Dealing...

Sometimes i just am obsessed with wishing things could be different. I know its useless. I know its a pointless waste of time, but being created with the knowledge of what is RIGHT and what it was SUPPOSED to be like, and was like before sin, is hard. Its a process, and someday i know that God will help me fully to not feel that gap in my life. But right now i'm sad. Time to up my meds again i guess... Sometimes i wonder if i will ever be a whole person.

My list-

wow... i haven't posted since FEBRUARY?!? REALLY? i guess i got distracted with my new homeschooling blog But here I am and i'm on a new mission.

Ok, so the thing is, i had a really rough childhood. I have PTSD and right now, i remember only spotty bits of it. I was molested from the time i was a toddler, i was manipulated, i was nearly destroyed, but for the grace of God, i'm sure one of my many suicide attempts/desires would have succeeded. But God has a bigger plan for me than that. I was enlightened by my brilliant friend Stacy that What i really need is to take back what was stolen from me, and obviously that would be a really really hard series of things to do, but If i can succeed, i can come out on the other side and really be a light to others who have been hurt in similar ways.

First, I need to acknowledge what was stolen from me.

- My innocence.
- My trust of men.
- My memories of childhood.
- My ability to feel loved
- My ability to function fully intimately with my husband without unwanted psychological intrusions
- My confidence in myself
- My ability to look anyone in the eye.
- My ability to have a healthy relationship with food.
- Having a mother
- Being able to sleep without fear
- Being free from irrational fears
- Being free from horrendous flashbacks.

I'm sure there's more. I'll add to it later... i was also going to make a list of what i'm taking back but this is too draining and i'm tired and distracted anyway.

a review: Timberdoodle graphic novels.

Hey all! its been a long time... been busy, crazy busy... yesterday after the weirdest most unnerving episode of neurological insanity, i went to the ER and discovered i did NOT have a brain tumor OR a stroke, which is fantastic. I do have an inner ear problem. either just regular calcifications that will fall off and go away soon on their own, or else potentially a hereditary ear defect. I need to do some auditory testing. At any rate i'm so glad its not TOO bad. Just Vertigo, which is crazy and is making my life difficult but won't kill me. But, back to the task at hand,

As soon as i received these, i KNEW i had to tell everyone I know about them! Then Timberdoodle posted a promo for a discount if you review something or do some other things, and i was all over that.

First, i saw these when they first started selling them but only just got around to buying them last week. here's a picture from Timberdoodle
This set is only $16.95 and that is a HUGE HUGE discount. So at that price, i knew it was worth a shot. My 11 yo LOVES comic books, and i've noticed about comic books that they tend to be 1. pretty immodest and 2. very unintelligent. I knew since Timberdoodle sold these graphic novels that they'd be neither of the above, so along with lots of other things on my wishlist, i bought these. I received them and was genuinely surprised at how they looked. First, when i picture "graphic novel" the first thing that pops into my mind is "comic book." You know, cheesy design, super flimsy paper cover, newsprint paper that the ink rubs off of... you get my drift! Well, THESE "graphic novels" could not be FURTHER from that description! They are like regular softcover books, with a good design, durable cover and nice, bright pages. both my 11 and 8yo were transfixed by them and read and read. I know i need to add the other volumes to our collection.

Anyway, if you'd considered these, i'd say GO FOR IT and especially the vastly discounted set though the others are definately worth the money!!! here's a link to buy them http://www.timberdoodle.com/Stories_From_History_Set_of_10_Graphic_Novels_p/332-600.htm
Rebecca

Day-cation

I'm writing to you all from lovely Vancouver Washington! Which i must say, i really like. People are really friendly here. Huge difference from Federal way. What i was most surprised about was that the hotel we stayed at let us stay in just one room, which was GREAT! We came here on the fly, after Teresa called me on thursday and said, Hey, we're going up to vancouver this weekend, can you guys drive down? And much to my surprise, DH thought that was a GOOD idea, even though he's really tired from the whole nasty work/babies routine we have going on. Of course the weekend happened to be BOTH our monthly nursery weekend and my scrapbooking group that i'm in charge of at church's weekend. EEK. But the Matz' are our best friends and we haven't seen them since the baby's baptism 5 months ago. So anyay, here's how it went.

We drove up and got here late, around 130, and discovered the matz had been here since 10 am! aak! so we got settled in our hotel room, and went to the mall, which was super fun. We never go to the mall anymore! then we came back to the hotel to rest a bit while the Matz' were out to dinner with someone they know, and then we met up and went swimming in the Matz' hotel pool, which was a bit bigger than our hotel's pool. the kids had a blast and i got some amazing pictures. Then we went back to the hotel and THOUGHT we'd go to bed. Unfortunately, ellie was not on the same page as us and screamed continually for an hour. we got him dressed and swaddled, gave him his teething tablets and motrin, and Nothing... he finally stopped screaming when andy walked with him around forever... then we put him in his crib... he slept for a while... and then... he started up again!!! aaak! finally got that one to sleep and the other one started up. he pretty much nursed ALL night and i'm about zonked out. Now we are cleaning up, looking for our missing cell phone, and getting ready to go to church!

Other than the no sleep thing, it was fantastic... its so awesome to meet up with the matz' and also just to get OUT of our house for a while! i swear those walls start to close in on a person after a while! Aaak! gotta go help find the cell phone! later.

