So I was thinking the past few days... never around a computer, YIKES, i should go delete that last post, and pretty much decided to do so, but then i thought, NO. Because the PURPOSE of this blog, one of them anyway, i also really appreciate the opportunity to unload, but the primary purpose of this blog is to share how God is working in my life, and God works in my life in ways that are not only positive but are negative, and scary and sad, and wrong. I don't mean that God's work is this way but the events in my life and the feelings they provoke. I think that is what makes my life so much of an amazing testimony to the power of God, that i AM so imperfect and prone to making mistakes! i have NO problem putting that out there, becuase its not ME that deserves the praise. I SO often get comments, well, bazillions of them in every possible type, but one thing i get a lot is "wow... you must be so.. (insert adjective here- Patient, etc.) and my reply is that NO! you can tell how much God is working on me by virtue of the fact that he gave me 7 children!! Its crucial that I, and YOU and everyone, maintains a right view of what is going on in your life. Triumphs are due to GOD ALONE. I can say definitively that it is NOT I that has caused success in my life. I didn't even KNOW what success looked like! i THOUGHT success was being a high powered attorney. God has given me the gift of being a good communicator. I'm good at articulating my thoughts, particularily in writing, and in arguing, picking out logical fallacies, etc, and being a lawyer SEEMED like the right course of action for a future career, but God quickly showed me otherwise- (Andy and Alex) And since then, its become clear to me that my skills are WELL utilized by being a mom, teacher and manager of our home. I think people seem to think that only stupid people would stay home and raise their children. I think that's why so many people consider raising children to be an afterthought.
Ie. "what do you do?"
"OH, i'm a bank teller"
Now, logically, this person would have MUCH greater impact in her mothering than as a bank teller, (no offense to bank teller's intended!) but women still tend to identify themselves with their PAID job, not their most IMPORTANT job. Anyway, while my job may not pay very well now, the payoff of 7 well balanced Christ centered, law abiding adults will be HUGE! (and i fully expect a WHOLE LOTTA GRANDCHILDREN! woohoo!)
So now i must go, and i didn't even GET to my original planned typing- wanted to talk about church today. But that will have to wait till later because i can't spend all afternoon on the computer and i haven't even checked my email! whew, busy sunday!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Slow fade
I saw this video on facebook and it blew me away.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-8SYA6rfbs
Watch it- its worth your 5 minutes. It was really close to home for me because i've been there. Except it wasn't dh, it was me.
If you've been reading my blog for awhile, there's a time period about a year ago when i completely fell apart. My life was crumbling, and it wasn't a good time to talk about it, but i'm ready now. I'm sharing my story because if you don't think it could happen to you, you are WRONG. It could happen to anyone, and i know this, because it happened to me. That's not to say that i have delusions of being this perfect person, i DON'T! However, i DO strive to serve the Lord in all that i do. I've made that choice to sacrifice MY will to being a servant to others and to God, and i take that VERY seriously. And i can testify to the fact that this can happen to ANYONE.
Our family was close to another family we knew and had a lot in common with. We did so much together, we had so much in common and became quick friends. It wasn't long before things started to change. My relationship with Andy started to deteriorate. He was going through things in his life that were hard and instead of realizing he was having depressive issues and needed help, i took his coldness and distance personally and thought it was about me. At the same time, the male person in the couple we'd become close friends with was validating me, and we talked a lot and developed a close friendship. We talked about our marriage issues (um, WRONG!! alarm bell should have been sounding big time here!!) I didn't realize at that time that you can NOT be close friends with a member of the opposite sex when you are married, you just can't.
I started to really look forward to his phone calls, and that was my first clue that something was WRONG, but i ignored it. Truth be told, i LIKED it and didn't really want things to change. Teresa was there for me the whole time, and from the time i called her and told her the unspeakable, she was there replacing my irrational thoughts with TRUTH. She was one of the people i credit with saving my life, literally, because when it all came out, i was NOT interested in life much at all.
I knew that i had to make a choice one way or another because no matter how cruddy i thought Andy was at this point, he sure did deserve better than this. So i told him. At that point he was watching me like a hawk, understandably, and things just got worse and worse. Everything came to a head on our 14th anniversary, when andy showed up home early from work with a dozen roses, a starbucks and a beautiful card. at this point i realized- this man LOVES ME. And you know what? i love him too! we have 5 beautiful children together, we can work this out. And i told him i was willing to surrender my life to him and completely end whatever twisted relationship i had going on with this other guy. We went for a LONG walk and talked and talked. And that further cemented my choice.
