not. I'm here.. marveling and thinking... AAK! bottle washing must be done. Another super short twin baby mama post from me, like usual.

stuff

2010-07-30T08:12:00.000-07:00

The time escaped me again. The twins' birthday went BEAUTIFULLY well, and we got lots of great pictures, and even a video of elliott grabbing the top off asher's cake :) very cute.

Things are otherwise going pretty well... Leif's bd party is coming up on sunday. His actual birthday was yesterday but my friend JoAnn is having Maddie's bd (the twins born two days later buddy) on saturday so sunday it is! Its busy, i'm getting ready to start school on monday, August 2, which is a new thing for us, but i'm wanting to ease into a routine and ease into all the subjects and for that we need an extra month.

Today

2010-07-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

Today i'm up and i'm starting over. i need to get up so i can have some time to wake up in peace without people demanding stuff of me. Had a BIG argument with andy about that yesterday and I don't want to revisit THAT. So I think the only way to resolve this situation is to sacrifice sleep to make it happen, which i'm actually not supposed to, since i'm supposed to sleep a good amount at night to keep the PPD at bay, but i'm hoping this will at least spur me on to having a decent bedtime. The nighttime with its quietness is so intoxicating for me.

Anyway, during my Bible study this morning, i realized that i have to FOCUS on the race. If i spend my whole life lamenting that my mommy doesn't love me that's all i'll be able to think about. I have to move on. And that's hard, but what can I do about it? NOTHING, so might as well pick myself up and move on, keeping the whole situation marinated in prayer.

So, that is what i shall do. Now, the day is at hand, and there's much to be done. I'm about to catch a webinar on teaching math, and at 10 i have a dr. appt, me, and the twins. We are then meeting Amy and JoAnn in Auburn for a park playdate, and at SOME point i really need to order birthday cake for the twins and their own individual cupcakes, at Costco and QFC respectively.

I'm thinking we will have salmon chowder for dinner tonight if i can get it in the crockpot in time.

Dealing...

2010-07-19T22:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i just am obsessed with wishing things could be different. I know its useless. I know its a pointless waste of time, but being created with the knowledge of what is RIGHT and what it was SUPPOSED to be like, and was like before sin, is hard. Its a process, and someday i know that God will help me fully to not feel that gap in my life. But right now i'm sad. Time to up my meds again i guess... Sometimes i wonder if i will ever be a whole person.

My list-

2010-06-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

wow... i haven't posted since FEBRUARY?!? REALLY? i guess i got distracted with my new homeschooling blog But here I am and i'm on a new mission.

Ok, so the thing is, i had a really rough childhood. I have PTSD and right now, i remember only spotty bits of it. I was molested from the time i was a toddler, i was manipulated, i was nearly destroyed, but for the grace of God, i'm sure one of my many suicide attempts/desires would have succeeded. But God has a bigger plan for me than that. I was enlightened by my brilliant friend Stacy that What i really need is to take back what was stolen from me, and obviously that would be a really really hard series of things to do, but If i can succeed, i can come out on the other side and really be a light to others who have been hurt in similar ways.

First, I need to acknowledge what was stolen from me.

- My innocence.
- My trust of men.
- My memories of childhood.
- My ability to feel loved
- My ability to function fully intimately with my husband without unwanted psychological intrusions
- My confidence in myself
- My ability to look anyone in the eye.
- My ability to have a healthy relationship with food.
- Having a mother
- Being able to sleep without fear
- Being free from irrational fears
- Being free from horrendous flashbacks.

I'm sure there's more. I'll add to it later... i was also going to make a list of what i'm taking back but this is too draining and i'm tired and distracted anyway.

a review: Timberdoodle graphic novels.

2010-02-17T12:56:00.000-08:00

Hey all! its been a long time... been busy, crazy busy... yesterday after the weirdest most unnerving episode of neurological insanity, i went to the ER and discovered i did NOT have a brain tumor OR a stroke, which is fantastic. I do have an inner ear problem. either just regular calcifications that will fall off and go away soon on their own, or else potentially a hereditary ear defect. I need to do some auditory testing. At any rate i'm so glad its not TOO bad. Just Vertigo, which is crazy and is making my life difficult but won't kill me. But, back to the task at hand,

As soon as i received these, i KNEW i had to tell everyone I know about them! Then Timberdoodle posted a promo for a discount if you review something or do some other things, and i was all over that.

First, i saw these when they first started selling them but only just got around to buying them last week. here's a picture from Timberdoodle
This set is only $16.95 and that is a HUGE HUGE discount. So at that price, i knew it was worth a shot. My 11 yo LOVES comic books, and i've noticed about comic books that they tend to be 1. pretty immodest and 2. very unintelligent. I knew since Timberdoodle sold these graphic novels that they'd be neither of the above, so along with lots of other things on my wishlist, i bought these. I received them and was genuinely surprised at how they looked. First, when i picture "graphic novel" the first thing that pops into my mind is "comic book." You know, cheesy design, super flimsy paper cover, newsprint paper that the ink rubs off of... you get my drift! Well, THESE "graphic novels" could not be FURTHER from that description! They are like regular softcover books, with a good design, durable cover and nice, bright pages. both my 11 and 8yo were transfixed by them and read and read. I know i need to add the other volumes to our collection.

Anyway, if you'd considered these, i'd say GO FOR IT and especially the vastly discounted set though the others are definately worth the money!!! here's a link to buy them http://www.timberdoodle.com/Stories_From_History_Set_of_10_Graphic_Novels_p/332-600.htm
Rebecca

Day-cation

2010-01-17T09:29:00.000-08:00

I'm writing to you all from lovely Vancouver Washington! Which i must say, i really like. People are really friendly here. Huge difference from Federal way. What i was most surprised about was that the hotel we stayed at let us stay in just one room, which was GREAT! We came here on the fly, after Teresa called me on thursday and said, Hey, we're going up to vancouver this weekend, can you guys drive down? And much to my surprise, DH thought that was a GOOD idea, even though he's really tired from the whole nasty work/babies routine we have going on. Of course the weekend happened to be BOTH our monthly nursery weekend and my scrapbooking group that i'm in charge of at church's weekend. EEK. But the Matz' are our best friends and we haven't seen them since the baby's baptism 5 months ago. So anyay, here's how it went.

We drove up and got here late, around 130, and discovered the matz had been here since 10 am! aak! so we got settled in our hotel room, and went to the mall, which was super fun. We never go to the mall anymore! then we came back to the hotel to rest a bit while the Matz' were out to dinner with someone they know, and then we met up and went swimming in the Matz' hotel pool, which was a bit bigger than our hotel's pool. the kids had a blast and i got some amazing pictures. Then we went back to the hotel and THOUGHT we'd go to bed. Unfortunately, ellie was not on the same page as us and screamed continually for an hour. we got him dressed and swaddled, gave him his teething tablets and motrin, and Nothing... he finally stopped screaming when andy walked with him around forever... then we put him in his crib... he slept for a while... and then... he started up again!!! aaak! finally got that one to sleep and the other one started up. he pretty much nursed ALL night and i'm about zonked out. Now we are cleaning up, looking for our missing cell phone, and getting ready to go to church!

Other than the no sleep thing, it was fantastic... its so awesome to meet up with the matz' and also just to get OUT of our house for a while! i swear those walls start to close in on a person after a while! Aaak! gotta go help find the cell phone! later.

SLACKER!!!

2009-12-26T11:22:00.001-08:00

wow... i can't believe its been a month since i've posted! Well, actually, i can. Its been Chaos here. With a fedex driver dh the whole christmas season is a nightmare and i'm SO GLAD its passed! Anyhow, Today is my sweet Nikolas' 11th birthday. I can't believe its been so long. He's growing in to such a wonderful young man. I'm so blessed to have him! PLease join me in praying for this little guy's life and future that he might grow to be a Godly man, and might touch the lives of all he comes into contact with in an amazing way!

The second thing i wanted to talk about today is blessings. Last night Dh prompted a discussion at the dinner table about what we were thankful for, which seemed odd to me, being Christmas, not thanksgiving, but its never the wrong day to be thankful, so i thought hard about it, and what i came up with is that I'm thankful for the blessings that God provides that we 1. don't know about. or 2. don't realize are blessings at the time, like say... me getting pregnant with ALEX well before planned, and 3. blessings that you know are blessings but don't know the depth of that blessing. The most ready example of that is the twins. We THOUGHT we had been blessed with a new baby growing in me for Christmas last year, and we were SORT of right! What we didn't know is obvious now! that we had not one but TWO babies on the way!!! I wonder how many blessings we recieve that we don't even KNOW the magnitude of that we may not come to discover till months or years later or maybe never? it just reminded me how bountifully our Lord blesses us!!

Fun times!!

2009-11-25T22:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was about the funnest day in AGES! Andy came home at like 9:30, they had too many people scheduled so they let him leave early (YAY!! till we get next week's paycheck anyway!) and so we went out with just the twins and went to get my bloodwork done, HUGE long wait, and then went out for greek pizza buffet, at the former "its greek to me" which now has become "Viggianos" and isn't nearly as good... oh well. I was just as pleased as punch just to be able to TALK to my hubby. ITs been a rough stretch lately. then we ran some errands and went SHOPPING! woohoo! to Target with a gift card i still had from my baby shower. We bought a new scrabble, ours is thrashed, and hungry hungry hippos for thanksgiving, and a few other things. and finally we went home. We had all of about an hour before heading off to our evening appointment at the dr's for the twins and my crazy mama appt.

The twins were doing well, aside from Elliott having some rattle in his chest, so the Dr. put him on liquid albuterol, which i've been told is wretched, but so far doesn't seem to be causing him any side affects that i can see. My meds got upped, which is probably a good thing. Andy doesn't like the side effects so much. He was like, "She DOUBLED that wretched medication?!?" Did i ever mention how much I LOVE our doctor? She is so awesomely family friendly, has a cute little practice out of a converted house, they always have Christian music playing and the receptionist, her sister is such a sweetie.. Not to mention Dr. herself! They are like family to us. SO COOL! I find i'm really appreciating the "God given family" connections we've been blessed with.

Speaking of which i'm trying REALLY hard to have a good attitude about Thanksgiving! (to be thankful?!) its such a depressing time for me, since its just us. NOW, i know there's a LOT of us, and i shouldn't have an attitude, and its my job to be thankful in every circumstance. And i am, i'm just a bit melancholic remembering how Thanksgiving was when i was a kid with HUGE extended family get togethers, and even just a few years ago when our best friends the Matz' hosted at their church and we had SO much fun. What an amazing time of fellowship, and food and games... sigh.. so i'm determined to NOT let my attitude rub off on everyone else. Its NOT fair to them, and i know i'm still quite a bit down with the PPD AND my meds being increased means i'm going to be a bit wonky for a while. So if i am cry-ish, i'm going to hide out and do my best to put on a happy face.

So this is me for now! i have done a TON of layouts, i really need to post to my scrappy blog! Typing time is at a premium lately..

later..
R

Sick little twinnies....

2009-11-23T09:17:00.000-08:00

Ugg.. they have the really bad cough again, asher has the eye boogers again. Thankfully their well baby check is tomorrow anyway. And thankfully we have little planned this week! last week was a DOOZY. I'm kind of zombified right now too... Seriously, Elena from MOPS called last night wondering if i was going to be coming tomorrow to help with thanksgiving baskets and my mind went totally blank and i was like... no... i can't come.. i have school with the kids... LOL. I must have sounded so DUMB! The correct answer was "No, i can't come, i have sick babies and don't want to bring them out more than necessary." But my brain was so obliterated from being up nursing the little buggers all night last night that intelligent thought just escapes me! SERIOUSLY, its BAD! i was at my Dave Ramsey class last night and was trying to articulate WHY the lesson was not coming from a Christian worldview, and i sounded like a moron. ugg. It will be nice to get my brain back.

Anyhow, an update on the little guys- At 4 mos old, Asher is coming in at a whopping 18 lbs 10 oz and Elliott is 17 lbs 3 oz. They are so precious and sweet and normally sleep really well. When they aren't coughing themselves awake they have been sleeping through the night for quite a while now. They have started noticing each other's presence and Elliott has MUCH better hand eye coordination and likes to hold asher's hand. Asher seems to appreciate that too but has a much harder time grasping elliott's hand, though he did get his thigh in a headlock and suck on his toes once. Here's a pic, its super cute

And while i'm at it, here's their 3 month portrait. Asher is on the left, and elliott on the right

So... that's about it... they are starting to fuss, think its bottle time (for a change, LOL!!!!)
R

stuff...

2009-11-22T15:10:00.000-08:00

So I was thinking the past few days... never around a computer, YIKES, i should go delete that last post, and pretty much decided to do so, but then i thought, NO. Because the PURPOSE of this blog, one of them anyway, i also really appreciate the opportunity to unload, but the primary purpose of this blog is to share how God is working in my life, and God works in my life in ways that are not only positive but are negative, and scary and sad, and wrong. I don't mean that God's work is this way but the events in my life and the feelings they provoke. I think that is what makes my life so much of an amazing testimony to the power of God, that i AM so imperfect and prone to making mistakes! i have NO problem putting that out there, becuase its not ME that deserves the praise. I SO often get comments, well, bazillions of them in every possible type, but one thing i get a lot is "wow... you must be so.. (insert adjective here- Patient, etc.) and my reply is that NO! you can tell how much God is working on me by virtue of the fact that he gave me 7 children!! Its crucial that I, and YOU and everyone, maintains a right view of what is going on in your life. Triumphs are due to GOD ALONE. I can say definitively that it is NOT I that has caused success in my life. I didn't even KNOW what success looked like! i THOUGHT success was being a high powered attorney. God has given me the gift of being a good communicator. I'm good at articulating my thoughts, particularily in writing, and in arguing, picking out logical fallacies, etc, and being a lawyer SEEMED like the right course of action for a future career, but God quickly showed me otherwise- (Andy and Alex) And since then, its become clear to me that my skills are WELL utilized by being a mom, teacher and manager of our home. I think people seem to think that only stupid people would stay home and raise their children. I think that's why so many people consider raising children to be an afterthought.
Ie. "what do you do?"
"OH, i'm a bank teller"
Now, logically, this person would have MUCH greater impact in her mothering than as a bank teller, (no offense to bank teller's intended!) but women still tend to identify themselves with their PAID job, not their most IMPORTANT job. Anyway, while my job may not pay very well now, the payoff of 7 well balanced Christ centered, law abiding adults will be HUGE! (and i fully expect a WHOLE LOTTA GRANDCHILDREN! woohoo!)

So now i must go, and i didn't even GET to my original planned typing- wanted to talk about church today. But that will have to wait till later because i can't spend all afternoon on the computer and i haven't even checked my email! whew, busy sunday!

Slow fade

2009-11-19T09:19:00.000-08:00

I saw this video on facebook and it blew me away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-8SYA6rfbs

Watch it- its worth your 5 minutes. It was really close to home for me because i've been there. Except it wasn't dh, it was me.

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, there's a time period about a year ago when i completely fell apart. My life was crumbling, and it wasn't a good time to talk about it, but i'm ready now. I'm sharing my story because if you don't think it could happen to you, you are WRONG. It could happen to anyone, and i know this, because it happened to me. That's not to say that i have delusions of being this perfect person, i DON'T! However, i DO strive to serve the Lord in all that i do. I've made that choice to sacrifice MY will to being a servant to others and to God, and i take that VERY seriously. And i can testify to the fact that this can happen to ANYONE.

Our family was close to another family we knew and had a lot in common with. We did so much together, we had so much in common and became quick friends. It wasn't long before things started to change. My relationship with Andy started to deteriorate. He was going through things in his life that were hard and instead of realizing he was having depressive issues and needed help, i took his coldness and distance personally and thought it was about me. At the same time, the male person in the couple we'd become close friends with was validating me, and we talked a lot and developed a close friendship. We talked about our marriage issues (um, WRONG!! alarm bell should have been sounding big time here!!) I didn't realize at that time that you can NOT be close friends with a member of the opposite sex when you are married, you just can't.

I started to really look forward to his phone calls, and that was my first clue that something was WRONG, but i ignored it. Truth be told, i LIKED it and didn't really want things to change. Teresa was there for me the whole time, and from the time i called her and told her the unspeakable, she was there replacing my irrational thoughts with TRUTH. She was one of the people i credit with saving my life, literally, because when it all came out, i was NOT interested in life much at all.

I knew that i had to make a choice one way or another because no matter how cruddy i thought Andy was at this point, he sure did deserve better than this. So i told him. At that point he was watching me like a hawk, understandably, and things just got worse and worse. Everything came to a head on our 14th anniversary, when andy showed up home early from work with a dozen roses, a starbucks and a beautiful card. at this point i realized- this man LOVES ME. And you know what? i love him too! we have 5 beautiful children together, we can work this out. And i told him i was willing to surrender my life to him and completely end whatever twisted relationship i had going on with this other guy. We went for a LONG walk and talked and talked. And that further cemented my choice.

That afternoon, i met with the other guy, and the unspoken became spoken and i told him that i had strong feelings for him but i needed to choose my family. The fact is that when you have 2 spouses and 8 children between two couples, you just don't have the luxury of being able to make whatever choice you want, because it ISN'T all about you anymore!! It was weird- really really WEIRD, and that sucked. And what sucked more, is that he immediately told his wife. and that REALLY REALLY sucked because it turned my whole life into one awkward mess. We were a LOT of places at the same time, and it had become one mess of weirdness. I finally told a mutual friend, that i REALLY thought was going to hate my guts when i told her the truth, and she was THERE for me every step of the way she was so sensitive and kind, and loving. She is what a true Christian is, loving in the face of sin.

