how i'm doing

Well, i went from Wednesday- crying pretty much ALL day long, same with Thursday, only part of the day friday... and on and on.. so i think my cry-meter indicates that i'm doing a little better with the shock of the whole thing...

I'm still stressing quite a bit about the whole birth scenario... i went from being virtually NO risk to super high risk in one ultrasound session. I was planning a home (well, freestanding birth center, but essentially the same thing) water birth, and now i'm told, nope! No home, no water, no moving around, IV the whole time.. and it stresses me out! The thing is, that i, having done this 5 times already really KNOW how birth works. I KNOW that birth is HARD. I'm not one of those people that has nice, fast, easy births. I wake up in the middle of the night, on a thursday, (always!) with contractions, and i labor through the day friday, things pick up friday evening, and baby is born sometime in the middle of friday/saturday night. So like Anna was born around 1 am,(if i remember right) same with Chloe, Leif, being 10.5 lbs was born at 5 am! LOL. So its not quick, its NOT easy, but is SAFE!!! My midwife KNOWS me, and knows what is dangerous for ME, so i have that safety net. i KNOW what to expect, HECK, i even know that i ONLY have babies on the WEEKEND! I am nearly certain both Anna and Leif would have been Csecs with a doctor, because some strange doctor does NOT know me, and know what's safe for ME and does NOT want to get sued, and that takes heavy priority over ME.

Problem IS, that i ALSO know how seriously dangerous interventions are! And i know that drugs, which i'm sure i would have gladly gobbled up in my previous births, had i access, would likely depress my system and slow down birth, as would epidural intervention. Many drugs also could go through the placenta, slowing my babies body systems and potentially requiring a quick evacuation. Epidurals come with a myriad of side effects, including potential wrenching headaches, which i am prone to begin with, so NOT ideal. and if i don't go into labor by 38 weeks, then i'd be a candidate for induction, which makes contractions THAT much harder.

I also know that laying on your back in labor is the WORST position to be in. The birth canal curves upward which means flat on your back the contractions have to not only help expel the babies, but also literally PUSH them uphill. That's just stupid. No way around it, WHY would you put yourself through that unnecessarily? And short of being numb or unconscious it is NOT necessary, BUT its likely still the medical standard. So where does that leave me?

NOW, this is all still speaking of only the natural aspect of birth... IF baby A is breech or transverse, then i for sure have to have a C-sec. If baby B is breech or transverse and the doctor is unable to turn him, then i get to deliver one baby vaginally, and one baby c-sec. Which i think would have to be the worst case scenario, not counting infant mortality. I mean COME ON!! I can feel my blood pressure rise just thinking about it! Now, a C-sec is a major surgery. MAJOR. I knew of a lady in the homeschooling community online with 5 children who died delivering her baby C-Sec due to infection. I also had a friend locally who for some reason did not get NUMB during the surgery, and her doctor didn't believe her. I know that horror stories are just that, but STILL, major surgery is major surgery. And I for one, am not much for taking that lightly. AND i'm a big baby!!!

SO, HOW do i reconcile all this! how do i deal with it and be OK with it?! HOW can i make my mind stop OBSESSING over this because its not like i have any amount of control over ANYTHING anymore?! Any wisdom?

Thanks,
Rebecca