SLACKER!!!

wow... i can't believe its been a month since i've posted! Well, actually, i can. Its been Chaos here. With a fedex driver dh the whole christmas season is a nightmare and i'm SO GLAD its passed! Anyhow, Today is my sweet Nikolas' 11th birthday. I can't believe its been so long. He's growing in to such a wonderful young man. I'm so blessed to have him! PLease join me in praying for this little guy's life and future that he might grow to be a Godly man, and might touch the lives of all he comes into contact with in an amazing way!

The second thing i wanted to talk about today is blessings. Last night Dh prompted a discussion at the dinner table about what we were thankful for, which seemed odd to me, being Christmas, not thanksgiving, but its never the wrong day to be thankful, so i thought hard about it, and what i came up with is that I'm thankful for the blessings that God provides that we 1. don't know about. or 2. don't realize are blessings at the time, like say... me getting pregnant with ALEX well before planned, and 3. blessings that you know are blessings but don't know the depth of that blessing. The most ready example of that is the twins. We THOUGHT we had been blessed with a new baby growing in me for Christmas last year, and we were SORT of right! What we didn't know is obvious now! that we had not one but TWO babies on the way!!! I wonder how many blessings we recieve that we don't even KNOW the magnitude of that we may not come to discover till months or years later or maybe never? it just reminded me how bountifully our Lord blesses us!!

Fun times!!

Yesterday was about the funnest day in AGES! Andy came home at like 9:30, they had too many people scheduled so they let him leave early (YAY!! till we get next week's paycheck anyway!) and so we went out with just the twins and went to get my bloodwork done, HUGE long wait, and then went out for greek pizza buffet, at the former "its greek to me" which now has become "Viggianos" and isn't nearly as good... oh well. I was just as pleased as punch just to be able to TALK to my hubby. ITs been a rough stretch lately. then we ran some errands and went SHOPPING! woohoo! to Target with a gift card i still had from my baby shower. We bought a new scrabble, ours is thrashed, and hungry hungry hippos for thanksgiving, and a few other things. and finally we went home. We had all of about an hour before heading off to our evening appointment at the dr's for the twins and my crazy mama appt.

The twins were doing well, aside from Elliott having some rattle in his chest, so the Dr. put him on liquid albuterol, which i've been told is wretched, but so far doesn't seem to be causing him any side affects that i can see. My meds got upped, which is probably a good thing. Andy doesn't like the side effects so much. He was like, "She DOUBLED that wretched medication?!?" Did i ever mention how much I LOVE our doctor? She is so awesomely family friendly, has a cute little practice out of a converted house, they always have Christian music playing and the receptionist, her sister is such a sweetie.. Not to mention Dr. herself! They are like family to us. SO COOL! I find i'm really appreciating the "God given family" connections we've been blessed with.

Speaking of which i'm trying REALLY hard to have a good attitude about Thanksgiving! (to be thankful?!) its such a depressing time for me, since its just us. NOW, i know there's a LOT of us, and i shouldn't have an attitude, and its my job to be thankful in every circumstance. And i am, i'm just a bit melancholic remembering how Thanksgiving was when i was a kid with HUGE extended family get togethers, and even just a few years ago when our best friends the Matz' hosted at their church and we had SO much fun. What an amazing time of fellowship, and food and games... sigh.. so i'm determined to NOT let my attitude rub off on everyone else. Its NOT fair to them, and i know i'm still quite a bit down with the PPD AND my meds being increased means i'm going to be a bit wonky for a while. So if i am cry-ish, i'm going to hide out and do my best to put on a happy face.

So this is me for now! i have done a TON of layouts, i really need to post to my scrappy blog! Typing time is at a premium lately..

later..
R

Sick little twinnies....

Ugg.. they have the really bad cough again, asher has the eye boogers again. Thankfully their well baby check is tomorrow anyway. And thankfully we have little planned this week! last week was a DOOZY. I'm kind of zombified right now too... Seriously, Elena from MOPS called last night wondering if i was going to be coming tomorrow to help with thanksgiving baskets and my mind went totally blank and i was like... no... i can't come.. i have school with the kids... LOL. I must have sounded so DUMB! The correct answer was "No, i can't come, i have sick babies and don't want to bring them out more than necessary." But my brain was so obliterated from being up nursing the little buggers all night last night that intelligent thought just escapes me! SERIOUSLY, its BAD! i was at my Dave Ramsey class last night and was trying to articulate WHY the lesson was not coming from a Christian worldview, and i sounded like a moron. ugg. It will be nice to get my brain back.

Anyhow, an update on the little guys- At 4 mos old, Asher is coming in at a whopping 18 lbs 10 oz and Elliott is 17 lbs 3 oz. They are so precious and sweet and normally sleep really well. When they aren't coughing themselves awake they have been sleeping through the night for quite a while now. They have started noticing each other's presence and Elliott has MUCH better hand eye coordination and likes to hold asher's hand. Asher seems to appreciate that too but has a much harder time grasping elliott's hand, though he did get his thigh in a headlock and suck on his toes once. Here's a pic, its super cute

And while i'm at it, here's their 3 month portrait. Asher is on the left, and elliott on the right

So... that's about it... they are starting to fuss, think its bottle time (for a change, LOL!!!!)
R