Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving ramblings

Wow! so a friend of mine invited my WHOLE FAMILY over for thanksgiving this year, and we are in prep mode, getting ready to go. I need to make the "Lutheran Corn", the "Pink Goop" the Thanksgiving tree, and a variety of misc. items for dinner, so i'm praying i don't forget anything as I tend to be flakey. No, let me rephrase that- I INVENTED flaky. If you look up "flakey" in the dictionary, you will see a picture of me! same with "Gullible" ;-)

Anyway, this is such a treat for me because, i HATE cooking. I just REALLY REALLY hate cooking! In fact, i have a deal with my family that i'll make real food on thanksgiving, but Christmas is finger food and perhaps pancakes in the morning- since its totally not fair for ME to never get a break on holidays!!! And Since JoAnn likes things to be "just so" She's doing the vast majority of cooking! And i have to admit, while i do HATE cooking i LOVE homecooked food!! I really need to get over the whole hatred of cooking thing. Anyway, Going to the Kuhns' for Thanksgiving is much more than about food though. For several years when my BFF Teresa And my friend Amy, and whatever of Teresa's family could make it, came to Federal Way, and we had thanksgiving at the Matz' church. it was SO MUCH FUN. Just seeing all the children playing together, all the women gathered together cooking, all the men watching the tube and the babies. It felt so REAL so "thanksgivingish" Its HARD to be away from family on thanksgiving, and God is really opening my eyes to "God Family" or the people that God provides for us to act as family, when biological family either isn't available or just plain lets you down. I LOVE THAT about God! if you look deep enough, you will see that He NEVER leaves you without enough! Sometimes our own human greed makes that hard to see, but i'll tell you, i am a blessed woman. I have a LOT on my plate, and i have a LOT of baggage to deal with, and i'm not going to sugar coat all of it- its HARD. but i have a very very FULL life, and i KNOW that my father in heaven KNOWS that that's how i roll- i'd never be satisfied with a simple, basic life. I'm a doer- an achiever- and God's created me that way! And as a result my life reflects that! Someday i'm going to make a mark on the world- i can be sure of that.

So today, i'm thanking God for the gift of "God Family" And all those special people in my life who help make me complete- you KNOW who you are! I love you! and i'm grateful for your presence in my life!

Friday, November 12, 2010

To write love on her arms day!

Today is a special day, its "to write love on her arms day"

This is a day to raise awareness for people with depression. It has a lot of meaning for me because i struggle with depression. I have had a very difficult childhood, was sexually abused since toddlerhood and psychologically abused pretty constantly. I get post-partum depression SEVERELY, to the point where its really a life or death situation when i am post-partum, and i have 7 children :-) God is GOOD, and i'm alive! I also struggle with general mild depression when not pregnant or post-partum. I have post traumatic stress disorder as well which is under control but i think contributes to the depression issues I have. Anyway, one thing about people who have dealt with depression is that often we feel marginalized, since there are very very REAL effects that cause us to view the world differently, and get affected in weird ways that can be embarrassing, etc.

I am participating in this challenge because i hope that people will ask me what the words on my arms are about. I love having the opportunity to share God's love with others, and what better opportunity than this!

here's the blurb from the facebook page
To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering. On this day, just write love on your arms, and show it off, other people will ask why you have love written on your arms, and you tell them you are supporting to write love on her arms day, and how its benefiting a non profit organization helping stop depression, and make love the movement ♥

on November 12-13th write love on yours arms, and upload pictures here to show your support

Friday, October 29, 2010

some of my bookmarks

So i'm on my extra computer, that we used till we got our new one, and i thought i'd get my bookmarks on to my laptop, and i thought what better way to make sure they get there, and share my fabulous finds with others than to post here! so enjoy.




Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Things are looking up! Despite a NASTY bout of the flu that hit everyone in our family, except possibly nikolas, which is weird, since he's the one that tends to be most likely to get sick, i'm feeling much better! My quest to pray for that particular person and his family is going well, and i'm not crying as much. In fact not barely at all. I guess we'll see how it goes when i go to church- we had to miss it this weekend since that was our peak day- just about EVERYONE was sick. I hate getting sick, no one babies me! There's 2 types of sick people, laid back, people that sort of shrink into themselves and you barely notice they are there when they are sick, which would be like my oldest, Alex, and then there's whiny, needy sick people, like nikolas, my second oldest! i'm pretty sure i'm the latter. So, anyway, i know its just a season, and eventually, my dh will learn to baby me :-) and there won't be ACTUAL Babies to baby :-) But right now is difficult in a lot of ways. But its all good, life is moving on nicely. The dudes had a successful 15 month well baby, and that went well. Sadly our favorite burger place was CLOSED when we went for baby appointments/date night last night :-( Today we are getting back on track with group school and back on track with our routine generally. I'm hoping to get a good bit of scrapping done since i've been tied up with house stuff and sick people stuff the past few days. I'm really needing a creative outlet! I'd love to take my Design team kit and use it down to nothin'! i LOVE scrapping fall.. What i REALLY should do is take advantage of some, of this sun and bring everyone outside to do some nature sketching! hmm... we'll see! Anyway, after my last post i figured i'd better update :-) God Bless,

Friday, October 22, 2010

Aching, wrenching pain.

I'm going through a hard time right now. I know its all going to work out, i know that ultimately, i'm "OK" but at the same time, i can't even put into words what i'm going through. Andy doesn't get it, but at the same time he has this constant level of underlying hostility. He knows his territory has been invaded, badly invaded, sacked plundered and left for dead. I think in any other circumstance, i would give up. Really, i would have given up long ago. Because this is not my first major trial. But the fact is, i'm the daughter of the king. I'm the beloved child of the most high God and I am untouchable. I just don't feel like it right now. But my daddy is one powerful dude and this situation breaks his heart. And he WILL make things right. So my job is to do what feels impossible and pray for this person, and this person's family. pray for this person's salvation, and for this person's sanctification. Pray that this person can overcome the pain that caused this person to use me and betray me. Thankfully the power of forgiveness is much more powerful than I. I think every time i cry about the situation, i'll take that opportunity to pray for this person and the family of this person. I'll be doing a lot of praying. And that's ok.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

too much

right now i'm feeling like the weight on my shoulders is just too much. And when i write it all down, it IS. Its not the events on my calendar, or the tasks i have to get done, though those are also pretty thickly packed right now too. But the bigger issues are the things that God is asking me to do. They are HARSH, and HEAVY, i don't even know how to describe it. I can't really get into specifics, but suffice to say that i'm certain that these burdens do indeed come from God, Its HARD and i'm having a difficult time finding the strength to go on. In a way, just the fact that i'm asked to do these things indicates to me that God thinks i'm awfully special, and that totally SHOULD make me feel better, but it doesn't. All i can think about is how to get from day to day, and fight the intrusive thoughts going through my head and fight feelings of worthlessness and guilt. I could really use prayer right now. I'm "Ok" i'm not in any immediate danger and i'm not feeling like i'm going into psychosis again or anything, but i do feel like i'm close to the breaking point, and i'm hanging on and trusting Him with all my might, but i'm having a hard time with the feelings of fear that are coming along with it. Clear as mud? probably... ah well... i'm going to go to sleep and things will be better in the morning, they always are. However, i have a very hard day ahead of me. But i'm not going to think about it. Positive thoughts... positive thoughts... sigh...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