That afternoon, i met with the other guy, and the unspoken became spoken and i told him that i had strong feelings for him but i needed to choose my family. The fact is that when you have 2 spouses and 8 children between two couples, you just don't have the luxury of being able to make whatever choice you want, because it ISN'T all about you anymore!! It was weird- really really WEIRD, and that sucked. And what sucked more, is that he immediately told his wife. and that REALLY REALLY sucked because it turned my whole life into one awkward mess. We were a LOT of places at the same time, and it had become one mess of weirdness. I finally told a mutual friend, that i REALLY thought was going to hate my guts when i told her the truth, and she was THERE for me every step of the way she was so sensitive and kind, and loving. She is what a true Christian is, loving in the face of sin.
So then i ended up going to MOPS which was a whole nother God-thing, but i don't have long to type so i'll keep it short, and i was placed at my friend Stacy's table. She immediately struck me as someone who knew what she was talking about i could tell immediately that she was a believer. Our table went out on mom's nights and eventually i told the ladies at my table what happened, and Stacy in particular, since she often gave me rides places. I was a MESS. I had pretty much given up on life and felt overwhelmingly like a complete failure. I felt unforgivable, unlovable, betrayed, angry, just a litany of destructive emotions. Stacy spoke TRUTH to me and managed to convince me that i was NOT unforgivable, that none of what i'd told myself repeatedly was true and that God had a purpose for even all this, that SOME day i could use all that to glorify HIM. WOW, what a breath of fresh air, and truth be told, it took me a while to absorb and believe it. Really, lots of others had tried to tell me the same things, but my thoughts focused only on those telling me that i was rotten. It was hard to hear that i was simply a person who made a MISTAKE.
There's still aftermath to all that going down. I got pregnant a month later (surprise! and then a few months later found it it was TWINS! (DOUBLE surprise!) and so our life has again shifted into the realm of the insane unknown but what has changed is my attitude. I KNOW now that God is with me, I thank him every day for providing those people that helped me through this time period and acknowledge HIM as the one who provided those gems and kept me alive when i very much didn't want to be, and as being the one who out of the mess of my marriage created not one but TWO immortal souls. WOW! I have been trying to apologize for a while to the woman who's husband i coveted and its not going well, but i suppose i'll keep trying, and keep in perspective how I'D feel, were the tables turned. I'm just trying to do the right thing, and its still really hard because the negative thoughts still come up, and i have to remind myself WHO i am. Its a struggle, but i'm pressing on. And Stacy was right, this CAN and WILL be used to as a testimony of what our God can do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-8SYA6rfbs
Watch it- its worth your 5 minutes. It was really close to home for me because i've been there. Except it wasn't dh, it was me.
If you've been reading my blog for awhile, there's a time period about a year ago when i completely fell apart. My life was crumbling, and it wasn't a good time to talk about it, but i'm ready now. I'm sharing my story because if you don't think it could happen to you, you are WRONG. It could happen to anyone, and i know this, because it happened to me. That's not to say that i have delusions of being this perfect person, i DON'T! However, i DO strive to serve the Lord in all that i do. I've made that choice to sacrifice MY will to being a servant to others and to God, and i take that VERY seriously. And i can testify to the fact that this can happen to ANYONE.
Our family was close to another family we knew and had a lot in common with. We did so much together, we had so much in common and became quick friends. It wasn't long before things started to change. My relationship with Andy started to deteriorate. He was going through things in his life that were hard and instead of realizing he was having depressive issues and needed help, i took his coldness and distance personally and thought it was about me. At the same time, the male person in the couple we'd become close friends with was validating me, and we talked a lot and developed a close friendship. We talked about our marriage issues (um, WRONG!! alarm bell should have been sounding big time here!!) I didn't realize at that time that you can NOT be close friends with a member of the opposite sex when you are married, you just can't.
I started to really look forward to his phone calls, and that was my first clue that something was WRONG, but i ignored it. Truth be told, i LIKED it and didn't really want things to change. Teresa was there for me the whole time, and from the time i called her and told her the unspeakable, she was there replacing my irrational thoughts with TRUTH. She was one of the people i credit with saving my life, literally, because when it all came out, i was NOT interested in life much at all.