So then i ended up going to MOPS which was a whole nother God-thing, but i don't have long to type so i'll keep it short, and i was placed at my friend Stacy's table. She immediately struck me as someone who knew what she was talking about i could tell immediately that she was a believer. Our table went out on mom's nights and eventually i told the ladies at my table what happened, and Stacy in particular, since she often gave me rides places. I was a MESS. I had pretty much given up on life and felt overwhelmingly like a complete failure. I felt unforgivable, unlovable, betrayed, angry, just a litany of destructive emotions. Stacy spoke TRUTH to me and managed to convince me that i was NOT unforgivable, that none of what i'd told myself repeatedly was true and that God had a purpose for even all this, that SOME day i could use all that to glorify HIM. WOW, what a breath of fresh air, and truth be told, it took me a while to absorb and believe it. Really, lots of others had tried to tell me the same things, but my thoughts focused only on those telling me that i was rotten. It was hard to hear that i was simply a person who made a MISTAKE.

There's still aftermath to all that going down. I got pregnant a month later (surprise! and then a few months later found it it was TWINS! (DOUBLE surprise!) and so our life has again shifted into the realm of the insane unknown but what has changed is my attitude. I KNOW now that God is with me, I thank him every day for providing those people that helped me through this time period and acknowledge HIM as the one who provided those gems and kept me alive when i very much didn't want to be, and as being the one who out of the mess of my marriage created not one but TWO immortal souls. WOW! I have been trying to apologize for a while to the woman who's husband i coveted and its not going well, but i suppose i'll keep trying, and keep in perspective how I'D feel, were the tables turned. I'm just trying to do the right thing, and its still really hard because the negative thoughts still come up, and i have to remind myself WHO i am. Its a struggle, but i'm pressing on. And Stacy was right, this CAN and WILL be used to as a testimony of what our God can do.

how things are going

2009-10-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

First, i need to point out my wonderfully brilliant son, Alex, helped to put together the super cute scrolling family icon thingy on the side of the page, after a tutorial posted by Lucy Chesna on facebook. Thanks Lucy! Thanks Alex! super cute! really had to crunch those little people in there, LOL, gotta love having a big family, its a bit like real life :-D

Ok, so anyway, things are going pretty well.. after gettin ga brief but nasty cold on monday, i took my cold calm all day and by yesterday was feeling much better. Today i'm pretty much back to normal but am still taking it easy. I think my new meds are working. Its been a week now and i'm not as absent minded, i'm not crying nearly as much and i'm not having the problem where i forget what i did 5 minutes prior. Seriously, i was really stressing out because i had to dump several bottles of formula because after doing the first scoop, i couldn't remember if i'd done 2 scoops or just 1. i also was having issues remembering if i'd taken my meds or not, so i'm glad that my new meds come on pages that you break one out, so i can do the math if i think i've forgotten. This PPD has been so weird! Anyway, i'm doing much better, and while i'm still really emotional i'm doing better. I'm taking the rest of the week off school and trying to get the house in order. Today the goal is decluttering. and scrapping. :-)

new plan of attack.

2009-10-22T09:31:00.001-07:00

Ok, so my old plan of trying to improve every aspect of my life simultaneously has completely crashed and burned, so I decided to take the rest of the week off from school and just focus on taking care of myself and the babies. I don't think andy is particularly pleased about that but its totally necessary. I need time for the new meds to start to work. And i'm prepared to do the same next week if necessary. I'm making sure i'm doing my walking every day, my Bible study every day, and everything else is frosting. Well, not entirely, i am keeping up with cooking, which is surprisingly easy not being on bedrest anymore, and am not loosening up on finances and bargain shopping because we can't afford to. Finances are also at crisis point so i'm dealing with crises and letting non crises go right now. I feel totally justified in that because our school year has so far gone BETTER than any other year, despite having 4 to teach, a 3yo human tornado, and newborn twins. So its all good, we'll just hold our 6 week schedule for next week and it will be fine. So anyway, i have a new plan and i'm feeling confident. OH and today walking, my side didn't hurt until 11 minutes in, unlike the usual 8 :-)

today

2009-10-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

my meds aren't working. So my dr. prescribed new ones. We shall see... i've been totally whacked out lately.. really super confused. I try to say one thing, and something else comes out. I don't know what the date is, even the month usually, and i'm having a really hard time reading people. I feel like i'm losing my mind. My dr. said it could either be the post partum depression itself or the meds i'm taking so i started on a different class of meds, the ones similar to effexor, which worked well last time, This one is called pristiq. Hoping it works, i'm really wonky lately. I'm going to try to chill out a little and not expect so much from myself, My strategy of turning my life around singlehandedly in one week isn't working so well, and i just feel like a failure at everything. Hoping today is a better day than yesterday, and tomorrow is a better day than today...

today

2009-10-10T07:39:00.000-07:00

i am very excited, I finished Numbers yesterday and will begin 1st Corinthians tomorrow, or monday. i'm doing a "read through the Bible" book, and started at genesis and acts concurrently, because really, after getting through the exodus segment, you really need a pick me up! LOL. But its going really well and the Lord has blessed me greatly. I totally think that's why i'm surviving this time in my life. Whenever i'm up in time Bible time comes first, even before walking, which i used to do first, to wake myself up more, but the symbolism got the better of me and now i do the Bible study first. So anyway, If you are not currently reading through the Bible, i highly recommend starting!! i'm using "Today's light Bible, a 2 year journey through the Bible" and really like it.

So what's up... the babies are sick. they have the flu and Asher is getting pink eye too :-( I hope i'm not getting it too, i woke up this morning and my eyes hurt and were red and watery. Of course its allergy season so they are ALWAYS red, watery and hurt, so we shall see! think i need to take Asher to the dr. today. I am very very bummed because we'd planned to have a new friend and her family over tonight. She's from the multiples group and is expecting TRIPLETS in the winter, and she already has 4 kids. We have a TON in common and i was really looking forward to this time of fellowship. But getting the flu could be deadly for her and since my kiddos are always glomming on the babies, chances are very good they'll be coming down with it in a few days and its not worth the risk to possibly infect Heather and/or her family.

So that's my sob story for the day. Its a pretty busy one. I'm up now with Elliott, who, strangely enough was the one nursing all night.. Asher slept really well. I'm noticing he's a "sleep a lot and be obscure" kind of sick kid, much like Alex, and not a whiny, "take care of me all the time" sick like Nikolas. Anyway, Andy is at Mens' breakfast at church and i'm getting ready to trade places with him, at 10 i've got L-Team training. I'm going to be hosting a scrapbooking L-Team at our church. Which i'm very much looking forward to.

That reminds me, i got into a scrapbooking fight with andy last night :-( haven't had one of those in a super long time... he thought i was ignoring him :-( i was just so darn babied out that i REALLY needed some creative time. I felt bad to make him feel neglected, but i was SO wiggin out.. and after I made a layout, i felt SO much better... sigh... i so wish i could balance it all better. Its really hard having 2 babies because they alternate schedules mostly, and there's always someone in my face! especially when they are sick, its very trying. :-(

OH and more good news!! Alex casually asked me last night if i thought we'd qualify now for Habitat for Humanity, and i was like, no, probably not, but i'll go check... Well, i did and we DO!! as long as utilities are factored into housing costs (that makes our housing costs above the 30% gross, though i think we'd still be over with just rent too) so HOPEFULLY, we'll go to an information session about that next saturday morning.

Well that's about it, and Nik is up, so i'm about to get my ear talked off :-) which is a good thing. I like that one :-) I hope whoever is reading this has a very blessed weekend.

the latest...

2009-10-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

Just posting a basic status update...

Things are going pretty well, not as well as i'd like but i'll take Heather's suggestion (thanks girl! you are AWESOME!) and praise the Lord for allowing me to progress as much as i have, even if its not where i WANT to be. i'd ask that anyone who is willing continue to pray for me. i'm having some relational issues, that i really cant' get into, and i think i might be having mood issues as well. Not sure the meds are working very well.

I've had the most chaotic, manic depressive weekened EVER! just the widest range imaginable.. First, i went to the new member's tea for the Tacoma parents of multiples club, which was AWESOME, except that i didn't realize we were supposed to come SANS babies! OOPS! i was the ONLY one that brought the babies, aak! i felt so awkward and embarrased. BUT i got to connect with another mom who is expecting triplets and already has 4, and i feel like we have a ton in common and it was nice for her and her dh and me and MY dh to get to hang out and talk! So overall a great experience! THEN, my dh took me to the brand spankin new scrapbook store in Tacoma! which was gorgeous. What a great experience to actually TOUCH the products you see online. its amazing how different they can be than the pictures. Usually different in the sense of BETTER, as far as weight, texture, etc. Color is really only a small part of the experience.

So anyway, who do you suppose i ran into at the LSS?!?! Only THE HEIDI GRACE!!!! WAY! i swear! i so wish i had my camera! but she'll be at the open house on the 24th, as well as teaching a class i think so i'll be looking forward to that! How exciting! i also inquired as to if they were looking for design team members and instructors, both of which were YES's so i just need to bring in some samples and might possibly get to be on the team, which would be fantastic.

So then we went home, back to our house with a TON of work to be done... this was the beginning of the bad part... I worked super hard, didn't get to scrap at ALL the entire weekend, and barely got a dent made. We decided we were going to work on the yard as family time, and that sorta morphed into cleaning out the truck and then working on the lawn so very little got done. Besides that, the babies were being difficult so andy couldn't help and the kids have been very difficult and minimally hepful lately, and i was just out in teh back yard, bawling my eyes out, overwhelmed, alone, frustrated... THIS is what happens when i don't take time to scrap. I feel like a machine and cry all the time. LESSON LEARNED! ugg... i just need to deal with the house being a mess and move on!!

There's lots of things i have to learn to deal with and one of them is dealing with people not liking me. WHY WHY WHY is it such a big deal to me?! i have NO clue, but there's a particular person that i used to be friends with who very clearly does NOT like me and its obvious there's no changing that on my part. The thing is i did something to hurt her and have tried to apologize but i don't think she cares and that's it. Our relationship is over and i just have to move on and try to just ignore the weirdness. I hate the weirdness. Oh well.. such is life. I'm hoping for a CALMER week this week, and i'm coming to a place where i'll gladly take BORING over happy exciting coupled with devastatingly sad.

My quest for a new life!

2009-09-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

I am on a quest to change my life. I'm taking just about everything that is wrong in my life and changing it, mostly all at once. Here's what i'm doing

- money- i'm taking the financial peace university, and HOPING to change our really realy bad money situation.

- fitness- i'm walking again, loops around the culdesac.
- diet- yeah, not so much. HOping to get to this one when i'm not so darn stressed out!

- sleep reduction- covered! thanks to my twin alarm clocks.

-getting back into the Word- Yep! doing pretty well.

-intellectual- i'm listening to Bible lessons on the MP3 player while i walk. i hope to be able to read BOOKS again soon :-)

-marriage- have committed financially and timewise to a weekly date lunch with Andy, with just he, me, and the twins. it functions as our alone time and our parent/teacher conference time :)

-homeschooling- doing REALLY well so far this week. we arent' getting EVERYTHING i have planned done, but pretty close, and we are doing WAY better than last year despite having 2 newborns so i'm pretty excited!

church- i decided i was going to FORCE myself to GET OVER the issues i have with anotehr couple in our church and start going back to sunday school classes and other stuff and not try to avoid events that they might be at, which i did last year and it was a disaster.

Mental health- taking my PPD meds and working REALLY hard to not be suicidal. This post partum period has been REALLY hard, way harder than the others, and i've been having a lot of stray thoughts i can't get rid of but dr. P. upped my meds and i'm walking to maintain my natural highs or whatever, and Andy is keeping a close eye on me and i'm trying to keep busy enough NOT to think.

What else?! i know there is more? I know it sounds like biting off WAY more than i can chew, and i'm thinking it probably is, but after 4 mos on bedrest and another 2 on restriction from my csection, i have a PROFOUND need to get my life back together. And so far its working well. If you remember, could you pray for me? because a crash and burn at this point could be disastrous. But things are going well, and i TRUST that God would not bring me THIS far just to knock me out. kwim?? Here's my progress report for the last couple weeks. i'm COOKING again! like just about EVERY night! i'M SO proud of myself about that!!! i'm having my morning bible study and walking each morning pretty consistently, shooting for 5x a week, but at least 3 times a week, including last week, which was the first week of school, so not bad. I'm actually really looking forward to my walk, which gives me some much needed adult time, me and my mp3 player. I can listen to Cindy Rushton seminars, or Bible studies, or good upbeat Christian music. Its a good thing.

Life is an adventure. and that's where i'm at now, 2 months into the twin baby experience.

Today

2009-09-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

The babies are 6 weeks old.. not exactly, just approximately. They are so precious. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom of twins, though it certainly has its caveats. Namely the sleep thing. But also the constancy of our extended morning feedings. Its just really quite BORING. But i'm doing my best to stay focused and think about the positive. There's SO MUCH positive. My little Asher and Ellie are so precious. They really like me a whole lot, which is so much fun after having the last 3 who were really daddy's boy/girls These ones just adore me, in fact when i go somewhere without them, Elliott gets really fussy, he just wants to be with me, which i didn't realize would be the case when bottle feeding. We breastfeed too, but supplement with formula, which i'm finding to be incredibly convenient. I'm being careful to nurse enough to not lose my milk supply because this winter in particular they could really use the antibodies. I'm getting really good at typing with a baby laying on my chest. it amazes me that less than 2 months ago they both lived inside of me, no WONDER i was so enormous! Now i'm grappling with serious body image issues. I lost like 60 some pounds, and i have a BAD case of twin skin, and feel really droopy and unattractive. I guess that just goes with the territory, and my hormones feel all whacked out, time to up the crazy pills i think :-)

Anyway, i'm scrapping up a storm lately, check out my scrappy blog http://shessomekindofcrazy.blogspot.com if you'd like to see what i've been making. Its such a stress reliever for me.

So let's see.. what's up with the babies? They just this last week grew out of all their newborn clothes and they wear size 1/2 diapers from costco or either 1 or 2 diapers from elsewhere... they both have these really unfortunate hairlines, they look like 45 year old men with no hair on top and fuzzy hair on the back and sides. Asher can roll from belly to back, has been for a couple weeks, and elliott can push up a LOT on my chest. I think because he's so LIGHT, especially compared to his brother! He's a fireball, he cries a lot more than Asher, and starts out in full panic mode, he doesn't work up to it, just all out WAIL from the getgo. Asher is much more laid back, he starts out like a normal baby whimpering, then slighly more, then more then WAIL! We've discovered we can't dress them the same if we want to know who they are... while we can tell them apart, we usually need to look pretty closely, so its very helpful to keep elliott in blue and asher in NOT blue.

Anyway, life is happening and i have got to run! getting ready to post more layouts to my scrappy blog.

update

2009-08-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

Well, i'm taking a break from the screaminess for a while, and socking my poor dh with the responsibilities as I am in serious need of downtime. This happens occasionally, and i think it really can't be helped. I've never been a person who needed much if any quiet, but i'm definately THERE!! after constant noise, and with 2 babies, crying is MUCH more frequent than with any of my other babies just because the logistics of getting their needs both met is difficult.

So anyway, the twins are 4 weeks old yesterday, and they are sweet and precious... seriously, they are amazing. I'm so glad we were blessed with them. I need to make a dr. appointment since one of them has thrush i think. UGG- gross. I am so hoping i can just bring the ONE in, and get a prescription for all 3 of us, the double copays are getting OLD! Nursing is NOT much fun right now. I'm super sore. I don't think its due to the potential thrush, just from nursing so darn much and i tend to get really sore with ONE baby, I'm trying really hard to talk myself into continuing nursing, which i'm having a difficult time convincing myself of right now. But for now anyway, i'm toughing it out, even though it feels like that's ALL i do these days..

I am so emotional lately, and i'm pretty sure its normal hormonalness, i'm on my PPD meds, and they seem to be working for the most part, so that's good, no distorted thoughts, etc, which is good. I've had ppd progressively worse with each child so with them being my 6th and 7th and both together, i was very concerned. I'm looking forward to hitting 6 weeks so i can start exercising again. I lost 65 lbs but now i'm up like 5 lbs from my lowest weight :-( which is not cool. NOT impressed with that, but what can i do. Anyway, for the most part, twins is REALLY not all that hard, its not as hard as you'd imagine 2 babies. The hardest part is trying to meet their needs both at the same time. When we have a good routine, life is much smoother, i wake them up (they still sleep a LOT) every 3 hours, but i don't wake them at the same time, like i'll wake up whoever is stirring more, change his diaper, and feed him, then a bit later wake up the other one and change and feed him. Or sometimes i'll breastfeed one and bottle feed the other simultaneously, and if i'm REALLY ambitious i'll breast feed both with my crazy nursing pillow. Oh and at night, i let them sleep as much as possible. Though, I will sometimes wake up the second one when the first one wakes up. Anyway, i'm exhausted and rambling on like an idiot, like i tend to do when i'm exhausted.... sigh... tomorrow is going to go smoother, i'm convinced of it. And this weekend, i'm going to buy D batteries for the swing, since it just ran out... sigh...

Elliott's birth page

2009-08-09T20:51:00.001-07:00

I'm going to post both here and on my scrappy blog.... i SCRAPPED yesterday! AWESOME! i was so needing a creative outlet! And i really like how this one turned out!

2 weeks old and one day

2009-08-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

So much is going on with us now... Grandpa had to go back to Minnesota... SNIFF... it was so wonderful having him here. It always is, he's an outstanding houseguest. He's helpful, courteous, etc. But this time in particular... WOW. Anyway, he left yesterday morning, and that was hard, but we are doing ok. The babies are still sleeping most of the time. they wake up a few times a night to eat, which is totally normal, but the one who's REALLY having sleeping issues is Leif. He's having a heck of a time with everything.

