Thursday, September 23, 2010
What was i thinking??
yeah, the whole busy every second thing.... NOT working. There are two words to describe my life right now. "Train" and "Wreck" Really. ugg. Things have got to go up from here, though, right? and the babies won't be babies for ever, and all my friends are praying for me, and its all going to be ok, right?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Day 2!
Of my new busy life....
First off, one thing about me is that i do NOT like a booked schedule. I'm a homebody. We homeschool MAINLY at home, I prefer to not go places, particularily without Andy and with all the kids! So when i did the math and realized i had monday, tuesday, and wednesday evenings booked and friday afternoons really detailedly packed, i was concerned to say the least. I'm always the one warning others of the dangers of having a too packed schedule! Well, when i was emailed and asked to be a table leader at mops, my first reaction was to laugh. HA! THAT'S not happening! But after praying about it and rearranging some things in my schedule, its now a done deal!
So tonight i went to my first meeting there, and my first of a new Bible study group, which was crazy, busy and fun. Leaving one meeting late to get to another, late... In the future i'll probably go to Bible study every tuesday except the Leadership meeting. But anyway, It was today, and I was praying about it, and it hit me. It's TIME. And i understood exactly what that meant. Its been a long, hard slog. My whole life, but in particular, the last couple years have been tough. I spent a good amount of time wondering if i'd ever be useful to ANYBODY. I knew from really early on that i was here for a reason, I sensed God's presence and when i was little, i had no idea what it meant, but as i grew into adulthood things fell into place. What did not fall into place though was my state of mind. As soon as i moved out of my parents' houses, PTSD hit with a vengeance. I went through lots of therapy, lots of years of flashbacks and a whole lot of suffering, a lot of tears, a lot of antidepressants- just plain a LOT! the last few years have been colored by various other trials, the biggie happening a couple of years ago. Not going to slog through THAT again, truly, i'm ready to be DONE with it. But it was big and left me feeling even more broken than i felt before, which is impressive. There were a few people in my life who believed in me. My fabulous husband, who refused to let me self destruct into oblivion, my bff Teresa who was never afraid to speak the truth, gently but firmly. My awesome friend Amy, who never judged me and was one of the FEW who didn't completely abandon me. And Stacy, my amazing prophetic friend who, the day I met her, knew that she would change my life. And she did. And having recieved an email from the new leader of MOPS, asking me to be a table leader, and initially laughing, but later getting the message that it was "Time" I realized, that I am indeed useful. I've been in a long season of taking. 5 months of bedrest followed with a year of raising twins, didn't leave me a lot of time or brainpower to be useful to ANYONE and one still might argue that's the case, but i feel like its time for me to give back, and as is in most cases of giving back, to be fed myself. I think that the blessing God intends for me here is SUCCESS. I spend sooooo precious little time being successful. Well, that's not true. Really, each day that everyone stays alive is a success in itself, but its hard to see it that way. With one baby at a time, its hard to feel successful, with two, hard becomes impossible. I guess i can't suppose I know what God's intentions are for me, but i can feel its bigness. And i'm excited, and extremely willing to dive in with both feet, and have faith, even though I don't know where i'm going, and what lies even a few steps ahead of me. And if i fall on my face, i'm doing to try a lot harder to handle it more gracefully than before. I think that's what my job is at this time.
First off, one thing about me is that i do NOT like a booked schedule. I'm a homebody. We homeschool MAINLY at home, I prefer to not go places, particularily without Andy and with all the kids! So when i did the math and realized i had monday, tuesday, and wednesday evenings booked and friday afternoons really detailedly packed, i was concerned to say the least. I'm always the one warning others of the dangers of having a too packed schedule! Well, when i was emailed and asked to be a table leader at mops, my first reaction was to laugh. HA! THAT'S not happening! But after praying about it and rearranging some things in my schedule, its now a done deal!
So tonight i went to my first meeting there, and my first of a new Bible study group, which was crazy, busy and fun. Leaving one meeting late to get to another, late... In the future i'll probably go to Bible study every tuesday except the Leadership meeting. But anyway, It was today, and I was praying about it, and it hit me. It's TIME. And i understood exactly what that meant. Its been a long, hard slog. My whole life, but in particular, the last couple years have been tough. I spent a good amount of time wondering if i'd ever be useful to ANYBODY. I knew from really early on that i was here for a reason, I sensed God's presence and when i was little, i had no idea what it meant, but as i grew into adulthood things fell into place. What did not fall into place though was my state of mind. As soon as i moved out of my parents' houses, PTSD hit with a vengeance. I went through lots of therapy, lots of years of flashbacks and a whole lot of suffering, a lot of tears, a lot of antidepressants- just plain a LOT! the last few years have been colored by various other trials, the biggie happening a couple of years ago. Not going to slog through THAT again, truly, i'm ready to be DONE with it. But it was big and left me feeling even more broken than i felt before, which is impressive. There were a few people in my life who believed in me. My fabulous husband, who refused to let me self destruct into oblivion, my bff Teresa who was never afraid to speak the truth, gently but firmly. My awesome friend Amy, who never judged me and was one of the FEW who didn't completely abandon me. And Stacy, my amazing prophetic friend who, the day I met her, knew that she would change my life. And she did. And having recieved an email from the new leader of MOPS, asking me to be a table leader, and initially laughing, but later getting the message that it was "Time" I realized, that I am indeed useful. I've been in a long season of taking. 5 months of bedrest followed with a year of raising twins, didn't leave me a lot of time or brainpower to be useful to ANYONE and one still might argue that's the case, but i feel like its time for me to give back, and as is in most cases of giving back, to be fed myself. I think that the blessing God intends for me here is SUCCESS. I spend sooooo precious little time being successful. Well, that's not true. Really, each day that everyone stays alive is a success in itself, but its hard to see it that way. With one baby at a time, its hard to feel successful, with two, hard becomes impossible. I guess i can't suppose I know what God's intentions are for me, but i can feel its bigness. And i'm excited, and extremely willing to dive in with both feet, and have faith, even though I don't know where i'm going, and what lies even a few steps ahead of me. And if i fall on my face, i'm doing to try a lot harder to handle it more gracefully than before. I think that's what my job is at this time.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Wow....
Ok, so i almost dare not say a thing, for fear that i'll suddenly find myself awakened from a dream and not really living this life for real, but i dare say that after 2 years of living in the pits of despair, things might be looking up!
I really truly mean it too, i know i'm prone to melodrama, but truly, the last two years almost exactly, two years, have been a test of my ability to persevere in a big way. I've been hit with virtually every trial imaginable. Ok, well that is melodramatic. I haven't faced EVERY trial but i have faced enough to leave me sick, heartbroken, on the brink of divorce, on the brink of life, dehydrated enough to be on an iv, shaped like a beach ball... the list goes on and on.
And truth be told, the trials are FAR from over. I've cautiously initiated contact with family after a 15 yr estrangement, i'm still trying to keep the twins from killing each other. I have the busiest schedule that i have EVER had. i'm still trying to figure out how to fit my light therapy, exercise and creative time into my schedule, I'm also trying to keep my 1yo twins from killing themselves and each other, which has been QUITE a challenge.
But i just have this feeling like things are going to be ok. I'm embarking on this incredibly cool ministry opportunity that is looking like its going to be BIG and AMAZING, i'm building relationships, babies are still alive. God has so blessed me. Just thought i'd share :-)
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