I knew that i had to make a choice one way or another because no matter how cruddy i thought Andy was at this point, he sure did deserve better than this. So i told him. At that point he was watching me like a hawk, understandably, and things just got worse and worse. Everything came to a head on our 14th anniversary, when andy showed up home early from work with a dozen roses, a starbucks and a beautiful card. at this point i realized- this man LOVES ME. And you know what? i love him too! we have 5 beautiful children together, we can work this out. And i told him i was willing to surrender my life to him and completely end whatever twisted relationship i had going on with this other guy. We went for a LONG walk and talked and talked. And that further cemented my choice.
That afternoon, i met with the other guy, and the unspoken became spoken and i told him that i had strong feelings for him but i needed to choose my family. The fact is that when you have 2 spouses and 8 children between two couples, you just don't have the luxury of being able to make whatever choice you want, because it ISN'T all about you anymore!! It was weird- really really WEIRD, and that sucked. And what sucked more, is that he immediately told his wife. and that REALLY REALLY sucked because it turned my whole life into one awkward mess. We were a LOT of places at the same time, and it had become one mess of weirdness. I finally told a mutual friend, that i REALLY thought was going to hate my guts when i told her the truth, and she was THERE for me every step of the way she was so sensitive and kind, and loving. She is what a true Christian is, loving in the face of sin.
So then i ended up going to MOPS which was a whole nother God-thing, but i don't have long to type so i'll keep it short, and i was placed at my friend Stacy's table. She immediately struck me as someone who knew what she was talking about i could tell immediately that she was a believer. Our table went out on mom's nights and eventually i told the ladies at my table what happened, and Stacy in particular, since she often gave me rides places. I was a MESS. I had pretty much given up on life and felt overwhelmingly like a complete failure. I felt unforgivable, unlovable, betrayed, angry, just a litany of destructive emotions. Stacy spoke TRUTH to me and managed to convince me that i was NOT unforgivable, that none of what i'd told myself repeatedly was true and that God had a purpose for even all this, that SOME day i could use all that to glorify HIM. WOW, what a breath of fresh air, and truth be told, it took me a while to absorb and believe it. Really, lots of others had tried to tell me the same things, but my thoughts focused only on those telling me that i was rotten. It was hard to hear that i was simply a person who made a MISTAKE.
There's still aftermath to all that going down. I got pregnant a month later (surprise! and then a few months later found it it was TWINS! (DOUBLE surprise!) and so our life has again shifted into the realm of the insane unknown but what has changed is my attitude. I KNOW now that God is with me, I thank him every day for providing those people that helped me through this time period and acknowledge HIM as the one who provided those gems and kept me alive when i very much didn't want to be, and as being the one who out of the mess of my marriage created not one but TWO immortal souls. WOW! I have been trying to apologize for a while to the woman who's husband i coveted and its not going well, but i suppose i'll keep trying, and keep in perspective how I'D feel, were the tables turned. I'm just trying to do the right thing, and its still really hard because the negative thoughts still come up, and i have to remind myself WHO i am. Its a struggle, but i'm pressing on. And Stacy was right, this CAN and WILL be used to as a testimony of what our God can do.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
how things are going
First, i need to point out my wonderfully brilliant son, Alex, helped to put together the super cute scrolling family icon thingy on the side of the page, after a tutorial posted by Lucy Chesna on facebook. Thanks Lucy! Thanks Alex! super cute! really had to crunch those little people in there, LOL, gotta love having a big family, its a bit like real life :-D
Ok, so anyway, things are going pretty well.. after gettin ga brief but nasty cold on monday, i took my cold calm all day and by yesterday was feeling much better. Today i'm pretty much back to normal but am still taking it easy. I think my new meds are working. Its been a week now and i'm not as absent minded, i'm not crying nearly as much and i'm not having the problem where i forget what i did 5 minutes prior. Seriously, i was really stressing out because i had to dump several bottles of formula because after doing the first scoop, i couldn't remember if i'd done 2 scoops or just 1. i also was having issues remembering if i'd taken my meds or not, so i'm glad that my new meds come on pages that you break one out, so i can do the math if i think i've forgotten. This PPD has been so weird! Anyway, i'm doing much better, and while i'm still really emotional i'm doing better. I'm taking the rest of the week off school and trying to get the house in order. Today the goal is decluttering. and scrapping. :-)
Ok, so anyway, things are going pretty well.. after gettin ga brief but nasty cold on monday, i took my cold calm all day and by yesterday was feeling much better. Today i'm pretty much back to normal but am still taking it easy. I think my new meds are working. Its been a week now and i'm not as absent minded, i'm not crying nearly as much and i'm not having the problem where i forget what i did 5 minutes prior. Seriously, i was really stressing out because i had to dump several bottles of formula because after doing the first scoop, i couldn't remember if i'd done 2 scoops or just 1. i also was having issues remembering if i'd taken my meds or not, so i'm glad that my new meds come on pages that you break one out, so i can do the math if i think i've forgotten. This PPD has been so weird! Anyway, i'm doing much better, and while i'm still really emotional i'm doing better. I'm taking the rest of the week off school and trying to get the house in order. Today the goal is decluttering. and scrapping. :-)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
new plan of attack.