As for me, i'm doing OK. I'm really trying hard not to stress about him going back to work next wednesday... even though i think i might just not survive that!!! I'm HUGELY hormonal lately and am finding myself frequently in a panic, and also fairly frequently crying about nothing at all. Its insane. CONSCIOUSLY i know none of this is helping anything at all, but its so overwhelming. I am hoping it will level off soon. I'm also really self conscious lately.. i've lost 58 lbs this pregnancy, between being sick and my new gestational diabetic diet, i get the priviledge of stepping on the scale each morning to find i'm a lb or two lighter than the last :-) very cool. However, i feel like even though the scale indicates i've lost weight, that i really don't look any better at all. You can see it in my face but come on! my face was the only part of me that DIDN'T need to lose weight!!! Andy insists that i have, and that he can tell, and he insists i'm not hideous, But i totally feel like it right now with the whole hanging belly skin. BLECH.

One thing that is really striking me lately is the importance of not taking a single moment for granted and not wishing away something in favor of what seems like something better coming later.. I'm trying to not even wish it was payday, because there's so much in the moment to enjoy. I think these guys are probably my last babies and that makes me really sad in a way, but more so, it makes me resolved to enjoy every second of their babyhood. Its all such an amazing gift and that reality is NOT lost on me. I GET that and i really want to be the kind of person who can appreciate and enjoy that. So anyway, so many thoughts flying around in my head, had to capture a few of them on blog... off to bathe myself and hopefully the little guys!

a pictorial birth story

2009-08-02T16:17:00.000-07:00

ok, i'm pretty sure its big enough to read the words, just click on the picture and it will get bigger. :-)

babies!!!

2009-07-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

birth story is still forthcoming, but thought i'd post some pics :-)
these were taken by Sherronna and James when the came to visit yesterday, 3 days old for the twins. I posted these because they are WAY nicer than my pictures but i'll still post my original pics when i post my birth story, if that might ever happen.... :-) Anyway, Asher is the baby in the red. He was born second and is the biggest, his birth weight being 7 lbs 13 oz. Elliott is the cutie in the blue. He was born first, and is the shrimpy one at 7 lbs even. We are not yet sure if they are identical. They appear to be identical, with a few minor differences, likely attributable to being nearly a pound different in weight, but we could easily find out as the weeks go on that they are fraternal. We will most likely do a dna test just to make sure, as it makes a big difference medically for their future :-) Anyway, wanted to post this quick since i had a second...

No babies on monday.

2009-07-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i just got a call from the dr's office, who just got a call from the hospital, and they've cancelled my csection. It is because she scheduled it for monday, when i'm 36 weeks 6 days, not 37 weeks. they had described me as 36 weeks 3 days yesterday at my appointment, not 36 2 as i'd described myself, which i just chalked up as a discrepancy between 2 different calculars. I mean it IS one stinking day! So... the hospital is refusing to do the surgery, since i'd be like 12 hours away from being 37 weeks, and the next soonest they have is thursday at 3 pm. Yeah, so no food or water ALL DAY. I'll probably be DEAD by then with my massive water intake needs right now. if not, i'll go into surgery dehydrated and starving. GREAT huh? Makes me want to just say, SCREW them and i'll just go into labor whenever, hope it doesn't happen to fast and the stupid hospital's extended check in procedures don't take so long as to cause damage to anyone, and just MAKE their sorry butts give me a dang CSEC. Whenever it happens!!

The dr.s office lady did say that she was going to talk to Dr. Ho and see if there's anything else they could work out, and the original monday date was actually on her lunch hour, so i'm confident that if there's anything she's ABLE to do, she totally will. So at this point, i'm not feeling the babies barely at all, all i can really do is just HOPE everything is ok, or if it isn't that my once a week NST will pick up on it! I am just SO LIVID right now, I mean for crying out loud, isn't there exceptions for high risk pregnancies?!

back!

2009-07-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

and the babies are both looking just fine!! B's movements are smaller,but its probably just a growth spurt, leaving him with less room. Regardless, i'm totally confident they are doing ok!!
Rebecca

Today's appointment

2009-07-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i'm like this HUGE knot of emotion right now, and I think i'm overreacting to just about EVERYTHING, so its hard to figure out what is a threat and what isn't... But i have been pretty distressed, yesterday and today both, my baby "B" has been really still.. he got hiccups yesterday, and today some movement at my appointment, particularily during the ultrasound so he IS moving and both heartbeats were easily discernable, but since the reduction of movement was so much, my doctor wants me to go in to the hospital today for monitoring, and sunday too. And MONDAY we are having these babies! The Csec is scheduled for noon. So i'm waiting now, to find out if we can just go back to tacoma tonight, after work, since Andy was planning to go back to work this afternoon, they are really short staffed right now, or if we need to go in right away. Overall, i am fairly confident that everything is probably ok. They are both moving, seeing them was reassuring, but i certainly don't want to take any chances, and if like the cord was looped around b's neck multiple times, i'm pretty sure that would show up in a NST, so it will be good to do that. It very well could be that they just had a big growth spurt over the last couple days, it was VERY hard to lay down on the table for the ultrasound.

Oh, ok, so they just called and i am supposed to go to the hospital right now for more monitoring... so i guess i should get off and get ready! Anyhow, i'll post again when i get back.

Thanks for your prayers! please keep it up, i'm still a bit worried about my little guys...

My choices

2009-07-14T10:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, i'll just say it- I know that i'm being judged. And i shouldn't care! i get that, i know that were the tables turned i'm sure i'd be judging me too, i really GET THAT! i had my last 3 babies at home, with no medication and only ONE of them was a water birth, so i DO have my fair share of toughness, but here's the thing- i'm just trying to make life as managable and normal as possible. its not like ANY of this is how i imagined my dream birth, NAMELY that there would be more than one of them! And i'm just doing my best to roll with the punches and make the best of a series of FAR less than desirable choices. And "I" know who I am and what my limitations are. At this point, my babies are transverse, and while i COULD go to extreme measures to TRY to get them rotated, or i COULD blow of the whole medical profession altother, have my babies at home and hope they LIVED, or whatever, that's NOT what i have chosen to do. In fact, if "B" did usurp "A"s position and moved head down i'm still pretty sure i would request a Csection. And here's why- Because there's always some element of insecurity with birth, i GET that. And i think i'm doing a PRETTY good job keeping it together as is, But i am NOT NOT NOT, comfortable with having both a vaginal and a csection delivery. I'm NOT going to do that. The fact is, i have a lot of responsibility and i CANNOT be the person i'm expected to be when i'm torn up ALL OVER THE PLACE. I'm NOT going to do that to myself! Sorry for not being the perfect martyr! And that's a HUGE possibility if i opt to go natural on this birth. Secondly i'm NOT ok with my doctor reaching inside my vagina, up into my uterus and pulling my second baby out. Its just not happening. So in a way, its a huge blessing that the little guys are more comfortable horizontally.

ALL i am trying to do is maintain SOME semblance of normalcy for my family, i'm trying to survive this birth and everything that it entails psychologically for me without crossing over into the land of the completely freaking INSANE. So, if you choose to judge me, for not being that perfect person, feel free. But keep this in mind first. And feel qualified to make that judgement ONLY if you've had 2 or more babies that lived in you for 36 plus weeks. If you've spent nearly a year with overwhelming nausea, and a portion of that time throwing up every day, Judge away! If you have spent WEEKS mostly in bed while everything around you CRUMBLED, knowing somehow you'd have to put it all back together while simultaneously homeschooling 5 children and 2 extra babies, Judge on! And if the last few of those weeks you began each night going to the bathroom every 20 minutes, tapering off to 30 minutes, then to an hour, then to one glorious 3 hour stretch (on a REALLY good night) roughly equating to about 6-8 potty trips per 9 hour sleeping period, then most certainly you can judge me. If you spent weeks where it hurt to be laying down, hurt a little more to be sitting down, really hurt to be standing up and you could BARELY STAND to walk, why then, PROCEED! And this is only considering the physical issues confronting me right now, NOT even the psychological issues, which are big, but i certainly don't want to get into here and now. I just thought i'd offer another perspective to why I am making the choices that I am. As far as i'm concerned, a Csection is NOT ideal but its the best choice at this point. And as far as i'm concerned going 37 weeks with twins is ABSOLUTELY sufficient. And maybe that makes me selfish. But that is MY LIMIT.

35 week appointment

2009-07-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, so today was my appointment, and i arrived with a mission. To convince my Dr. that it would be best for me to have the babies as SOON as possible, specifically, next friday, the 17th. I was unsuccessful in that attempt. She said at 36 weeks 3 days she'd need specific REASON to prematurely plan a c-section. Darn. I really thought i approached that in a convincing way. So i THINK i got her to sort of agree to exactly 37 weeks on the nose which would be the Tuesday AFTER that friday that i was shooting for. My rationale behind the friday was that it would give us the benefit of the weekend, and since i'm having a Csection, i'm going to need my dh home for as long as possible on a LOT Of levels. But i would still rather have them the tuesday after rather than 2 weeks from friday, namely because Leif's bithday is on the 28th and i'd like to be at least moderately recovered by his birthday, like i don't want to be coming out of the hospital the day BEFORE his birthday, and i think the chances of my body waiting till after are minimal.

So anyway, back to the appointment. My uterus is measuring 53 cm, 2 more than last time, and the babies are both transverse... they kind of have their own diagonal half of the uterus, and their heads are surprisingly close togther. They weigh about 6 lbs and 6 1/2 lbs respectively. NOW, the troubling thing about their heads, is she was moving the wand along my belly saying "here's a head, and here's a head, and here's a head. And i was like WAIT a minute, that was 3 heads!! WHY do my babies have 3 HEADS????? There is still just 2 BABIES, RIGHT?!?!?!?!?! and she very hesitantly said "Yes....." and i was like WHOA, you are so not filling me with much confidence with THAT "Yes..." So she looked around more and determined that she was seeing A's head from 2 opposite sides of the uterus. We THINK. So in all likelyhood, there IS just 2 babies, but if they find another one in there later, i would not be ENTIRELY surprised, though i still think i would completely freak out. 2 babies at once is crazy enough. Another thing is they seem to be hanging out only at the top of my uterus which is weird. The placentas are at the top, so its not like they are blocking the bottom off, so i'm a BIT concerned about THAT turn of events, but i'm trying not to stress about it especially since i have enough to stress about as is. Right now the combination of waking up stressed about some element of the coming birth, and the EXCRUCIATING hip pain that i get during my 1 3 hour stretch at night when i don't have to pee, is getting me up REALLY early, and i'm tired and cranky and really really sore all over ALL the time.

34 week appt.

2009-07-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, so what a frustrating appointment. First, the babies are the same as last time, A is breech, B is transverse, though B is more transverse than last time he was more vertexish, he's kind of moved up. i think hanging out on my pubic bone wasn't very comfortable for him either! Anyway, so she's fairly certain at this point that we are looking at a Csec although she won't schedule one earlier than 37-38 weeks! UGG! AND she thinks my contractions are braxton hicks, which is completely baloney. I've had 5 children, HELLO! i can tell when i'm in LABOR! and she insists that if my cervix was problematic they'd be able to find it and something would be bulging out of it, like A's bag of water or his little butt :-) eww... soooo.. after my 5 minute waste of time appointment, i'm no further than i was before. So who knows. Andy is "I told you so"ing big time about me opting to change to a more laid back doctor, and i think he's right. Oh well... at least she wants me to be stress tested on sunday, (provided i'm not in the hospital prior to then, which i'm guessing is pretty much a GIVEN at this point, since i'm supposed to go in after 2 hours of 10 minutes or closer contractions. But at any rate i'm definately mentally preparing for a Csection, which creeps me out still, but i have to admit, no 20 hour labor is very tempting. So i'm glad the decision is out of my hands, i'm not sure i'd make the "right" choice. AND i'm glad to have the time to mentally prepare. I don't do well with spur of the moment crises. Anyway, i'm trying to distract myself, hoping that it might make me less likely to go into labor? not easy on BEDREST! ugg. anyway, that's pretty much it. Thanks for reading.
R

What a night!

2009-06-30T23:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, so around 6ish, i started to notice that my regular contractions are getting a bit harder and more regular, roughly every 10 min. or so... I was laying down already when i discovered this, and drinking lots of water already so i got up to serve dinner and eat, and it continued on, Andy got home, let him know that we'd probably have to go to the hospital, and eventually called the L&D floor, and they said to come in, so i took my time got stuff squared away, took a shower, and left. We got there around 8ish, and my contractions were 4-5 min apart and strongish and very regular! Yikes. So since i'm only 34 weeks, they wanted to stop them. Basically they said they'd not to go heroic measures to stop them, but if they could be stopped that would be good, so i got 2 failed cervix checks, ugg and a shot of terbutaline, which i didn't even FEEL, which is weird because it hurt last time, i was like, are you sure it worked? LOL, but it did and eventually the contractions gave way to just irritable "i've been on my back WAY too long" bumps on the chart. So at about 11, i was discharged and midnight just got home. UGG. What a night and poor andy! Hope he has an easy day tomorrow. And really hope this doesn't become a regular thing.. So anyway, i'm off to bed, wiped out. HOping i don't go into labor futilely again tomorrow :(

PS. we did get a pretty spectacular fireworks show right out the window of the hospital, i could even see them in bed, it was really neat!!

a day in the life....

2009-06-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

So last night Andy and i had what was probably our last date night for a LONG time, and we went to tour the hospital maternity area, and i was surprised to see the class was taught by Patti Ramos, THE Patti Ramos whom i'd heard so much about but never actually seen or met, so that was really cool. The whole hospital setup is SCARY! Particularily the OR where they do csections. I discovered a few things... 1. I am allowed to labor in water but not birth in water, close enough. If i have a vaginal birth, i will be there 1 night, and 2 nights if i have a c-section. So anyway, got home and the kids had completely trashed the house, company makes my kiddos a little distracted :-) But they were all in jammies and ready to go, which sped things up a bit. Poor Chloe had this monster fat lip from falling off her bike. Poor thing, I made them stay up and clean. It was alex's night so he did the bulk of it. (my older 3 take 2 night blocks where they get to stay up when the other kids go to bed and clean, do whatever chores need doing, they usually get a treat or something, and everyone seems to LOVE it when its their turn, which is an awesome deal for us. So... THAT helped, and then this AM alex made his weekly oatmeal, using yummy thick steel cut oats which is our wednesday tradition. we had breakfast, and i printed out all my homeschool ABC lessons to read while i bedrest, and went to make my bed. Then i thought, gee, i should get DRESSED, and went to see if alex did his last two loads worth of laundry which he did NOT. So, no getting dressed for me. Sigh... i put the boys on timers, every hour they will be switching that darn laundry till its DONE! probably all day. Sigh... AND, i discovered that the middle children ate almost my ENTIRE BAG of pita chips from COSTCO!! UGGGGGG! And chloe's pouting because i called her on it... sigh...

So, i'm here, being good, resting... not like at this point i'd even WANT to not be resting, they are so low it hurts to go anywhere, today is much better though, it doesn't hurt to lay down, which is great. I'm trying to decide if we are going to eat at home or go to Arby's tonight. I still have a fabulous dinner brought by Lashell monday, which i should really freeze if we aren't going to use it tonight, BUT tonight is free roast beef night at arbys when you buy a drink, which for all of us, plus a couple extra sandwiches and a couple fries is $20 or so which is AWESOME for us... hmm... this is a pretty good dilemma..

33 week update

2009-06-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

Well, i had my appointment today, no major news... a few little things.... its "appears" Baby A is breech and baby B is vertex (head down) i say "Appears" because its really hard to tell which is which... but since A seems to be deeper, i'm thinking "A" really IS "A" So there's that, and also, i've dropped! Very cool! She checked my cervix and its still too high up to tell, which is good, so i'm not dialating anyway, but the babies are laying off the ribcage and instead are pounding on my pubic bone, making it easier to breathe but harder to stand and move around and i'm having a lot of uncomfortable contractions. I'm also starting to sleep not so well, for the first time this pregnancy. Which in all fairness is pretty good, But nonetheless, its kind of the pits being me right now!

So Anyway, let's see... what else.. i have a nonstress test for sunday, and still have to figure out how to do the next appointment, since its a weird time for andy's work, want to make sure he still gets paid for the 4th of july. but other htan that.. not much going on...

I will say that i'm fully sick of being pregnant. The rational side of me keeps reminding myself how much EASIER these babies are to take care of on the INSIDE than the outside, Eat, go potty a lot, lay down a lot, voila! I can still sleep, and go places, and whatnot... NOT so when they are born. Of course its not like its my choice anyway, at some point my body is just going to be like "ENOUGH!!!" and i personally feel like that time is coming! I'd give it about 2 weeks personally, i just don't feel like there's that much longer left!! i actually found myself ASKING my doctor, if i scheduled a Csec how SOON could i schedule that! She said probably not sooner than 37 weeks. SHEESH! that's a whole month from now. Ugg.

So anyway, we had our appointment and then got to swing on down to Gig Harbor, which is always a treat, especially right now, getting to GO somewhere :-) yay! So we went to pick up from a friend a snap in stroller set with peg perego carseats!! it was a GIFT, one of many lately!! And a WONDERFUL blessing, (THANKS Miranda!!) then we thought we'd drive through Gig Harbor, just a nice change of scenery, so we did, and we stopped at Ben and Jerry's and went in, and promptly LEFT, LOL! (cones, $4 each ;-) We laughed the whole way out at how tacky and conspicuous we must look!! Good times!! Then we went to dairy queen! And spent a more reasonable $16 on icecream :-)

Now we are home and Lashell brought us dinner for tonight and tomorrow, that i can HARDLY wait to dive into!! oh my gosh, REAL FOOD!! What a luxury!!! i'm getting WAY too accustomed to Mcd's and the like!! :-) (My MOPS group is bringing by meals twice a week, which is just so absolutely AMAZINGLY helpful... just ONE less thing to worry about.

