a vent.

Ok, so i KNOW i have an attitude. And of course, my dad is here visiting so its a given i'm going to have a miserable time. But good grief! I'm worn out. Physically, (courtesty of new baby) emotionally, mentally... and tomorrow is valentines day, which SUCKS. Because like Christmas, Valentines day is something to be enjoyed by everyone EXCEPT Fedex families. All week, just WORK, WORK, WORK, And when Andy has a bad day at work, EVERYONE feels it. not to mention that i am TIRED... T I R E D! Did i mention, Tired???

So anyway, my dad came into my room, and was like, i only was able to get 1 of my 5 package mailed so can you do it tomorrow? Well, great, Andy's gone in the AM, i guess we can go out after, just ONE more thing... yk? I guess i just feel kind of resentful because i just feel like it would NOT be THAT hard to baby me once in a while, but whenever he comes, its Bec, do this, bec, do that. I mean geez... i'm totally the most low maintenance of his children, i don't have court costs, legal bills, etc like one of my siblings, and the part of my college tuition that wasn't covered by scholarships is in student loan form, being waited to be paid for, by ME. NOT dad, like my other sibling. HECK, i'm CHEAP. Better than cheap because whenever he comes to visit, i cram ALL my children into one bedroom in order to give him a bedroom to stay in. And still, its always "Bec, mail stuff for me" "I don't plan for anything so you bear the brunt of that, dear daughter and pick up the slack" Ok, that's not REALLY a quote, but that's how i hear it. I mean would it REALLY be THAT hard to say, Gosh, you work so hard and are always so worn out and self sacrificing. Why don't you leave the kids with me for the evening and go out with andy somewhere nice! We'll play board games and eat popcorn. It will be fun! Yeah, DREAM on, that will NEVER happen. And WHY i think things could ever be ANY different, i have NO clue. I have NEVER EVER been babied by anyone who is supposed to love me. My mother is out of our lives, by her choice, and i pretty much mothered HER when i she was IN our lives. Kids obviously are not supposed to be "givers" they are SUPPOSED to be energy suckers, which they excell at :-) not complaining, i'm glad to provide them what I didn't have. and my lovely dh, God bless him, just isn't that kind of guy. I know he cares, that's not it, its just not his way of expressing love to me.

Sooo... anyway, I just wonder HOW i managed to NEVER get to be the recipient of loving service. I mean, its happened, on occassion, i guess. I have great friends. I know upon the birth of several of my babies, my friend Kristan came all the way up from her house, NOT close by, with her family in tow, and went shopping for me, almost ALWAYS getting me something that i was NOT able to live without for much longer, like lansinoh, or rescue remedy (nursing is HARD on me early on with my babies, i think my boobs are shaped funny) when i really didn't want to send dh out and leave me with all the other kids, to get! so i'm not completely pathetically neglected. We were also blessed greatly by a neighbor this Christmas time, and also by several church members... i think we must be pretty conspicuous. :-) Anyway, maybe its just an attitude thing. Only seeing the bad when there's plenty of good. I guess with all the valentines day crap going on, i just feel extra glum. I really wish andy would surprise me, take the initiative to plan a romantic evening, figure out childcare, figure out where to go, have it all budgeted and no stress, and just take the whole load off of me. I mean, i make an effort to speak to HIS love language as often and creatively as possible. (that would be physical affection, of COURSE) I guess, i just wish that "I" could have a moment once in a while, from a man in my life.... Dad, husband, whatever! Ok, whine over! Thanks if you've finished my BOOK here, and feel free if you care to commisserate to post! i will feel for you too! :-) or if you want to set me straight, that's fine too :-)
Better days later-
Rebecca the grump