Ok, so my old plan of trying to improve every aspect of my life simultaneously has completely crashed and burned, so I decided to take the rest of the week off from school and just focus on taking care of myself and the babies. I don't think andy is particularly pleased about that but its totally necessary. I need time for the new meds to start to work. And i'm prepared to do the same next week if necessary. I'm making sure i'm doing my walking every day, my Bible study every day, and everything else is frosting. Well, not entirely, i am keeping up with cooking, which is surprisingly easy not being on bedrest anymore, and am not loosening up on finances and bargain shopping because we can't afford to. Finances are also at crisis point so i'm dealing with crises and letting non crises go right now. I feel totally justified in that because our school year has so far gone BETTER than any other year, despite having 4 to teach, a 3yo human tornado, and newborn twins. So its all good, we'll just hold our 6 week schedule for next week and it will be fine. So anyway, i have a new plan and i'm feeling confident. OH and today walking, my side didn't hurt until 11 minutes in, unlike the usual 8 :-)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
today
my meds aren't working. So my dr. prescribed new ones. We shall see... i've been totally whacked out lately.. really super confused. I try to say one thing, and something else comes out. I don't know what the date is, even the month usually, and i'm having a really hard time reading people. I feel like i'm losing my mind. My dr. said it could either be the post partum depression itself or the meds i'm taking so i started on a different class of meds, the ones similar to effexor, which worked well last time, This one is called pristiq. Hoping it works, i'm really wonky lately. I'm going to try to chill out a little and not expect so much from myself, My strategy of turning my life around singlehandedly in one week isn't working so well, and i just feel like a failure at everything. Hoping today is a better day than yesterday, and tomorrow is a better day than today...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
today
i am very excited, I finished Numbers yesterday and will begin 1st Corinthians tomorrow, or monday. i'm doing a "read through the Bible" book, and started at genesis and acts concurrently, because really, after getting through the exodus segment, you really need a pick me up! LOL. But its going really well and the Lord has blessed me greatly. I totally think that's why i'm surviving this time in my life. Whenever i'm up in time Bible time comes first, even before walking, which i used to do first, to wake myself up more, but the symbolism got the better of me and now i do the Bible study first. So anyway, If you are not currently reading through the Bible, i highly recommend starting!! i'm using "Today's light Bible, a 2 year journey through the Bible" and really like it.
So what's up... the babies are sick. they have the flu and Asher is getting pink eye too :-( I hope i'm not getting it too, i woke up this morning and my eyes hurt and were red and watery. Of course its allergy season so they are ALWAYS red, watery and hurt, so we shall see! think i need to take Asher to the dr. today. I am very very bummed because we'd planned to have a new friend and her family over tonight. She's from the multiples group and is expecting TRIPLETS in the winter, and she already has 4 kids. We have a TON in common and i was really looking forward to this time of fellowship. But getting the flu could be deadly for her and since my kiddos are always glomming on the babies, chances are very good they'll be coming down with it in a few days and its not worth the risk to possibly infect Heather and/or her family.
So that's my sob story for the day. Its a pretty busy one. I'm up now with Elliott, who, strangely enough was the one nursing all night.. Asher slept really well. I'm noticing he's a "sleep a lot and be obscure" kind of sick kid, much like Alex, and not a whiny, "take care of me all the time" sick like Nikolas. Anyway, Andy is at Mens' breakfast at church and i'm getting ready to trade places with him, at 10 i've got L-Team training. I'm going to be hosting a scrapbooking L-Team at our church. Which i'm very much looking forward to.