Anyway, that's me! hope you all are well :-)
Rebecca

32 weeks!

2009-06-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

and a new twin diagram to go along with it!!

Homeschooling with lots of babies!

2009-06-10T14:09:00.000-07:00

So, i'm getting my year plan together and i'm wondering what all of you who have BTDT have done to prepare for a crazy insane whacked out year, homeschooling 4 and having an additional preschooler and 2 newborns!!

My plan for the year is to keep it REALLY simple. I'm buying pieced together versions of the Timberdoodle full year curriculums http://www.timberdoodle.com/Complete_Homeschool_Curriculum_Packages_s/363.htm since i use a virtual school and they won't pay for the apologia science... so anyway, i chose those since they require much less TIME than most curricula, and so i'm hoping that will help.

Also i'm focusing now on getting ready ahead of time. As soon as the stuff arrives, which probably won't be till after they are born sadly, i'm allowing myself lots of time to break down everything into weekly folders so we know exactly what needs to be done on what weeks. Whatever doesn't get done will get done on the weekends or evenings. That's my plan anyway :-)

I'm contemplating a "Managers of their homes" style schedule, including the babies, but am nervous, having never scheduled babies before. From what I understand, many twin parents go the schedule route purely for sanity's sake, when they may not have normally scheduled their newborns, its merely a survival thing. So i'm very seriously considering it, making sure to allow close feedings for the little guys.

Does anyone else have any sanity saving ideas for how to make things come together?!

thanks,
rebecca

31 week appointment!

2009-06-08T16:32:00.000-07:00

Ok! well, today's appointment went significantly better than last weeks! First, i'm measuring 49 inches, quickly pushing me into "enormous" from just being "huge" a few weeks ago :-) Babies are now both breech, having moved from both tranverse last week. This is encouraging to me, because if they can turn in that direction, then they can turn in the other direction too! so hopefully!! they are measuring around 1600 grams, or a little over 3 1/2 lbs each. If you were not aware, 1500 grams is the "magic" point where 95% of twins born then or later survive, and 80% have no serious problems long term. VERY COOL! Not that i'm lackadaisical about making sure they aren't born too early, i'm just encouraged that they are this far. So... let's see..

I got a penis confirmation on "B" didn't happen to notice on "A" due to how he was positioned, but i'm going to assume that my old doctor, a perinatologist, can recognize a penis when he sees one and i'll continue to assume i have 2 boys :-)

So babies are looking good, they are breathing now. I need to look up and find out when they normally start breathing, but she noticed chest movement, so that is cool! good strong heartbeats, and they are roughly the same size and measuring only about 3 days further than i am instead of 5 days further, which is good since we'd really prefer NOT to have 2 10 lb babies in there :)

OH and the REALLY Good news is i'm allowed to SIT!!!! yes, she said a couple hours of laying down a couple times a day should do it and then i can SIT the rest of the day which is ROCKINGLY AWESOME, since there's SO MANY things you can do sitting that you can't do laying down. Plus it is sooooo achy laying down all day, my whole body has just been sooo sore! YAY!!!!

Thanks for your prayers!!
Rebecca

Another update!!

2009-06-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, the excitement! Ok, so yesterday, i posted when i got home from the appointment, etc, Well, i continued to lay down for about 2 hours, and kept getting contractions about 10 minutes apart, and they felt like the contractions i NORMALLY get at about 4 am the friday morning before i go into labor the next night. (i'm like clockwork with EVERYTHING) So i was concerned and called the dr's office, and talked to the midwife i'd seen that day, who put a rush on the fetal fibronectin test that i'd taken that day (Did i mention that?! probably not, but it was AWESOME, they did it blind without having to do the speculum thing, which was AWESOME! easy schmeasy. Anyway, so she put a rush on that in the lab, and told me i should really get to the hospital, so i packed up lots of books, Andy packed up the laptop, and we set off for the hospital.

They immediately admitted me to the hospital, about 4:30 pm put me in a wheelchair and sent me up to Labor and Delivery. They were SO nice there! The first nurse tried really hard to get the monitors to pick up the babies' heartbeats but the monitors weren't cooperating so she'd get them all jammed in there and as soon as they were set up, i'd have to to to the bathroom, having drunk water like crazy all day :-) by about 7 there was a shift change and i got a new nurse who was also really nice and she gave me a shot of some kind of smooth muscle relaxant. My doctor was there and read my pee test, and said i was severely dehydrated and my ketones were at a "2" i think the highest they can be- not good, so she ordered an IV. She wasn't sure if i'd have to stay overnight, which would have REALLY been a bummer because andy would have had to miss ANOTHER day of work or at least a half day. The results from my fetal fibronectin came back NEGATIVE, which is awesome, that means that at least this am when i had the test labor had NOT started, and was unlikely to happen in the next 2 weeks, but the dr. was concerned that we had to stop the contractions. it took longer than it usually does for the shot of muscle relaxant to work, and the contractions were still going. Then it started to work and i got really dizzy and shaky, but it definately helped, by about 930 my heart rate was still too high for another dose and my contractions were becoming more irritable and small with only an occassional regular contraction, so that was good! finally, after my 2nd bag of Iv fluids, my contractions were decreasing and my ketones were down to 1 and i was able to be liberated from the hospital by about 11:30! So i'm not sure what's up with the ketones, if it was just a dehydration thing, or due to not having really eaten much of anything since the pizza buffet we had at 11 am.

So i went home and took a SHOWER!! i was all gooeyed up from all the monitors and sweaty from my room being hot and blech! Then i drank another water bottle and went to bed. So this morning, i woke up with a headache and dark pee again. (WHAT THE HECK!?) its like i just can drink water constantly and still never get enough?!!? So i'm BACK to my bedrest routine. I was warned that i had to follow modified bedrest really strictly, or i'd have to be on STRICT bedrest, which is nearly impossible, so i'm trying really hard to not mess this up, since i do NOT want to get bumped up to strict and i do NOT want to end up in the hospital again!!! ugg. Prayers would be much appreciated.. there is SO much work to be done and it drives me NUTS staying in bed all day doing NOTHING!!!! uggggg...

Today's appointment- 30 weeks

2009-06-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

Well, i just transfered over to Dr. Phoebe Ho's practice, and had my first appointment there today. It was eventful to say the least. I was having contractions ALL morning, i hit my 4th in an hour while i was being examined,and i'm supposed to rest for a long while and drink lots of water and keep an eye on how things are going, so HOPEFULLY i won't have to go to the hospital or anything... i still think i probably should have just gone in to St. Joe's ANYWAY, just to be monitored for a while and play it safe.. BUT my cervix is still high, though soft, and closed, so that's good.

ANyway, the big thing is, the twins are BOTH transverse. i knew that "B" was transverse as he's the one that's more on the outside, easier to feel movement and stuff, I think that A spends a lot of time kicking into B :-) So i asked the midwife that i saw at this appointment when the babies stop flipping around, and she said if not now, pretty soon they will be too big to move, she gave my odds of them staying that way at about 75-80% So i will probably have to have a planned csection, which is such a bummer. I really didn't want to go there. But at least i will have some notice, i can mentally prepare, which is much better than just BLAMO, Csection, NOW!

So, i'm a bit stressed.. it was a load off seeing them moving around on the ultrasound, getting to hear thier heartbeats and the weird movement i've been feeling makes much more sense now, AND i don't have to stress about whether or not to get the epidural in anticipation of her reaching in and grabbing B, which is how it usually works when the second twin is breach, but man... its still really scary to think about getting cut open like that. And my recovery time... and i never thought i'd say THIS but i'm worried there won't be enough HANDS at my house when they are born! at least helpful ones! Andy's going to take 3 weeks vacation, but STILL, i'm feeling seriously outnumbered right about now!! ugg. Just trying to remember to stay in prayer, none of this is an accident and God will make sure we are taken care of, in all ways, i'm certain; but still a little edgy, i admit.

Fetal development update

2009-05-25T22:20:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted one of these in a while!! here's the most recent stage my babies are at. It should be about the same for twins, just picture 2 of them in there :)

here's the description from the website http://www.wpclinic.org/parenting/fetal-development/third-trimester/
There is a rapid increase in the amount of body fat the fetus has. Rhythmic breathing occurs, but the lungs are not yet mature. The fetus sleeps 90-95% of the day. At this point there the survival rate is above 95% if the baby is born.

And here is a picture of what twins looked like a week ago,

At 28 weeks your twins will have grown to about 15 inches/ 38cm from top to toe (10 inches/ 25.5 centimetres from crown to rump) and will weigh nearly 2 lb /875g each.

Their eyes open and close, they sleep and wake at regular intervals and they may suck a finger or thumb.

Your twins' brain growth is very rapid this month. The characteristic grooves on the brain's surface start to appear and more brain tissue develops. Nearly all fetuses react to sound by the end of the seventh month.

At about this time, your twins can open their eyes and turn their heads in utero if they notice a continuous, bright light shining from the outside. Their fat layers are forming. In boys, testicles descend from near the kidneys through the groin en route to the scrotum. In girls, the clitoris is relatively prominent because it's not yet covered by the still-small labia. These will grow to cover it in the last few weeks before birth.

Their skeletons are hardening even more. While your twins may soon slow down growing in length, they will continue to gain weight until they are born.

A pint and a half/around a litre of amniotic fluid now surrounds each of your twins, but that volume decreases as they gets bigger and have less room in your uterus.

29 week belly pic!

2009-05-25T16:29:00.001-07:00

This is me, 29 weeks pregnant with the twins!

UPPING the Ante on the UHSE!

2009-05-23T19:27:00.001-07:00

It just occurred to me with my overflowing HUGE box of my scrapbook stuff that i've downsized that i could offer a pretty rocking incentive for using my affiliate link to purchase a ticket to the UHSE!

I have been selling off much of my scrapbooking stash as well as my fabric stash. I have been making mystery boxes of scrapbook stuff, complete with high quaility brand name patterned paper, specialty paper, good textured cardstock and an assortment of embellishments including ribbon, chipboard, stickers, rubons, and more! i'm downsizing because we will soon have 2 new babies to share our bedroom, which doubles as my scrapping studio, so I need to free up some space. I take a flat rate postal box, the $10 ones, and stuff it to the gills with scrapbook goodies, and have been selling them at the INSANE price of $25 ppd. You get SO MUCH for that price. HOWEVER, I am going to GIVE AWAY, one FREE to the first person to sign up using my affiliate link. Just forward me your paypal reciept, and be sure to use my affiliate link! And the first person to sign up for the UHSE, either as an individual or with a friend, will get a box free! ALSO, for every 5 people that sign up using my affiliate link, i will give away another box, so if 5 people sign up, 2 of them will get a box, if 10 people sign up, 3 of them will get a box and so on!! This is an awesome deal!

PS, if you are a Sewing person and not a scrapper, or would just prefer fabric, i would be glad to substitute a mystery box of fabric. It would include an assortment of organic cotton fabric, hemp/cotton fabric, cute cotton knits, cute cotton quilt type print fabric, etc. I can't tell you what is in it, but i can tell you it will be good quality, cotton fabric.

SO, if you'd like to, follow one of the affiliate links below, and sign up for the UHSE, forward me your receipt to kvenvolden@comcast.net and I'll either send on your box, if you are first, or add you to the drawing, if you are 2nd or later!!

This deal is valid NOW, through next Sunday May 31st.

Ultimate homeschool Expo! wooohoo!!!

2009-05-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, i did the order with a friend last year and so totally double/tripled/maybe quadrupled my investment with all the great freebies alone, not to mention great vendor hall deals, and the massive stash of audios that i STILL haven't listened to them all! Its so totally worth the investment. I used my audios primarily to walk with in the AM. Before i got pregnant, i had built up the habit of getting up at like 6 am and walking with my MP3 player. Walking is clearly the best kind of exercise for me, low cost, low ambition :-) However, its also excruciatingly BORING! So i bought a $15 mp3 player, i bought mine at graveyardmall.com but i'm guessing you could find cheap ones a lot of places. And loaded it up with a variety of seminar topics, and each morning i'd choose one to listen to while i walked. It made the walk go much faster AND i was building not only my body, but my skills as a homemaker and homeschool mom at the same time! I also find its GREAT background for scrapbooking. I'm a scrapper and one of my biggist problems is i tend to THINK too much when i create things. Using audios on Itunes, gives my mind something to do other than over-critique my work, which any of you who scrap can certainly relate to. There comes a point where the old noggin does more harm than good! Anyway, It KILLS me that i've not bought my ticket yet, but i only have $58 in mommy homework money, and it costs $100 regular price, so i'd be writing a whole lot of mommy homework before i could get it, Sooo... anyway, i thought i'd post my affiliate links here to bless you and me both :-) Thank you in advance if you decide to use my affiliate link! And even if you don't, You must know that this is an unbeatable purchase. The regular price is $100, and you can get your tickets for only $39.95 individually, or $59.95 for two!

Order your ticket

Or better yet,

Order with a friend

OH, and if you can't find anyone to buy a ticket with you, let me know, and i'll post here and see if i can find you a partner! Buying with a friend brings the cost down to only $30, totally a steal!

Do you use Apologia Botany or Astronomy?

2009-05-20T09:29:00.001-07:00

If so, or if you are planning to soon, you should totally check out the giveaway that Jeannie Fulbright is doing right now!

She's giving away 4 of each book, you can see the details here http://www.jeanniesjournal.com/2009/05/botany-and-astronomy-notebooking.html

You can see the samples here

Botany and Astronomy
GOOD STUFF! i totally think it adds just the right amount of "oomph" to make the program a bit more complete.

a great marriage building blog

2009-05-14T12:38:00.001-07:00

I came across this blog, and thought you'd all benefit from it. When you sign up, you get emails when there's a post and you get the free ebook, which is excellent! plus the blog is bite sized, a little each day, very manageable.

http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/

As you may or may not know, this last anniversary, October 15th marked a dramatic point for me of "**** or get off the pot" in my marriage. Something had come up and things had gotten twisted in ways i never could have imagined and I found myself with my own "eye candy man" as the ebook from the above source described. Now, really, that might not be the best descriptor because while he was attractive, he'd not be the guy you'd pick out on the street and say, "WOOHHWEEE! let's get a piece of THAT!" if you know what i mean. It was more a heart thing... he spoke to me in such a deep way that to say the least, it was REALLY hard to let go of a really twisted and WRONG dream that had developed in me, and hold on to my marriage and my family. But I made that choice, and i put my faith in God to help me get through the coming months and years and lifetime that would follow, and HOPE that dh would be merciful to me.

And i have to say, BOTH God and Andy have come through for me in profound ways. First God gave me the strength to keep on going when i felt like my life was OVER. Andy, instead of being bitter, angry and entitled, like "I" would have been, he was gentle, attentive, merciful, and went out of his way to pay attention to my needs and make sure he was being the best husband he could. It has been 7 months tomorrow, and there's still after affects that are difficult to deal with. But i have to say that my life has changed so much. There are definately scars. I don't look at men the same way, with the same innocence as before. I KNOW that ANY one of them has the potential to become an inappropriate relationship and as a result I keep my distance. However, overall, i've changed for the better, and my LIFE has changed for the better in ways i never could have comprehended. I mean come on! I'm expecting TWINS this summer!! "2" new lives that may never have existed had things gone differently. WOW! That totally blows my mind. Life is not easy now, not by any stretch, my budget makes me cry, my van is downright scary to drive sometimes, and i honestly don't know how i'm going to deal with the birth situation, but life IS exactly what it was SUPPOSED to be, and that gives me peace and strength.

26 weeks, 2 days!

2009-05-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

And i'm officially measuring what i usually do in a singleton pregnancy at term :-)
my Moosey-ness is astounding, really, yet i've lost almost 25 lbs, and i'm thinking right now there's at least like 15 lbs of babies and placentae and other babymaking stuff, oh and my blood volume is supposed to be like 55% higher than usual, which i'm HOPING is what is accounting for my crazy high blood pressure! (its not high by normal human standards, but i run REALLY low, like i think the highest i've ever seen mine before was like 109/75 it's usally in the 90's over 75 and is right now 126/75 YIKES!) So i'm watching all my other stuff closely, making sure i'm not swelling up, etc.

I'm in the process of deciding whether to switch doctors or not. I found an AWESOME one, who has no problem with me laboring in water, birthing WITHOUT stirrups, and had confidence of my ability to do a natural birth. EVERYTHING seems perfect, to me, it seems like a no brainer. To andy, however, he's more hesitant. He had no problem with the doctor, although she did say the first thing she'd restrict if it looked like i was having issues with preterm labor would be SEX, which cracked me up because i KNEW it would win no points with andy :-) but he likes the other doctor a lot, despite his off color remarks during my hellish vaginal exam and my obvious need for a female doctor, for serious reasons... he just REALLY does not like the idea of switching midway through pregnancy. Honestly though, i'm on the brink and i really don't think i can deal with the fetal fibronectin test which is due 2 weeks from now, and would require that awful speculum... ugg... ok, so i need to stop stressing! Anyway, i really can't make this decision without him, and he seems to suddenly be MUTE, which for me, miss gab an hour, is like torture. WAAH! Praying that it all works out!

So, that's where i'm at. OH and i'm also contemplating cloth diapers, diaper service, how that will play out with diaper gifts i get when the babies are born, etc. Any ideas? feel free to leave a comment!
:-)
rebecca

Scrapbook mystery boxes for sale!!

2009-04-30T12:54:00.001-07:00

Anyone interested? they are flat rate priority boxes, the ones that ship for $9 something, PACKED with cardstock, Patterned paper, partial kits from various kit clubs, embellishements- stickers, rubons, lumpy stuff, etc. If there's a category of stuff you don't use, like you don't want partial kits, or you don't like cardstock, or whatever i can lightly customize, but i can't provide pics or tell you exactly what is in them because that would take forever and i'm not supposed to spend much time on my FEET right now, so the price is reflective of that! i'm asking $25 ppd for each box if you'd like them mailed, or if you live locally to me $16 each. I accept paypal, checks, money orders, etc, and might be willing to barter :-)

I'm trying to declutter my bedroom so its fit to house 2 more small humans :-)
Thanks!
Rebecca

24 week appointment

2009-04-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

Was today... and it was nightmarish, but with a good outcome. I'll explain. First, the babies are doing great, and i'm NOT dialating, so that's good.

What is nightmarish? well from the very beginning, it was SOMETHING. First the ultrasound. Baby A was COMPLETELY still. And it took a LONG time to find his heartbeat because he was all wrapped up around himself, kind of wadded up in a ball, and when i THOUGHT i saw his heart, NOT moving, it was really his stomach, the US tech showed me his heart which was a bit obscured but visibly beating. thank GOD! but it was a HORRIBLE few seconds there.

Ok, so NEXT, was the awful icky SPECULUM and while we'd decided to do my pap AFTER the babies were born, he figured why not go ahead and do it since he was doing a vaginal ultrasound anyway :-( :-( Well, my cervix is hard to access, and it was SO SO SOOO uncomfortable, not to mention psychologically with my ISSUES with being around strange men half naked. Well, it didn't work. So no pap, no cervical swab to look for preterm labor but we were able to see that my cervix was still nice and long, meaning i'm not dialating, which is awesome. So the next goal is to get to 28 weeks, then to 32, and then to 35 or so. The babies are really big. He kept marveling over and over about how big they are. Well, big deal, my babies are ALL big. They were still healthy and just fine. Not everyone follows a perfect chart of averageness. So they are in the 94th and 95th percentile and thought to be about 1 lb 12 oz so far :-) Which "I" anyway, think is a good thing!!!!

So then i went to the part of the appt afterword where we go over my blood sugar and all that.. basically, its not great but its not bad enough to warrant insulin so that's awesome. I'm kind of all over the place. But i do have to make pretty serious changes to my diet and be super super deliberate about EVERY little thing i eat. and i'm grumpy and chocolate deprived, and NOT happy about the whole situation, i'm doing it anyway, except that tonight i'm having a peice of Chloe's birthday cake and thats completely non-negotiable, so there.

I can't have my carnation instant breakfast anymore for breakfast which completely SUCKS because its the ONLY thing that appeals to me and i'm SICK of being nauseated all the time and just want to eat what feels good. I know, selfish.

Ok, so then we got into restrictions. No more grocery shopping unless i'm in a motorized cart or wheelchair. That just seems WEIRD to me, and I already feel like a freak on display. Especially when alex points out to EVERYONE that i'm having twins, at which point you can see people mentally counting my children, and making some sort of shocked gesture. Well, get over it people! UGG. ANd i HATE being dependent on others for stuff. Especially Andy. If i want something, i have to rely on HIM to get it, and that just plain SUCKS! i HATE IT, i want to do it myself.

So anyway, the last half a week or so has been trying, really really hard... as you can probably tell by my fabulous mood right now, and today just added to it all. At least my dad is back in MN now. It was a HARD visit, and he's coming again next month, and honestly, i don't know how i'm going to find the emotional where with all to be able to deal with it. He's demanding, and ALWAYS gets his way, and I have to cram all my kids into one small bedroom, and he doesn't have any kind of idea what is realistic for us as a large family. Honestly, i dont' know how i'm going to deal with that. My sister's coming too at least which is awesome. But i just feel like i have SO MUCH stress right now, that i can't take anymore, but he doesn't take no for an answer. I have NO power in this relationship. He gets his way, ALWAYS. I'm SO FRUSTRATED.

Anyway, this is my life right now. Hope i can post more positively next time. PRAYERS PLEASE!!!!
Rebecca

near death experience.

2009-04-16T11:45:00.000-07:00

WOW. Last night the most incredible, horrendous, scary thing happened! Andy and I had dropped off the older 4 at LOGOS, and were going out on our semi-date night with Leif, and had gone to barnes and Noble, and while there, Leif had gotten a poopy diaper. Well, we stopped at the parking lot outside the restaurant we were going to, and Andy was going to change Leif and i was going to go in ahead and get us seats and order, to reduce the time we'd need to wait and make sure we could pick up the children on time. Anyway, i was walking through the parking lot and approaching the main drag where cars drive, right in front of the restaurant. I saw a guy walking toward his car, he made eye contact, which i thought was kind of odd, had a serious look on is face, got into his car, all the while i'm approaching that main drag. Well in NO time he TORE out of his parking spot and barreled toward me! he missed me by less than 5 feet, i'm not sure exactly how much, but it SCARED the bejeebes out of me! oh my gosh, a couple people in a van saw and looked at me, like "WHOA" and i was just so in shock that i paused for a minute and went into the restaurant. When Andy got in i was like, "did you SEE that guy!? and Andy said, YEAH, he left a trail of burned rubber from his tire! It was CRAZY. We contemplated how if he HAD hit me, the speed would have surely killed me and the babies. And we wondered if at 23 weeks i was far enough along for him to be charged with 3 homicides. It was THAT close. And we thought about what would have happened had Leif NOT been in the car with Andy. we'd have been slower. Would we have been able to get him out of the way? It really reinforced to me how much God is in control, and while things seem to randomly happen, and while it seems like i could be taken out at any second by a rogue crazy person, I know that that's NOT the case. But it still makes you think.

Decluttering sucess!!!

2009-04-15T11:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the girls room was the WORST in the house.. i WISH i took before pictures, but here's some AFTER pictures! i'm SO pleased at the nearly all day venture Alex and i undertook to make their room look nice!! The rocking chair i got at deseret thrift store, $30 woohoo! and is temporary till we get my living room baby nook carved out, but the girls LOVE it, it will be hard to take away from them!

My appt today

2009-04-14T16:01:00.000-07:00

It went pretty well! Not ALL the answers i wanted to get but overall, i'm ok with what's going down. First of all, i meet with the nurse, mostly, and she is about the sweetest person you'll ever meet, and she's so diplomatic, andy was really impressed with how she suggested i not be so confrontational in a really super diplomatic way, LOL! No, but really, she's great, and all the techs are nice and i'm getting more used to the dr. And i am fairly certain i'm staying with them at this point.

Anyway, here's what i found out.

1. vaginal vs. Csec for me will be determined by how baby "A" is positioned. If he's head down, i'm good to go. My biggest (non baby health related) fear is that i'll deliver A naturally, and then have to have a section for B! UGG. so if B is transverse or breech, that will throw a kink into my plans and i may well just opt for a section at that point, well see.

2. If i have the go ahead for a regular birth, then the only real restrictions are that i have to have an IV or an IV port, the babies have to be monitored at all times, ie, no WATER :-( and i THINK thats it... I don't have to deliver in the OR. There WILL be a minimum of 5 people present, which is a bummer but it makes sense. not ideal but i can manage.

3. Babies are looking good, both hearts still beating! one is on my left side, (B) and one is on my right.. they are both currently head down! so if they can stay put another 15 weeks or so i'm good to go :-)

So overall, a very positive experience. I feel a lot of peace about the whole thing... OH one bit of bad news. The office person that told me my 1 hour test blood sugar was fine was wrong. it was slightly elevated, so they sent me home with a blood tester, and so far so good! i just have to track my blood sugars for a couple days and call them in, which itself is a good sign, the dr. isn't making me take a 3hr test yet, so YAY!!

I think that's it! I'd totally appreciate continued prayer.. still have a lot on my mind, and i'll feel MUCH better next week after my 2 ultrasounds, vaginal and regular to see how my cervix is doing. I've been having a fair amount of cramping but its hard to tell what is normal creakyness and what is a real concern.

:-)
rebecca

Family of origin issues.

2009-04-13T19:26:00.001-07:00

Why is it that being pregnant, birth, and the like have SUCH an effect of directing one's thought toward family of origin? For me, this is really HARD. My mother basically told me she didn't want anything to do with me, when i refused to have any kind of relationship with my stepfather who has molested me since i was a baby. I had recently told her, and she called me a liar, until he admitted it to her, and that didn't change anything. I got back in contact with her a few years ago... when Anna was a baby. Rather, i got in contact with my Grandma, and my mother called me to yell at me and "how dare you talk to your grandma" me, and despite that, we had a couple of non-heated email conversations until she just ignored me. My grandma's number was changed and i've not yet been able to find her. Not sure if that was intentional, for my benefit, or just kind of in the swing of things. Anyway, my mother, she's never made any attempt whatsoever to even MEET her grandchildren, she just plain doesn't care. And that GETS me. I don't understand that. I'm a mom, and that would absolutely KILL me. The thing is, i KNOW i have absolutely ZERO fault in the whole scenario, and how often can you really say that truthfully? Basically this is me being beaten over the head by her and it doesn't ever seem to go AWAY! Especially now, just about everyone asks if i have family coming up to help with the babies, and how they wouldn't have survived their twins' first few months without help, and i have to say, NOPE, don't have any. And that's not entirely true. Andy's dad is going to come up this summer sometime, for his annual visit, and he's AWESOME, he's just such a positive and NICE guy. We've really loved how our relationship with Danny has blossomed and how we've gotten to know him and he's gotten to know our children! MUCH more than any of our other parents. NOW, that's not to insult andy's OTHER dad, LONG story, LOL but he's only had a few years to get to know us, another long story, and he and his wife are SUPER busy and yet they still make time to come up to visit at least every other year. And we talk to them on the phone and they are SUPPORTIVE. Now, if only the mother situation was that good. Things are spotty with Andy's mom. Not NEARLY as crazy as with my mom, but not great, that's for sure. Especially when i'm pregnant. She doesn't like that at ALL- never has, and that ticks me off in a big way. WHY would it be so hard to just support us????? i'm not talking about paying our bills or watching our kids every week for a date night, or even coming up for a couple of weeks when we have our twins, heck, i'd be happy with just positive words. Just something better than "well, guess you'll have to get back to the real world" when andy mentioned that we'd have to have a hospital birth. I mean, COME ON! That is a BIG deal to me, BIG. how hard would it be to have just a little sensitivity. I mean WHY THE HECK is it SO FREAKING HARD to have a LITTLE bit of support for us in our time of need. And be sure, it IS our time of need! My whole world is practically upturned and i feel like we are ON OUR OWN. Now that's not exactly true. I have a GREAT bunch of friends, my local MOPS group is AWESOME, i mean really, no comparison, I just discovered a twins support group in Tacoma! Things SHOULD be good, but i just can't get past the idea that our MOTHERS should BE there for us!!!! Maybe that's just me, becuase when something is lacking in life, God totally provides some kind of substitute. But it still smarts. And i really wish things could be different.

What's new

2009-04-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

I have to share! I am SO excited. Andy is off work for 11 days, and we are going to be cleaning and organizing! wooohoo! I'm supposed to be taking it easy, so i've been making the kiddos do all the grunt work, but it will be SO nice to have a GROWN UP here to help! So far, i've moved leif's dresser into the boys room, in the one remaining teeny tiny spot for it! and then i set up the new drawers for the babies, in my closet, it fits nicely. we still have lots of cleaning in my room to do, still need to set up the crib, which we probably don't need to do for a while but since he's on vacation this week, its probably not a bad idea, we have a LOT LOT LOT of decluttering to do! and hopefully finding some homeschool stuff to sell in the homeschool sale that i'm doing next month in May. Shouldn't be hard! I'm sick of my house being a mess, and i'm thinking if we can drastically declutter, it will be easier to maintain, ESSENTIAL if i end up on full bedrest. So... we'll see! hoping to post some pics later of my nice clean space!!! off to dinner and church! Hope you all have a blessed Easter!
Rebecca

The last week's insanity

2009-04-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

So, Last thursday, i had an alarming visit from my landlord... long story short, i told him that we were having twins, and he was NOT impressed. To say the least. I couldn't quite get out of him whether he was upset enough to kick us out, we are on a month to month lease, which means he COULD legally boot us with 20 days notice, which for us, would be instant homelessness. It sounded BAD though, so that night we went out to Round Table to let the kids play games, have pizza and have grown up discussion time/space. So we came up with a plan and decided to have Andy call our landlord Saturday... sooo... i went through all of Friday, completely freaked out and crying almost all day (can you see a theme here, NO clue what's up with all the crying) So Saturday, he called and was told in no uncertain terms that he would NEVER do that, and he was not the kind of man who would put almost 7 children out on the street (YAY!!!!) it really left me wondering WHY Andy has so much better luck talking to people than i do!! I mean, i'm the oratorically gifted one of us, NO comparison. I wonder if being female is THAT much of a liability. ANYWAY, it seems that hurdle is jumped, and we can at least move on and not worry about being HOMELESS. YAY!

So then saturday we also went to lowes and did our annual no interest, no payments for a year trip, bought some drawers for Leif and the twins, bought an AMAZING CUSHIE rug for our living room and another lamp table for the living room, then i was up till like 1230 cleaning and stuff... but our living room looks nice.

SO... next order of business, on Sunday we got to pick up our crib from Teresa in Renton! (Thanks teresa!!!!) She volunteered to give it to us when i first posted to the HSA list about how wigged out i was about the whole twin thing, and that was a NICE load off, just one less thing to worry about! not only that but its a super NICE crib, and IKEA one! LOOOVE ikea... i could totally buy all our furniture at IKEA, IF i could buy all our furniture at IKEA! LOL so that's awesome. I'm eagerly looking forward to garage sale season to seek out some baby stuff, totally pregnant at the perfect time for that, provided these little guys stay IN!

YESTERDAY was so beautiful out and today too, we actually did our schoolwork on the front lawn. I noticed it was a LOT harder to have my laying down in bed time, (a significant amount each day that i'm supposed to be doing now) So i guess i'll need to have prescribed front yard time for everyone so i can watch them and then just make them stay in the back the rest of the day that they want to be outside....

I'm having REAL issues with keeping the house clean right now.. i need to declutter BADLY, not easy right now... and NO one listens to me! i'm so grateful at the end of the day when ANDY gets home because he commands respect in a way that i don't think i ever could. I really need to work on character training before the baby comes... NOT to mention getting Leif to sleep in his OWN bed... sigh.. he's such a snugglebug...

Over and out-
R

how i'm doing

2009-03-30T11:28:00.000-07:00

Well, i went from Wednesday- crying pretty much ALL day long, same with Thursday, only part of the day friday... and on and on.. so i think my cry-meter indicates that i'm doing a little better with the shock of the whole thing...

I'm still stressing quite a bit about the whole birth scenario... i went from being virtually NO risk to super high risk in one ultrasound session. I was planning a home (well, freestanding birth center, but essentially the same thing) water birth, and now i'm told, nope! No home, no water, no moving around, IV the whole time.. and it stresses me out! The thing is, that i, having done this 5 times already really KNOW how birth works. I KNOW that birth is HARD. I'm not one of those people that has nice, fast, easy births. I wake up in the middle of the night, on a thursday, (always!) with contractions, and i labor through the day friday, things pick up friday evening, and baby is born sometime in the middle of friday/saturday night. So like Anna was born around 1 am,(if i remember right) same with Chloe, Leif, being 10.5 lbs was born at 5 am! LOL. So its not quick, its NOT easy, but is SAFE!!! My midwife KNOWS me, and knows what is dangerous for ME, so i have that safety net. i KNOW what to expect, HECK, i even know that i ONLY have babies on the WEEKEND! I am nearly certain both Anna and Leif would have been Csecs with a doctor, because some strange doctor does NOT know me, and know what's safe for ME and does NOT want to get sued, and that takes heavy priority over ME.

Problem IS, that i ALSO know how seriously dangerous interventions are! And i know that drugs, which i'm sure i would have gladly gobbled up in my previous births, had i access, would likely depress my system and slow down birth, as would epidural intervention. Many drugs also could go through the placenta, slowing my babies body systems and potentially requiring a quick evacuation. Epidurals come with a myriad of side effects, including potential wrenching headaches, which i am prone to begin with, so NOT ideal. and if i don't go into labor by 38 weeks, then i'd be a candidate for induction, which makes contractions THAT much harder.

I also know that laying on your back in labor is the WORST position to be in. The birth canal curves upward which means flat on your back the contractions have to not only help expel the babies, but also literally PUSH them uphill. That's just stupid. No way around it, WHY would you put yourself through that unnecessarily? And short of being numb or unconscious it is NOT necessary, BUT its likely still the medical standard. So where does that leave me?

NOW, this is all still speaking of only the natural aspect of birth... IF baby A is breech or transverse, then i for sure have to have a C-sec. If baby B is breech or transverse and the doctor is unable to turn him, then i get to deliver one baby vaginally, and one baby c-sec. Which i think would have to be the worst case scenario, not counting infant mortality. I mean COME ON!! I can feel my blood pressure rise just thinking about it! Now, a C-sec is a major surgery. MAJOR. I knew of a lady in the homeschooling community online with 5 children who died delivering her baby C-Sec due to infection. I also had a friend locally who for some reason did not get NUMB during the surgery, and her doctor didn't believe her. I know that horror stories are just that, but STILL, major surgery is major surgery. And I for one, am not much for taking that lightly. AND i'm a big baby!!!

SO, HOW do i reconcile all this! how do i deal with it and be OK with it?! HOW can i make my mind stop OBSESSING over this because its not like i have any amount of control over ANYTHING anymore?! Any wisdom?

Thanks,
Rebecca

My ultrasound!