That reminds me, i got into a scrapbooking fight with andy last night :-( haven't had one of those in a super long time... he thought i was ignoring him :-( i was just so darn babied out that i REALLY needed some creative time. I felt bad to make him feel neglected, but i was SO wiggin out.. and after I made a layout, i felt SO much better... sigh... i so wish i could balance it all better. Its really hard having 2 babies because they alternate schedules mostly, and there's always someone in my face! especially when they are sick, its very trying. :-(
OH and more good news!! Alex casually asked me last night if i thought we'd qualify now for Habitat for Humanity, and i was like, no, probably not, but i'll go check... Well, i did and we DO!! as long as utilities are factored into housing costs (that makes our housing costs above the 30% gross, though i think we'd still be over with just rent too) so HOPEFULLY, we'll go to an information session about that next saturday morning.
Well that's about it, and Nik is up, so i'm about to get my ear talked off :-) which is a good thing. I like that one :-) I hope whoever is reading this has a very blessed weekend.
So what's up... the babies are sick. they have the flu and Asher is getting pink eye too :-( I hope i'm not getting it too, i woke up this morning and my eyes hurt and were red and watery. Of course its allergy season so they are ALWAYS red, watery and hurt, so we shall see! think i need to take Asher to the dr. today. I am very very bummed because we'd planned to have a new friend and her family over tonight. She's from the multiples group and is expecting TRIPLETS in the winter, and she already has 4 kids. We have a TON in common and i was really looking forward to this time of fellowship. But getting the flu could be deadly for her and since my kiddos are always glomming on the babies, chances are very good they'll be coming down with it in a few days and its not worth the risk to possibly infect Heather and/or her family.
So that's my sob story for the day. Its a pretty busy one. I'm up now with Elliott, who, strangely enough was the one nursing all night.. Asher slept really well. I'm noticing he's a "sleep a lot and be obscure" kind of sick kid, much like Alex, and not a whiny, "take care of me all the time" sick like Nikolas. Anyway, Andy is at Mens' breakfast at church and i'm getting ready to trade places with him, at 10 i've got L-Team training. I'm going to be hosting a scrapbooking L-Team at our church. Which i'm very much looking forward to.
That reminds me, i got into a scrapbooking fight with andy last night :-( haven't had one of those in a super long time... he thought i was ignoring him :-( i was just so darn babied out that i REALLY needed some creative time. I felt bad to make him feel neglected, but i was SO wiggin out.. and after I made a layout, i felt SO much better... sigh... i so wish i could balance it all better. Its really hard having 2 babies because they alternate schedules mostly, and there's always someone in my face! especially when they are sick, its very trying. :-(
OH and more good news!! Alex casually asked me last night if i thought we'd qualify now for Habitat for Humanity, and i was like, no, probably not, but i'll go check... Well, i did and we DO!! as long as utilities are factored into housing costs (that makes our housing costs above the 30% gross, though i think we'd still be over with just rent too) so HOPEFULLY, we'll go to an information session about that next saturday morning.
Well that's about it, and Nik is up, so i'm about to get my ear talked off :-) which is a good thing. I like that one :-) I hope whoever is reading this has a very blessed weekend.
Monday, October 5, 2009
the latest...
Just posting a basic status update...
Things are going pretty well, not as well as i'd like but i'll take Heather's suggestion (thanks girl! you are AWESOME!) and praise the Lord for allowing me to progress as much as i have, even if its not where i WANT to be. i'd ask that anyone who is willing continue to pray for me. i'm having some relational issues, that i really cant' get into, and i think i might be having mood issues as well. Not sure the meds are working very well.
I've had the most chaotic, manic depressive weekened EVER! just the widest range imaginable.. First, i went to the new member's tea for the Tacoma parents of multiples club, which was AWESOME, except that i didn't realize we were supposed to come SANS babies! OOPS! i was the ONLY one that brought the babies, aak! i felt so awkward and embarrased. BUT i got to connect with another mom who is expecting triplets and already has 4, and i feel like we have a ton in common and it was nice for her and her dh and me and MY dh to get to hang out and talk! So overall a great experience! THEN, my dh took me to the brand spankin new scrapbook store in Tacoma! which was gorgeous. What a great experience to actually TOUCH the products you see online. its amazing how different they can be than the pictures. Usually different in the sense of BETTER, as far as weight, texture, etc. Color is really only a small part of the experience.