2009-03-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

Well, if anyone says that God doesn't have a sense of humor, they are sorely mistaken. Today i had my 20 week ultrasound, and immediately upon placement of the doppler thingy onto my gargantuan belly, the doctor annnounced there was 2 babies in there!!!!!

YES, you read that correctly. THey are TWINS.

And if that wasn't enough, we eagerly waited while all their body parts were measured, and sure enough, two little penises were quite prominently evident! I am not only pregnant with twins but with TWIN BOYS. Now, if that isn't twisted, i don't know what is. It just occurred to me that besides my 2 girls, i now have 5 BOYS! I'm not sure why i find that so incredibly astounding, but i DO!

So, as i try to scrape my jaw off the floor, i'm having a GOOD attitude. Twins are a double blessing. I will NOT go crazy. I WILL carry them to term and have healthy babies, i CAN do this. Right? Well i know one thing for sure, God is behind in front of and THROUGH this situation, and its NOT a surprise to HIM! So its all going to be Ok.

forgiveness

2009-03-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

My sister is here visiting for a couple of days, and its been really fun. she and the kids are inseperable, and we're getting along well too. Well, this morning she said something that really shook me... one of the kids made a "Julie" comment, which i've discouraged them from doing because while she's only my stepmom, she's Dorie and Eric's REAL mom, so you know... but she looked at me and was like, "you just have to forgive her, she was messed up herself, and there's unfinished business but you have to move on."

NOW, it was not that she said that but my immediate internal reaction that freaked me out. Immediately i thought, NO! "I" was the child, and i don't CARE if she had issues, she didn't have to give ME issues! Now, i'm a Christian and I believe that forgiveness is NECESSARY, even toward people who have horribly horribly wronged you, and i completely consider the abuse suffered at her hands to be RIGHT on par with my stepdad molesting me, it was psychological, not sexual, but very severe. However, unlike pretty much everyone else in my life who has betrayed me, SHE actually apologized to me! I REALLY thought i'd forgiven her!!! WHY?! is it so hard to not only forgive, but to figure out if you HAVE forgiven or not!!! The thing is, i know that i'm not perfect, not by a long shot, and there's no scorecard, the people that hurt you have been hurt by others, and typically YOU don't hurt the people that hurt you, you hurt others, so all balanced out, I am really no better than HER. So What's the deal then? Question of the ages i guess! Does anyone else struggle with this?

Later,
rebecca

2009-03-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i thought i'd post here in case there are other frugal ones who go
through GOBS of diapers!! And any other MOPS gals, from my group, sorry for the repost! thought this was good enough to share on the blog too!

You can print coupons that have a special signature of some kind so that
retailers know they are legitimate and USUALLY, you can hit the back space and
reprint them ONE TIME and they will have a new legitimate signature... at
coupons.com its a little different, you check the coupons you want to print,
then go back to the coupon selection page, and they will be on the BACK page.
That threw me off the first time they came out! So anyway, you can do this for
each computer that you have connected to a printer. (it prints automatically so
you can't select a different printer it must be the default. ANYWAY, here's the
link for the diaper deal, i follow this gal's blog regularily, she posts
AMAZING stuff

http://www.moneysavingmom.com/money_saving_mom/2009/03/freeplusoverage-huggies-w\
ipes.html

Now, specifically, as of yesterday i used 3 $5 off coupons at Walgreens... they
were for the gentle care diapers and my walgreens only had those in size N and
1, and while i AM expecting a newborn this summer, i REALLY needed diapers for
my toddler! so i figured i'd chance it, and the coupons DID work for the
natural care ones that came in Leif's size. The difference was really tiny, and
i figured i'd chance it, Anyway, so those are on sale for $10 each, I bought 2
packs plus a $6 pack of wipes. Then i used 3$5 off coupons that i printed out.

So here's the rundown

$20 for 2 packs of diapers
$6 for a pack of wipes

- $15 in coupons, so that's

$11 after coupons... BUT that's not all! Walgreens through saturday has a deal
where if you buy $25 (before coupons) of huggies products it will print out a
$10 voucher for next time you come in! Soo... i ended up paying $1 for 2 packs
of diapers and 1 big pack of wipes!!

Very cool huh??? If you do not have a diaper wearing child, you should totally
print them out anyway, and you could give them to someone with a diapered child
or use them to buy diapers for a shower gift, or whatever! totally worth the
time!!

Anyway, i hope this is helpful!!
God Bless you all!
Rebecca

Life and death

2009-03-10T13:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday one of my dh's friends from work died. He had a crazy, rapid, battle with cancer, From December-March. His name was Sivasa and he had a wife and children. Its humbling and really eye opening, since he was only 12 years older than Andy. I know its definately made Andy think. I am hoping to attend the funeral saturday with him to support him in this. Hopefully everything times out well.

Life is precious isn't it? it's all so fragile and delicate and it makes me wonder how anyone can not have a belief and faith in God, and not constantly fear getting squashed by the giant foot of life. It would just be so EASY to get your candle snuffed out in any random "accident." Though, as you might have guessed by my quotes, i don't believe in accidents. In church one week, they played a clip from the movie Signs. I love this film, and its graphic depiction of one man's struggle with faith. I find it quite realistic. I'm skimming through you tube right now trying to find it... here it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8ex6-mmCT4 start at 1:35
Anyway, it talked about 2 kinds of people. People who believed in miracles and people who don't. Its WELL worth a watch.

On a different but same note, I learned yesterday that President Obama lifted federal funding restrictions on EMBRYONIC stem cell research. Why did i emphasize EMBRYONIC? Because Adult stem cells offer a huge amount of promise as well, and they can be obtained WITHOUT the killing of a human being, or harvesting of human being remains (turning the harvesting of human being remains into big business, bigger than already) So WHY is it that when you hear the phrase "stem cell research" it is nearly ALWAYS referring to embryonic stem cells? Perhaps, scientists aren't happy with limitations on how they can experiment on human beings. Perhaps they simply don't CARE about human beings that are less powerful than them, less influential, NOT influential. I am convinced that our society is no different than any other that we look back and marvel at their cruelty. Nazi germany for example: Clearly, some life was more valued than other. Jews were compared to rats. Handicapped people, old people, they were all expendable. Much is the same now. I think one of the biggest categories of people under attack are preborn infants. They are human, their humanness is undeniable, once they have the genetic material that makes them what they are, its merely a spectrum of development. People are people at conception. And yet THESE particular people are not protected by law. They can be killed, even in painful and torturous ways with no consequence to the perpetrator. Women are deceived into believing that it is for THEIR benefit that abortion is available. It isn't. Its BIG money, BIG profits and the women who perpetuate this business are as much victims as the babies they (inadvertantly?) allow to be killed. Well, embryonic stem cell research is similar, it is still the blatant disregard of life, with the guise of being in support of life.

So who cares? I care, and i believe life to be precious and a gift given by our creator. I am disturbed that life is often so carelessly discarded. I'm saddened by loss of life, even when it was naturally timed. I guess, i just was pretty well absorbed by all this yesterday and was compelled to type about it.

FREE- Jonathan Park Volume 1!!!

2009-02-24T20:18:00.000-08:00

If you are not familiar, Jonathan park is a creation science adventure story series. My children really enjoy it! and the digital format makes it easy to put on your mP3 player, or just burn to cd to listen the old fashioned way!

hurry! this is just through saturday! you can also enter the contest for $50 free from behemoth.com which is a fantastic site and offers daily freebies!

http://inashoe.com/2009/02/23/free_behemothcom/

Affairs

2009-02-18T16:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, so i'm watching Oprah... NOT something i do very often. I have issues with her and her agendas, but when i saw the topic of today (affair-proofing your marriage) i knew that i had to watch the remainder of the show. (half way through the second part of a 2 part series) And the the number one recommendation that the expert provided was to Appreciate your spouse, and SHOW your spouse appreciation.

I have to tell you, i nearly had to jump out of my seat and scream "YES!" because this guy is right on the nose! Oprah was handling the whole conversation very tastefully and neutrally, and one woman had to get out there and tell oprah that she was being too sensitive toward the men, and that she just needed to "give it to them" and Oprah very calmly replied that her purpose was to understand the situations behind affairs so that others could prevent them. and there were a few ideas that were brought up by this woman, that i had to post about because i think they are REALLY common fallacies that many women believe and it may be costing them their marriage! This is an issue that is close to my heart for a variety of reasons. After being married 14+ years, while neither of us have had a physical affair, we have both made poor choices, and compromised our marriage as a result.

Fallacy #1- Affairs are all about your upbringing. (Ie. a GOOD person would never have an affair.

This is absolutely untrue. If it were all about MY upbringing, i have to tell you, i'd be a complete criminal, and a wholly useless human being. The thing is, that God is faithful and can often provide where our lives lacked. Just because you were raised in a negative way does NOT mean that you are in any way destined to be a rotten person or an adulterer. In contrast, you could be raised in the most perfect, wonderful, Christian home, and STILL fall prey to the sin of adultery. Granted, a person who cheats on his or her spouse is likely NOT in a great place as far as relationship with God, but relationships with God, like relationships with people are fluid and ever-changing. And the bottom line is, LIFE HAPPENS. I've heard SO many describe their affairs as happening during a "perfect storm of events" That is no coincidence. We are ALL sinners, and we ALL have the potential to be broken down by life to the point of doing things we would never have imagined possible.

Fallacy #2 its wrong to suggest that an affair could have been prevented by a the spouse's behavior. I mean after all, we as women have SO Much already to do, one more thing is unreasonable to expect.

Oprah very wisely pointed out that to suggest ways that an event could be prevented is NOT the same as assigning blame. Personally, i believe that spouses DO have a responsibility to one another, to encourage them, and edify them and help them in whatever ways necessary. So if this lady is saying that there's no TIME to be an attentive wife, i'd have to disagree 100%. If you are too busy to complement your husband here and there, to notice when he does nice things for you, to recognize when he's worked a really hard day and let him know you appreciate all he does for your family, then you need to SERIOUSLY re-evaluate what is causing you to be so "busy" and if indeed you even want to be a part of a married couple, because that's NOT something you can ignore! Not if you want to stay married anyway! Especially if you are a Christian woman, you need to get the world's way of living OUT of your mind, because it is a *LIE* If you want a happy, healthy marriage you need to put TIME into it, you need FAR more than the average 12 minutes a day of meaningful conversation, you need date nights, you need a good, strong, sexual relationship, you need to make your spouse feel SPECIAL, so they won't be drawn away by someone ELSE that is willing to make them feel special.

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY- So now i know you are all thinking, "But wait, having an affair is a CHOICE, anyone can just choose to NOT to have an affair!" And to that i'd say that i'm not assigning any "BLAME" to the spouse, even though i DO think that their behavior can either build up a spouse or tear him or her down, and so there is some element of responsibility there, like it or not, that is life. We as a married couple are ONE body, we are ONE being, and we affect the well being of each other regularily. That's just part of being married! Bottom line, there comes a point where you have to trust in the character of your spouse. Given NORMAL HEALTHY marital relations, a spouse with a good moral fiber will NOT be tempted to cheat, but i think that given the right perfect storm, any one person CAN indeed fall. Its a delicate balance. I don't believe its necessary to be an alarmist and think that if you aren't having physical relations with your husband every day that he'll be tempted to cheat. However, it IS a necessity to be having frequent satisfying physical relations with your spouse. You can't play the "I don't have time" card. Your first priority in life, if you are married, SHOULD be to be an attentive spouse, so make time for that, and if you are a guy, make time for doting on your wife, making her feel special, taking a hated chore off her hands. ITs the BEST aphrodisiac, i can attest to this PERSONALLY! But don't forget about the little things you can do to build up your spouse, because they ADD UP!

There's much more to be said, i'm sure, but life goes on and dinner must be served to grumpy children so i'm signing out! I just hope to encourage you ladies to really BE there for your spouse! to make an affair an incomprehensible concept. To be able to say to yourself IF the unspeakable DOES happen in your family, that you did EVERYTHING in your power to prevent it. Marriage is SO under attack in our society and there's SO few voices defending it.

a song

2009-02-17T11:22:00.000-08:00

i think i love every song on the Jericho soundtrack... i should see if there is an actual sountrack. Anyway, this one particularily spoke to me. thought i'd share

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOn5Eudj5tI

a vent.

2009-02-13T17:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, so i KNOW i have an attitude. And of course, my dad is here visiting so its a given i'm going to have a miserable time. But good grief! I'm worn out. Physically, (courtesty of new baby) emotionally, mentally... and tomorrow is valentines day, which SUCKS. Because like Christmas, Valentines day is something to be enjoyed by everyone EXCEPT Fedex families. All week, just WORK, WORK, WORK, And when Andy has a bad day at work, EVERYONE feels it. not to mention that i am TIRED... T I R E D! Did i mention, Tired???

So anyway, my dad came into my room, and was like, i only was able to get 1 of my 5 package mailed so can you do it tomorrow? Well, great, Andy's gone in the AM, i guess we can go out after, just ONE more thing... yk? I guess i just feel kind of resentful because i just feel like it would NOT be THAT hard to baby me once in a while, but whenever he comes, its Bec, do this, bec, do that. I mean geez... i'm totally the most low maintenance of his children, i don't have court costs, legal bills, etc like one of my siblings, and the part of my college tuition that wasn't covered by scholarships is in student loan form, being waited to be paid for, by ME. NOT dad, like my other sibling. HECK, i'm CHEAP. Better than cheap because whenever he comes to visit, i cram ALL my children into one bedroom in order to give him a bedroom to stay in. And still, its always "Bec, mail stuff for me" "I don't plan for anything so you bear the brunt of that, dear daughter and pick up the slack" Ok, that's not REALLY a quote, but that's how i hear it. I mean would it REALLY be THAT hard to say, Gosh, you work so hard and are always so worn out and self sacrificing. Why don't you leave the kids with me for the evening and go out with andy somewhere nice! We'll play board games and eat popcorn. It will be fun! Yeah, DREAM on, that will NEVER happen. And WHY i think things could ever be ANY different, i have NO clue. I have NEVER EVER been babied by anyone who is supposed to love me. My mother is out of our lives, by her choice, and i pretty much mothered HER when i she was IN our lives. Kids obviously are not supposed to be "givers" they are SUPPOSED to be energy suckers, which they excell at :-) not complaining, i'm glad to provide them what I didn't have. and my lovely dh, God bless him, just isn't that kind of guy. I know he cares, that's not it, its just not his way of expressing love to me.

Sooo... anyway, I just wonder HOW i managed to NEVER get to be the recipient of loving service. I mean, its happened, on occassion, i guess. I have great friends. I know upon the birth of several of my babies, my friend Kristan came all the way up from her house, NOT close by, with her family in tow, and went shopping for me, almost ALWAYS getting me something that i was NOT able to live without for much longer, like lansinoh, or rescue remedy (nursing is HARD on me early on with my babies, i think my boobs are shaped funny) when i really didn't want to send dh out and leave me with all the other kids, to get! so i'm not completely pathetically neglected. We were also blessed greatly by a neighbor this Christmas time, and also by several church members... i think we must be pretty conspicuous. :-) Anyway, maybe its just an attitude thing. Only seeing the bad when there's plenty of good. I guess with all the valentines day crap going on, i just feel extra glum. I really wish andy would surprise me, take the initiative to plan a romantic evening, figure out childcare, figure out where to go, have it all budgeted and no stress, and just take the whole load off of me. I mean, i make an effort to speak to HIS love language as often and creatively as possible. (that would be physical affection, of COURSE) I guess, i just wish that "I" could have a moment once in a while, from a man in my life.... Dad, husband, whatever! Ok, whine over! Thanks if you've finished my BOOK here, and feel free if you care to commisserate to post! i will feel for you too! :-) or if you want to set me straight, that's fine too :-)
Better days later-
Rebecca the grump

a REALLY cool giveaway!

2009-02-13T10:25:00.000-08:00

WOW, had to post about this one... at this blog http://simplekids.net/ they are giving away 3 great open ended kids toys! They look fun, i'm tempted to buy if i don't win :-)

rebecca

Dr. Who

2009-02-12T10:19:00.000-08:00

My 10yo is OBSESSED with Dr. who. Its kind of a weird thing for me, being that just about every guy i dated in high school was obsessed with, or at least ENJOYED Dr. Who. He now thinks that England must be the coolest place and pronounces "Donna" Like "Doughnut without the "t" its pretty funny :-) Its one of many "stop and think" moments i've had today. Its a crazy thing living deliberately. Like all the things I just totally took for granted or ignored before are glaring me in the face. Almost like the details all pop out there, competing for attention. So that is why i'm thinking about dR. who this morning, when i SHOULD be thinking about getting DRESSED! It amazes me all that a person takes for granted when not thinking deliberately. How easily one can fall into a trap. How difficult to tell WHO is on your side, WHO loves you and who is dragging you down.

Graham family ministries

2009-01-26T13:06:00.000-08:00

Ok, i almost forgot to mention that i am now an affiliate for Graham family ministries products! WOOHOO! Sheri Graham, makes the best homeschool, lapbooking, homemaking, etc. ebooks out there! and with my new affiliate code, i get a portion of your sales, you get awesome ebooks, and she sells product, WIN, WIN, WIN, :-)

Check it out. truly good stuff

Click here to visit Graham Family Ministries website!

Lord of the rings? Witchcraft?

2009-01-26T12:36:00.001-08:00

I just read, well, skimmed through, kind of rushing through some computer time while i eat lunch, a really neat article about Lord of the Rings and if its OK, for Christians. This is good food for thought. http://aponderingheart.com/blog/?p=432 I have to admit, i've not given it much thought before. Maybe its because I never got around to watching those films myself, and myself am more into "futuristic" type Sci fi, like Back to the future, the time machine, etc. But i've always taken for granted that LOTR was a "good" kind of magic type thing, (LOL, aren't I articulate??) kinda like Chronicles of Narnia. Well, this article really places the question in one's mind, is it so?

I know i am pretty strict with my family about occult and witchcraft. I got an eye roll from a friend this summer for mentioning that we don't allow "dragon tales" and the like for our kids. Do I think that by watching "Dragon Tales" that my children are going to become flaming Wiccans? No! I think in a way, its harmless kid stuff, but in a different way, its contributing to a formation of an attitude that magic is ok, and occult is ok. So THAT to me, is not worth it, especially since the benefits of such a show are so MINUTE that its not even worth consideration, imo. There are PLENTY of time suckers on television for my children to watch that aren't occult based. I mention all that, because i know i have a tendancy to be EXTREME and i try to mitigate myself some, so that i don't lose sight of the big picture, and to just maintain a healthy balance.

Anyway... i think its good for Christians to step outside the box a little and explore new ideas, and this one struck me as interesting and one worthy of sharing.

Blessings to you all!
Rebecca

Confused

2009-01-25T14:10:00.001-08:00

Do you ever just get confused, forget who you are, what the point of it all is? I think the enemy is messing with me again, prayers are much appreciated. My house is a mess, and its COLD and church is the pits lately. I am however, finding if i take my nausea medicine that my blech-ness is somewhat manageable. I went to an AMAZING women's conference yesterday, and it was great. I felt bad leaving dh with the kids all day. Then again, i guess i have them all day every OTHER day. I was excited to see Lisa Whelchel in person, (commonly known as "Blair" from the Facts of Life) But at the same time it was strangely creepy, because in person, she looks almost EXACTLY like my stepmother! Whole nother can of worms i didn't wish to think about. :-) Nah... mostly made peace with her. Why does life have to be so complicated. Andy's work is officially not doing transfers anymore, till the economy improves so my desire to run away to southern oregon and hide from my problems isn't happening. But i suppose God has me here for a reason. And logic tells me that reason isn't just to be really really mean to me. Sigh... tomorrow will be a better day.

Week 9-12

2009-01-21T10:56:00.000-08:00

So i'm actually in week 11. but here's a pic for weeks 9-12

And here's the discription on the website-

The heart is almost completely developed and the heart rate can be heard on a Doppler machine at the doctor’s office. Most major organs and tissues have developed and red blood cells are now produced in the liver. The face is well formed and the eyes are almost fully developed. The eyelids will close and not reopen until the 28th week. Arms, hands, fingers, legs, feet, and toes are fully formed. Nails and earlobes start to form and tooth buds develop in the gums. Fetus can make a fist with its finger. Testosterone (male sex hormone) is produced by the testes in male fetus.

I have my first midwife appt. on the 29th, and i'll be sure to post here the heart rate :-) we should be able to hear it by then. I am very much looking forward to starting our midwife circuit! Its become a fun family tradition, we go to an appointment on thursday once a month do the museums in Tacoma, maybe go to Rock pizza for pizza buffet, if funds and timing is right... The kids come with to the appointment, and get to hear the heartbeat. Our midwife is super family friendly, which i LOVE and everyone gets to be a part! its great! And we get to do it all over again!

I HATE EBOOKS!!!

2009-01-13T12:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, so can i vent a minute?!?! I just bought a couple bundles from the TEACH conference I went to last night,http://www.teachersbookshoppe.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=122_94&products_id=351 and http://www.teachersbookshoppe.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=122_94&products_id=354 i LOVE her materials, and i could use pretty much any of them so i chose 2 that had the most "ACTUAL" books in them. While i don't NORMALLY **HATE** ebooks, i also tend to not actually USE them. I'm a "cuddle up and read a book with a cup o' cocoa" NOT a veg out on the computer and read off the screen kind of person. I have TRIED to resist that, and i'm coming to terms with this just being WHO i am! PLUS, with the ebooks, you have to search for them on the computer, rather than tripping over them in your living room :-) PLUS with ebooks, you have the expense of printing them out, having them bound, and the TIME involved to do all that. And typically, ebooks are close enough to retail to not even come close to covering the cost of ink, paper, UPS store binding, and the gas to drive them there! So when given a choice, i choose REAL books. But being bound and DETERMINED to atually make some CHANGES in our house, i'm completely bent on getting these bundles printed and USABLE! SO, today i was all set to print out the Character bundle ebooks then i'm going to have them bound together into one book, because it will be larger and sturdier that way, i won't seperate or lose the individual books. Well, i'm making lunch, and it takes me a while to get back to the computer to flip over the pile of papers and so i do, finish lunch and come back to find it printing gibberish, all over the PERFECTLY PRINTED FRONT SIDE!!!!! ARGGGHGHGHGHGH! My stupid printer does that if i take too long to get to it! so i had to trash the whole endevor and start over again! AND i'm on my last 2 inks, AND who knows if this one will actually work or if the dumb printer will feed 2 pages instead of one and the page numbering will be all wrong. THANK GOODNESS Lorrie's ebook pages are NUMBERED! Seriously, if any ebook authors are reading, PLEASE, for the love of ALL that is HOLY, number your pages!!!!! It may save my life :-) Or at least my sanity.

WHEW!! it looks like the Character bundle printed out successfully. NOw i'm off to start all over with the cooking bundle! Wish me luck. My rope is getting SHORTER! and i really want to get this done, and hopefully brought to the UPS store to bind today! ARGH!

Please forgive my woefully poor grammatical and spelling skills.. i know my tense doesn't match up at all, and i'm typing with PASSION. Becuase there's very little more frustrating than TOO MANY THINGS to do and a printer thats obviously POSSESSED!

one of THOSE days...

2009-01-12T10:39:00.000-08:00

Sigh... it is DEFINATELY one of THOSE days. I'm queasy, not quite ready to lose my breakfast yet, but definately walking sloooowly... The only 1 of the 3 who do spelling could find their spelling books today, we could find NO sharpened pencils so everyone is usign pens, Leif unwrapped all the toilet paper and decorated the hallway with it, the rest of the house looks like a tornado went through it... The SCHOOLROOM looks like nuclear holocaust. literally, looks like someone took every game, dumped it, took every bin, and dumped it! Its INSANE. It is completely testing my resolve to NOT scream at everyone ALL DAY! My 10 year old is insisting he CAN'T read, and he CAN! my 7yo is not sounding out words but using the pictures as clues, my 5yo is SCREAMING when she gets frustrated with any little thing, and my 13 year old JUST found his spelling book. AND its only getting worse from there, because there is going to be NO television or computer games until that schoolroom is spotless and the living area is navigatable, which is going to put everyone in some seriously bad moods. Poor dad is going to be stuck dealing with them all tonight, when i skip town with AMY, (CALGON, take me away!!!)

Sigh... WHY do i do this?! Someone tell me its WORTH it?!

Tips for protecting your marriage

2009-01-11T13:14:00.000-08:00

The last few months have been amazing for my dh and I. The 6 months or so preceeding, were pretty awful. We have always had a pretty good marriage. We laugh together, we joke a lot, we work as a team pretty well. But i have to tell you, it takes very very little to GRADUALLY start things down the wrong path. Husbands and wives have very different but very important needs, and when one is neglected, it can turn into a slippery slope that has the potential to end up someplace you never dreamed it could.

1. Respect your role. Wives, be submissive to your husbands, Husbands, love your wives like Christ loved the church. Wives, even if you have a valid concern and even if your husband is quite obviously WRONG, guard against the instinct you will have to fight against him. It just can't go anywhere good. NOT only will you LOSE the argument at hand, if you make wrong choices, and behave badly, then you will not only LOSE the argument, you will also trash your marriage. Take your concerns to the Lord, HE is the only one who really truly understands you and HE is the ONLY one you can trust WHOLLY.

2. Take time together. Relationships require SO much time, love and attention... Think of how you feel toward an old friend you haven't talked to in ages who has changed a lot. You don't know them anymore! Don't make that mistake with your marriage! KNOW your spouse, take every opportunity to sit and talk together about meaningful things! Make date nights a priority, maybe get up early and eat breakfast together, or stay up late and pray together before bed. Don't neglect the physical aspect of your relationship. A GREAT sexual relationship does WONDERS for building up other aspects of your relationship.

3. Do NOT put your children first in priority. This is so hard. Falling in love with your children is inevitable and wonderful. Its so crucial to remain attached at parent your children in such a way that they know they are loved and valued. But that can be done without being at the expense of your spouse! He needs you too! And someday it will just be the two of you (HOPEFULLY!) You want to be able to talk, and relate and be friends with each other.

4. GUARD your heart. I know, you probably think you would NEVER cheat on your spouse. Believe me, I did too. And i didn't physically, but i DID emotionally.
And let me tell you, there is NO difference. It is just as devastating to your family regardless. KNOW yourself well enough to know your triggers, know your weakness. I always assumed that because i didn't have lust issues, IE. look at a good looking guy and feel lustful, that i was not even a candidate for this. What i didn't realize is that my personality is such that i am drawn to personality. I was drawn to a regular looking guy, because he was compassionate and kind, and giving. I, being a compassionate nurturing, interpersonal type person, was eager to be there for a male friend who seemed lonely. BAD idea. Watch out for friendships with the opposite gender. Its playing with fire. Its NOT worth your marriage. And you know what else? It's NOT worth the damage to your own psyche that ensues either. I think as married people, we tend to forget what getting your heart broken feels like. But "I" can't forget. Because its so fresh and so raw, STILL, months later. And being such a complicated situation, on soooooo many levels, its THAT much worse than when you are still a kid.

5. If you discover you have NOT guarded your heart well, and something happens, STOP it. WHATEVER is going on, no matter how small, if it feels wrong to you, it absolutely is. Don't doubt yourself, don't continue the path you are traveling, do whatever you can to break ties with the person with whom you have an inappropriate relationship. Do NOT give in to thoughts that lead you to believe you could have a future with this person. You will NOT. A teeny tiny percentage of remarraiges based on affairs succeed. That's because when one person leaves their spouse for another, its seldom because they are TRULY incompatible. Usually you have a wound in yourself that needs to be healed, you can't fix that by seeking to be filled by another person. Come clean to your spouse, allow him to help you decide how to best handle the situation. Ask him to please be your covering, to be your protection in every way. To help you guard your heart, to help you prevent yourself from being in wrong situations, to love you and cherish you and help you to know you are loved. If his covering over you is strong, you can withstand SO much.

Finally, keep in the forefront of your mind that your marriage is far more than a contract. It is a covenant. It is intended to be strong and powerful and beautiful and eternal. If yours has become floppy and weak and flimsy, you need to strengthen it, NOT tear it down. If you ask God to help you, He WILL and you can take that floppy sad excuse for a thing, and turn it into something strong and proud and beautiful that will stand, and will reinforce you and your husband as you work to strengthen it, and build each other up in the process. But this can only happen if you have the humility to take whatever steps are needed. You can't be prideful and selfish and expect anything to change. SOMEONE has to be the one who gives MORE. It will never ever be a perfect 50/50 split. Why not you? When i was in that bad situation, earlier this year, i would constantly remind myself what a JERK dh was, what he was doing wrong, why HE was shooting himself in the foot and wrecking our marriage. But in the back of my mind i kept having this nagging feeling of "But aren't I the one who's supposed to help him when he's acting stupid? Aren't I the one who knows him BEST and can most effectively help him out of a rut? And i was totally right. I AM the one who is supposed to be there for him and recognize when things are not right for him, and be there to give him a hug and tell him I love him anyway. The thing is, there will always be struggles in life. And its US against the world, NOT me against him. I hope that anyone reading who is having issues might be able to apply the lessons I've learned in my life to avoid having to learn them personally.

ITS my BIRTHDAY WEEK!!!

2009-01-05T11:36:00.000-08:00

And i am GOING to have a good attitude about it!!!! Normally, my birthday is kind of a depressing time. I always end up thinking about my MOM, and that sucks. But THIS year i'm determined that NO one is stealing my joy, and that's that!! Andy is taking me out for dinner somewhere NICE on wednesday, which is LOGOS day, woohoo! so the kids will all be occupied except for Leif, who will just tag along and eat steak with us :-) here's my plans for the week...

Monday- getting back on track with school and we are doing an extra long day since tomorrow is MOPS and we will miss our whole morning schedule.

Tuesday- MOPS! WOOHOO! the highlight of my month, HOPING i'm not too sick to go, i Loooooooove MOPS!!!

Wednesday, my magical day of turning 33! Dinner with my love and my monkey

Thursday- Hm... that's awfully far into the week to know what i'm going to be doing by Monday! BUT i AM going to Starbucks in the evening for GIRLS NIGHT wooohoo!

Friday- Ditto, but regardless, it will be a good day because its FRIDAY!

NOW, i seem to recall this being a BUSY week, so i'm sure there's a ton i'm missing, but that's ok!

NEXT week is what i'm REALLY psyched about. I'm going to a seminar Monday night with Amy! WOOOHOO! girl time!!! And its a Lorrie Flem seminar! I attended the one she offered in November, which was AWESOME. I find her enthusiasm about homemaking and mothering to be infective, and it goes without saying that I REALLY could use a good positive infection right now. The last seminar was so much fun, it was like a retreat from everyday "blah" and I left feeling like i really COULD do this momentous job that has been placed in front of me. Now, being a true blue procrastinator, i STILL haven't implemented my new TO DO notebook idea, but I
WILL... someday. :-) So anyway, She has free goodie bags if you are among the first to register and last time they served the most decadent BROWNIES... yumm.. and she has a few tables set up so you can see her products in person, which I certainly appreciate! AND it is all completely FREE!!! Like truly, absolutely free, which is amazing! here's a link if you are in the seattle area http://www.teachersbookshoppe.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=117&products_id=820

FIREPROOF

2009-01-01T21:23:00.001-08:00

OH my gosh, if you have NOT seen this movie, you have GOT TO! I dont' say that often, but this is an absolute MUST SEE! I am almost a little offended that they would make a movie of my story without even telling me (wink) but i'll get over it... Seriously, i could relate SO MUCH to this film it was truly scary. I Think it was really thereputic for dh and I to see it because it really showed what was going on with me, since our latest issues tended to manifest themselves mostly with me being the wrong-doer. We have been on the mend for 2 and a half months now, and things are going well, but its been a long, hard road. Its still really hard for me to see what is TRUE, when so much has been turned upside down in my life, sometimes its hard to know who your real friends are. Sigh... anyway, even if you do NOT have marraige issues, TRUST Me, see this movie!!!!!

Week 8- in all its glory!

2008-12-30T12:06:00.000-08:00

I say semi sarcastically... this is the roughest preggo time for me, i'm SICK. I started taking b6/unisom to help me to NOT throw up all the time. It has helped quite a bit. I've gone from requiring ER hydration to just being constantly queasy which is a definate improvement. I was really starting to get discouraged. Its amazing how your health going south can affect a person psychologically. Anyway, here's what's going on with the baby right now!

The embryo is reactive to its environment inside the amniotic sac where it swims and moves. Hands and feet can be seen. At the end of week 8, the embryonic period is over and the fetal stage begins.

this is again from the wpclinic.org website. Here's a picture. Notice the profound differences from LAST WEEK!

Week 7

2008-12-30T12:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, i admit, i'm a week behind! i'm actually on week 8 now but the info about week 7 was remarkable enough that i figured i'd just make 2 consecutive posts. here's the blurb about what's goign on with the baby at week 7. This is from wpclinic.org

Major organs have all begun to form. The embryo has developed its own blood type, unique from the mother’s. Hair follicles and nipples form and knees and elbows are visible. Facial features are also observable. The eyes have a retina and lens. The major muscle system is developed and the embryo is able to move.

Click for a closer view... isn't that remarkable? I just think this whole process is amazing. And i'll be able to enjoy it MUCH more when i'm not constantly SICK! Though i do admit, its been a bit easier to find time with the LORD when the only thing i CAN do is PRAY! :-) This is not an entirely bad thing!! Ok, off to post the next week..

facebook

2008-12-20T11:58:00.000-08:00

do you all have facebook?? if not, join! and find me, and buddy me! its a great way to waste time, plus you can connect with friends from high school, college, workplaces, its neat! I've been hanging out there a lot when i'm too sick to do anything but stare at a screen :-) i'll keep posting baby updates here though!

I take it back!

2008-12-18T17:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, so i take back that statement i made a while ago about it being easy being preggo with such good kids. UGG my place has been a MADHOUSE!! It doesn't help that i've been really really SICK! both preggo sick, and funky stomach sick and coughing sick, just all around miserable. and i totally do NOT have the CHUTZPA to make it all happen right now! i'm so hoping its mostly the external sick and not preggo sick! The kiddos are grating on me and i wish i could just get a babysitter every afternoon :-D also i'm hoping since dad went home that might help.. LOTS of stress, lots of emotional stuff.. and now the snow! worrying about andy being out in it all day doesn't help. At least i got to stay home today! Still trying to stay prayerful and focused on the task at hand, whichever one that happens to be.

a poem

2008-12-17T13:55:00.001-08:00

I saw this poem online and it really touched me. While we are only having our 6th, this so rang true for us. I included the link at the bottom for if you want to visit the site.

Seventh
by: Jennifer Wilson

I know I'm number seven,
but the fact you can't deny
is that God, Almighty Giver,
is the Author of my life.

My soul is no less special,
and my spirit no less great
than those that came before me--
be they one, or six, or eight!

So many eyes are blinded
by the whispers of this world--
to them, there is no miracle
in a human life unfurled.

A baby's just a plaything,
a burden, or a chore,
and we must proceed with caution
to prevent too many more!

Only a fool would trust the Lord
to give as He desires
and live a life of trust in Him...
whatever that requires.