So anyway, who do you suppose i ran into at the LSS?!?! Only THE HEIDI GRACE!!!! WAY! i swear! i so wish i had my camera! but she'll be at the open house on the 24th, as well as teaching a class i think so i'll be looking forward to that! How exciting! i also inquired as to if they were looking for design team members and instructors, both of which were YES's so i just need to bring in some samples and might possibly get to be on the team, which would be fantastic.
So then we went home, back to our house with a TON of work to be done... this was the beginning of the bad part... I worked super hard, didn't get to scrap at ALL the entire weekend, and barely got a dent made. We decided we were going to work on the yard as family time, and that sorta morphed into cleaning out the truck and then working on the lawn so very little got done. Besides that, the babies were being difficult so andy couldn't help and the kids have been very difficult and minimally hepful lately, and i was just out in teh back yard, bawling my eyes out, overwhelmed, alone, frustrated... THIS is what happens when i don't take time to scrap. I feel like a machine and cry all the time. LESSON LEARNED! ugg... i just need to deal with the house being a mess and move on!!
There's lots of things i have to learn to deal with and one of them is dealing with people not liking me. WHY WHY WHY is it such a big deal to me?! i have NO clue, but there's a particular person that i used to be friends with who very clearly does NOT like me and its obvious there's no changing that on my part. The thing is i did something to hurt her and have tried to apologize but i don't think she cares and that's it. Our relationship is over and i just have to move on and try to just ignore the weirdness. I hate the weirdness. Oh well.. such is life. I'm hoping for a CALMER week this week, and i'm coming to a place where i'll gladly take BORING over happy exciting coupled with devastatingly sad.
Things are going pretty well, not as well as i'd like but i'll take Heather's suggestion (thanks girl! you are AWESOME!) and praise the Lord for allowing me to progress as much as i have, even if its not where i WANT to be. i'd ask that anyone who is willing continue to pray for me. i'm having some relational issues, that i really cant' get into, and i think i might be having mood issues as well. Not sure the meds are working very well.
I've had the most chaotic, manic depressive weekened EVER! just the widest range imaginable.. First, i went to the new member's tea for the Tacoma parents of multiples club, which was AWESOME, except that i didn't realize we were supposed to come SANS babies! OOPS! i was the ONLY one that brought the babies, aak! i felt so awkward and embarrased. BUT i got to connect with another mom who is expecting triplets and already has 4, and i feel like we have a ton in common and it was nice for her and her dh and me and MY dh to get to hang out and talk! So overall a great experience! THEN, my dh took me to the brand spankin new scrapbook store in Tacoma! which was gorgeous. What a great experience to actually TOUCH the products you see online. its amazing how different they can be than the pictures. Usually different in the sense of BETTER, as far as weight, texture, etc. Color is really only a small part of the experience.
So anyway, who do you suppose i ran into at the LSS?!?! Only THE HEIDI GRACE!!!! WAY! i swear! i so wish i had my camera! but she'll be at the open house on the 24th, as well as teaching a class i think so i'll be looking forward to that! How exciting! i also inquired as to if they were looking for design team members and instructors, both of which were YES's so i just need to bring in some samples and might possibly get to be on the team, which would be fantastic.
So then we went home, back to our house with a TON of work to be done... this was the beginning of the bad part... I worked super hard, didn't get to scrap at ALL the entire weekend, and barely got a dent made. We decided we were going to work on the yard as family time, and that sorta morphed into cleaning out the truck and then working on the lawn so very little got done. Besides that, the babies were being difficult so andy couldn't help and the kids have been very difficult and minimally hepful lately, and i was just out in teh back yard, bawling my eyes out, overwhelmed, alone, frustrated... THIS is what happens when i don't take time to scrap. I feel like a machine and cry all the time. LESSON LEARNED! ugg... i just need to deal with the house being a mess and move on!!
There's lots of things i have to learn to deal with and one of them is dealing with people not liking me. WHY WHY WHY is it such a big deal to me?! i have NO clue, but there's a particular person that i used to be friends with who very clearly does NOT like me and its obvious there's no changing that on my part. The thing is i did something to hurt her and have tried to apologize but i don't think she cares and that's it. Our relationship is over and i just have to move on and try to just ignore the weirdness. I hate the weirdness. Oh well.. such is life. I'm hoping for a CALMER week this week, and i'm coming to a place where i'll gladly take BORING over happy exciting coupled with devastatingly sad.
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