A new car may be exciting;
a new house may be a prize,
but my new life is better
than any thing that money buys.

So all the world may roll their eyes
when seven now they see--
But I can't wait until I meet
the "fools" who welcome me.

http://www.lotsofkids.com/LOK-Features/seventh/seventh-poem.htm

ok....

2008-12-17T13:02:00.000-08:00

Momentary lapse of judgement... its all good, i was reminded by my bf (in list form, which is so visually appealing to me!!) about what is important now and what i need to be doing and i'm going to do it.

I just lost sight of the whole point. Life isn't necessarily supposed to be easy. And let's face it, there's a LOT of people out there who have it a LOT harder than I do! And do i want to be an angry, bitter, resentful person?? HECK NO! I know that person and i do NOT want to be her. Its so easy to use anger as a cop out. And i guess coming from the background that i came from, finding a defense mechanism is first reaction. But i'm not that person anymore... prayer needs to be first reaction. So that's the primary thing i'm working on now, in addition to making my home a welcoming lovely place to be. NOT easy right now.

Oh well... please pray for me if you are reading this. Sometimes i really wonder if i have what it takes for this life.
Rebecca

UGG.

2008-12-16T15:05:00.001-08:00

Boy, am i having a crap week! finding out i was pregnant necessitated going off a medication i was on, and really super fast too, and specifically, the going off of that medication results in neurological side effects, weird head buzzing, dizziness.. well, i've had that, and hallucinations on the worst day, which was about 10 days ago. But now i'm off it completely, only slightly dizzy and only the usual preggo symptoms, which for me is horrendous nausea, coupled with this cold i have, is a real pain in the rear. I cough like there's no tomorrow, which initiates the gag reflex... sigh... i'm a mess. Plus, with my head being clearer, i've had more opportunity to think about a situation in my life that won't go AWAY, and that sucks, and to top it off, my dad is visiting, which is a whole nother category of stress. So i'm about at the limit. I'm angry and sick and realy feeling like an IDIOT. I'm not saying the specifics, but there's a situation in my life that for the last couple months has eaten away at me. you'd think that a person who's been hurt by others as much as I have, would have learned to be suspicious and NOT trust others but i'm the OPPOSITE. WHY???? Honestly, i'm trying really hard not to be negative, but for crying out loud, how many times do i have to be SOLD OUT to get that i am a sucky judge of character. Men are the WORST. Men are HORRIBLE. i'm staying way the heck clear of the bastards. Except for family. And so, here i am, trying to move on, and every week, like clockwork, its smeared right in my face. And i'm EXHAUSTED from being SO angry. But i HAVE to be angry. its the ONLY way i can possibly deal with it. i guess, maybe someday, something will change and i'll be able to find some kind of normalcy. Because leaving the situation is not a possibility, and i'm working VERY hard to not be angry about that. Because if i had MY way, we would be moving on. BUT as its been pointed out to me, i am not the center of the universe, and my needs come DEAD LAST. So life really really sucks right now. I know i just need to get distracted, to concentrate on the miracle that is growing inside of me. To be a good wife and mother, to exercise when i dont feel like it and to eat my vegetables. That's the point of being a Christian, right? to focus on others needs ahead of your own? WHY can SO many other Christians GET there and here i am STUCK. sigh... who knows... i need a nap. i seriously need to kick the nausea because we are going out for GREEK PIZZA BUFFET tonight! WOOOHOO and i need to be able to eat something!!

a fun personality test

2008-12-08T21:55:00.000-08:00

give it a try, its fun :-)

My baby

2008-12-08T13:08:00.000-08:00

i found this amazing picture online that i had to share!

This is a picture of 4 weeks, and as of tomorrow, i'm actually 5 weeks but there was not picture on the website that i found this one on, until 7 weeks.

This is so exciting.. .Morning sickness has hit with a VENGEANCE! its really hard to take my antibiotics for the sinus infection i have, so i'm trying to just get through the 3 more days! But i will, and i'm grateful for the sign of a healthy baby!

I found a great blog with some useful info http://www.averynearlytea.com/2006/09/pregnant-and-homeschooling.html?showComment=1158815700000 she posted an article there about legumes making morning sickness go away, so i'm beaning it up, starting NOW! we'll see how that works!

something amazing....

2008-12-02T16:48:00.000-08:00

So if you aren't within rooftop shouting range, you may not have heard, that we are PREGNANT!!!!!! i found out yesterday... i'm due Aug 11, REALLY hoping for a
girl. I'd forgotten what a handfull little boys are, but a boy would actually be
really cool too because Leify is such a MAN's MAN, that he'd have WAY more fun
with a boy.. and true to form, everyone is THRILLED except Leif, who won't even
entertain the idea of a baby other than him :-D

You so should have BEEN at the
dinner table when we announced it.... it was too funny, i was dropping hints...
i was like, tonight we brought home a pizza and i thought we'd stay up late to
celebrate! No one bit... then i was like, "I think we'll watch the movie "9
months" (WHICH by the way, if you don't remember is really NOT suitable for a
family audience in a lot of ways! eek!) and still nothing... and i was
like... anyone know what we are celebrating/?? and alex was like... uh... when
you found out you were pregnant with Leif?? and andy
and i LAUGHED, and i was like, close, but not quite... and he said, "when you found out you were
pregnant with ANNA? and we LAUGHED! finally Andy was like... how about when we
found out we were pregnant with a baby who's not yet born and doesn't have a
name??!!! it took them a while and then Alex screamed, "YOU'RE PREGNANT??!!! and
they all started SCREAMING! must have been a sight... SO wishing i videotaped
that!!!! and i have to tell you, my oldest two are already BABY'ING me, this is
going to be SO AWESOME! "Can i get you some water, mom? Let me take that
garbage out for you mom! LOL!!!!!!

My kids have been trying to knock me up for AGES! they have totally felt like it was time for a new baby to join our family. I was starting to wonder too if i was getting OLD or something... You see, we don't use birth control. I extended breastfeed all of my children, except alex, young and immature, blech! and the blessings of that are just amazing. Not the least of which is the delay in the onset of menses, which is AWESOME! I LOVE children, I completely think that children are a blessing and don't for one minute begrudge having them, but at the same time, i would NOT be a good mother having a child every year... its just me... and God KNOWS that, He KNOWS what i can handle and what i can't! Its amazing...

So having known i was pregnant for almost 2 whole days now, and having gone to MOPS and to the dr. (had a sinus infection AND had to figure out a way to get off my crazy pills quick without getting too bad of symptoms of going off the meds) and went to get a formal test at the lab, and so forth and so on, i'm already starting to get "THE COMMENT" it starts like this-

Them- You are pregnant! Congratulations! is it your first?

ME- No! its my 6th!

Them- Wow, that's crazy, 6 kids??!! how do you handle having so many, are you crazy? did you MEAN to do THAT? yadda yadda yadda....

Now, i know its a curiosity. The idea of allowing oneself to get pregnant 6 times is entirely foreign to our culture. HECK, i was there once too. A good friend of mine (THANK you SARAH!) really impressed on me a few years back, how i was approaching the whole birth control issue in the wrong way.

You see, i was buying into the common cultural viewpoint that children are a curse, that they are a burden, a waste of time, a hindrance to a career, a taker of resources, sanity, etc. However, Sarah showed me how GOD does NOT view children in the same way. In the Bible, children are NOT considered anything less than a gift. They were never given as a curse, they functioned as an ASSET, not a liablity. Now i guess, in our culture of excess, many people feel that children must have all this STUFF and that would indeed make them expensive. Andy and i have learned that to give up the opportunity for our own acquisition of STUFF has been so valuable a lesson to us. The fact is, the Lord DOES bless us financially, whenever we really have a NEED, He makes it happen, and sometimes there's even some fluff left over for fun, or specific fluff gifts. Through the years, as we've grown in maturity, frugality skills and increased income, we have become MUCH more able to handle our finances than when we even had ONE child. Of course now, we are in a tight spot, having had a few events transpire that really set us back, thousands of dollars of van repairs, alex's tonsils out, etc. and we are SCRIMPING till tax return time, which will exist solely to pay off CREDIT cards and bills. not our usual partial fun money, but the point is, we are so much more capable and better off NOW with more children. Its the classic paradox of when you follow God, He blesses you.

WE now do not see any real need to prevent children from coming to our family, if God opens my womb, though we had a struggle with my depression issues. I'm on a heavy duty antidepressant that i can't take early in pregnancy. But i know that God will provide. Hopefully among that which he provides will be patience and kindness to the "telling the family" moments... sigh... some of andy's family and all of mine will NOT be happy at all to hear our good news. That is our biggest struggle when it comes to pregnancy. They just don't understand us. How can you explain how you feel from this kind of worldview to those who buy hook line and sinker a worldly view that is the polar opposite of ours? Ah well... Cie La Vie...

later...
The preggo :-D

TODAY

2008-11-23T14:36:00.000-08:00

Today something cool happened! we went to church today, which was wretched... church has been rough for a variety of reasons, and then we went to costco, at which point i was in a FLAMING bad mood and had to deal with costco on top of it.. so we got the most basic of groceries... Budget is IMPOSSIBLE, but decided, that's IT screw the impossible budget, i'm buying groceries! ugg.. anyway, so we got hotdogs afterward at the lunch place there, and while we were eating an elderly lady came up to me and was like "I knew you were Christian even before your family prayed... you are so kind to your children and they are so well behaved. You really stand out and people around you are watching, and you are influencing them." I was just flabbergasted... WHAT a gift, and how i needed that kind of encouragement today!!! Totally a God thing, i must say. Its great that even when everything is completely in the pits, God will send a message that He's still there.
_________________
Rebecca

BRAAAAAGGGG!!!!!!!

2008-11-19T20:45:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOSH! ok, so i normally save this kind of thing for my art blog, but i just had to brag all over the place about this one!!!!!

I participated in an online crop last weekend, and one of the challenges was a contest sponsored by several scrappy companies It was merit-based and there was lots of entries... and... and... and...

And I WON!!!! here's the blurb

has teamed up with EK Success this weekend to help celebrate their Crop Scene Investigation Celebration. What we have for you is one HUMONGOUS Grand Prize, $100 worth of products from EK, K&Coand Inkadinkado!

We had some fantastic entries for this contest! I sure hope everyone takes a peek at the layouts and leaves a little praise too. The CT knocked their heads together to vote on their favorite layouts......

and the grand prize winner of the $100 prize pack is.... mamakven

MOPS

2008-11-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

Did i mention i LOVE mops??? oh my gosh, things totally have been looking up since my last post... first, i drove to mops, and it was so calm and peaceful out... i've really come to love a calm gray sky! and oak leaves scattered all over the ground cascading over cars... man, i love FALL! So then i got to MOPS and we did a craft and that was really fun, and we had the most awesome breakfast! i so need more protien in my breakfasts!!! and then we won a contest at our table and what did we win??? YEP, you guessed it, CHOCOLATE!! AAAAKKK! but i'm being very good, its in my bag and i'm going to wrap it all pretty like and give it to andy when he gets home and ask him to please not eat it in front of me, LOL! I just feel so renewed and refreshed, and excited about the rest of the day. Its nice getting out of the house once in a while!
i should think of something cool to surprise andy with when he gets home... hmmm... any ideas?

ok..

2008-11-18T07:47:00.001-08:00

So i had a glorious walk today... wow, nothing quite compares to getting out there, getting sweaty and then taking a fabulous cool shower... ahhh....

But again, walking provokes thinking... and the fact is, my heart is broken. PERIOD. i've not gotten over it... i have a fabulous dh who is willing to hold me at night while i cry and cry, which helps... WOW, does it ever, but i am still a very fractured person. And i don't want to be that way. Every fiber of my being is screaming RUN. LEAVE, don't come back. But i can't. We are stuck here... and i'm stuck in a situation that is really rough. And i so wish i could escape. And WHY did i think nixing CHOCOLATE was a good idea?????? There just comes a point where you just have to GET OVER IT. Its not like i'm a stranger to betrayal. So right now, i'm using God's word to fight back, and i'm clarifying in my own mind WHO it is that i'm fighting against, because who i WANT to fight is just another frail broken person. And that's not my enemy. I still wish we could move. Deep breath.... this too will pass...

Still haven't heard anything about my sister.... i wish someone would call me. I wonder if its public record yet...

Tweet Tweet!!

2008-11-17T22:18:00.000-08:00

Ok, so i just joined twitter.... https://twitter.com/mamakven so all you becca groupies can come follow me there Ha!! LOL. I still wonder if anyone actually reads this blog, or if i'm just carrying on an intriguing conversation with myself, which would be not much different from the auditory conversation i carry on with myself daily, since i'm a strangely visual AND auditory person... i'm the one you see in the grocery store contemplating out loud whether i want butterscotch or banana pudding :p But at the same time i communicate better with the written word than verbally. Particularily if there's some kind of emotional investment on my part or something that's a passion of mine, i just sort of gum up and say something stupid, when in reality i'm a pretty darn good communicator, just not so much verbally! Except when debating... i think i'm the only person on the face of the earth that would love to go back to high school. Ok, not entirely but i LOVE LOVE LOVED being a debater. What power! I could kick some serious @ss and it was AWESOME! Real life has very little power. Ah well. Anyway, if you read this and have twitter, or need another way to waste time on the internet, come find me!!

Chocolate, ET AL.

2008-11-17T11:45:00.000-08:00

I don't think i mentined that i'm giving up chocolate! Not chocolate in its entirety, i'm still having my morning mocha, and chocolate peanut butter ice cream. I mean you can't drop EVERYTHING awesome all at once, right?? But my chocolate tupperware thing i keep in my scrappy area that's been filled with halloween candy has been depleted, The kids halloween candy is depleted too, LOL so that helps. Basically i need to lose weight. I'm having MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR self image issues right now which is WEIRD because this hasn't been an issue for me since high school. Something happened which effectively knocked me down a few pegs, and my fabulous new mentor Stacy things i could really use some successes. I agree. So step one, giving up my chocolate. Whatever isn't a help is a hindrance, and as much as i love reeses, they are NOT a help. Also i'm trying to get back on track exercising. its been rough because i've been sick repeatedly, and sick is my major excuse for not getting up at 530 and exercising! but i'm on the mend and hopefully tomorrow will be the day! I REALLY want to start losing weight and more importantly getting healthy because i could get pregnant at any time basically, and when i DO get pregnant, i'm a vomiting bundle of gross and really can't function well, and my muscles tend to atrophy, and i lose weight, but not good weight, muscle weight, and it is a LOT of work to give birth, I thought i was going to DIE when i had Leif, i was so exhausted. And i want to prevent that happening again. So anyway, cheer me on!! excercise is NOT my forte!! i'll enjoy getting back into my Cindy seminars though!!!

One more thing. Can I ask for your prayers? today 2 major things are happening.. my grandmother is getting a much needed surgery, and she's old and frail even though she's tough as nails :-) and My sister has her drunk driving hearing which in all likelyhood is going to go very badly for her. I just request that you all pray for God's will in each of these events and that regardless of what happens may it glorify God and promote healing for each of these special women in my life.

Thank you!!
Rebecca

Baruch Hashem

2008-11-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

My dad called tonight and gleefully asked me if i remembered what "Baruch Hashem" means. I replied... Hmm... not exactly... and he quickly quipped "Praise be His name" His mood had drastically improved since yesterday when i talked to him. We are currently very close. This is not always the case. Usually, it is more like we are quite distant, even hostile. But right now things are good. He mentioned Baruch Hashem, because things had improved drastically for him and his business, and he was letting me know that he would be able to loan me some money next month for my impending potential ROOT CANALS! AAAAAAK!!! that's a whole nother story. But it occurred to me that Yes, BARUCH HASHEM! I may have a nasty case of the flu, be getting over a massive rejection and layers upon layers of humiliation resulting from that... money might be impossibly tight, I might be having a really bad hair day and smell kind of "OFF" and i might be drifting in and out of deep depression, but regardless of what the day brings, BARUCH HASHEM! Because somehow, i know that the Lord is going to make miracles happen for me. I'm exhausted and beat down and lonely and sad, but BARUCH HASHEM!!! Because tomorrow is another day and HE is right there with me, trudging through the muck.

Love Multiplies!

Thanksgiving ramblings

To write love on her arms day!

some of my bookmarks

Things...

Aching, wrenching pain.

too much

It is what it is

What was i thinking??

Day 2!

Wow....

Today

stuff

Today

Dealing...

My list-

a review: Timberdoodle graphic novels.

Day-cation

SLACKER!!!

Fun times!!

Sick little twinnies....

stuff...

Slow fade

how things are going

new plan of attack.

today

today

the latest...

My quest for a new life!

Today

update

Elliott's birth page

2 weeks old and one day

a pictorial birth story

babies!!!

No babies on monday.

back!

Today's appointment

My choices

35 week appointment

34 week appt.

What a night!

a day in the life....

33 week update

32 weeks!

Homeschooling with lots of babies!

31 week appointment!

Another update!!

Today's appointment- 30 weeks

Fetal development update

29 week belly pic!

UPPING the Ante on the UHSE!

Ultimate homeschool Expo! wooohoo!!!

Do you use Apologia Botany or Astronomy?

a great marriage building blog

26 weeks, 2 days!

Scrapbook mystery boxes for sale!!

24 week appointment

near death experience.

Decluttering sucess!!!

My appt today

Family of origin issues.

What's new

The last week's insanity

how i'm doing

My ultrasound!

forgiveness

Life and death

FREE- Jonathan Park Volume 1!!!

Affairs

a song

a vent.

a REALLY cool giveaway!

Dr. Who

Graham family ministries

Lord of the rings? Witchcraft?

Confused

Week 9-12

I **HATE** EBOOKS!!!

one of THOSE days...

I HATE EBOOKS!!!