It is what it is

So here it is, Wednesday, October 13th. on the upswing from what i think is a sinus infection and a massive case of vertigo. spent the whole day in bed yesterday other than an ill advised but thankfully short drive to safeway to procure all the groceries we'd need for a while with a TON of coupons, and i escaped that trip both without killing anyone AND within the impossible budget, SCORE! So now i'm waiting to go pick up alex who is hopefully taking his PSAT test, despite the fact that he forgot both his pencils AND his cheat sheet i made for him yesterday which gave him explicit directions on what he was to do, ie. arrive at 7:15, check in at the office, go to room 202, etc. I am baffled as to what i can possibly do to help this child more. I know that many truly brilliant people had/have trouble functioning on a daily basis, but i'd really hoped i could help alex get over this massive flakyness. And yes, he gets it from me, which is a bummer. And yes, i still have nightmares about forgetting my locker combination and other various flaky person issues. So while one CAN live a functional life, it still has long term effects. And that's just being a smart person, i'm NOT brilliant like him. Yikes.

So we'd been expecting my bff and her family to come stay with us for the weekend, and its looking like that's not happening, which is badly messing with the OCD side of my brain, and making me a little crazy, and sad. Its our 16th anniversary friday and i was hoping to celebrate with our "God family" Oh well. Maybe we'll try to find a sitter for sometime this weekend and go out just the two of us instead. Date night is LONG overdue and hard to get. I have a friend who babysits for a reasonable rate but even reasonable isn't doable most of the time right now. I'm trying to constantly remind myself that the financial situation isn't permanent, and the baby situation isn't permanent, but they are both making life feel really bleak right now. My Neighbor keeps reminding me that the babies won't be whacked out forever, and she's right. But i'm tired.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

What was i thinking??

yeah, the whole busy every second thing.... NOT working. There are two words to describe my life right now. "Train" and "Wreck" Really. ugg. Things have got to go up from here, though, right? and the babies won't be babies for ever, and all my friends are praying for me, and its all going to be ok, right?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Day 2!

Of my new busy life....

First off, one thing about me is that i do NOT like a booked schedule. I'm a homebody. We homeschool MAINLY at home, I prefer to not go places, particularily without Andy and with all the kids! So when i did the math and realized i had monday, tuesday, and wednesday evenings booked and friday afternoons really detailedly packed, i was concerned to say the least. I'm always the one warning others of the dangers of having a too packed schedule! Well, when i was emailed and asked to be a table leader at mops, my first reaction was to laugh. HA! THAT'S not happening! But after praying about it and rearranging some things in my schedule, its now a done deal!

So tonight i went to my first meeting there, and my first of a new Bible study group, which was crazy, busy and fun. Leaving one meeting late to get to another, late... In the future i'll probably go to Bible study every tuesday except the Leadership meeting. But anyway, It was today, and I was praying about it, and it hit me. It's TIME. And i understood exactly what that meant. Its been a long, hard slog. My whole life, but in particular, the last couple years have been tough. I spent a good amount of time wondering if i'd ever be useful to ANYBODY. I knew from really early on that i was here for a reason, I sensed God's presence and when i was little, i had no idea what it meant, but as i grew into adulthood things fell into place. What did not fall into place though was my state of mind. As soon as i moved out of my parents' houses, PTSD hit with a vengeance. I went through lots of therapy, lots of years of flashbacks and a whole lot of suffering, a lot of tears, a lot of antidepressants- just plain a LOT! the last few years have been colored by various other trials, the biggie happening a couple of years ago. Not going to slog through THAT again, truly, i'm ready to be DONE with it. But it was big and left me feeling even more broken than i felt before, which is impressive. There were a few people in my life who believed in me. My fabulous husband, who refused to let me self destruct into oblivion, my bff Teresa who was never afraid to speak the truth, gently but firmly. My awesome friend Amy, who never judged me and was one of the FEW who didn't completely abandon me. And Stacy, my amazing prophetic friend who, the day I met her, knew that she would change my life. And she did. And having recieved an email from the new leader of MOPS, asking me to be a table leader, and initially laughing, but later getting the message that it was "Time" I realized, that I am indeed useful. I've been in a long season of taking. 5 months of bedrest followed with a year of raising twins, didn't leave me a lot of time or brainpower to be useful to ANYONE and one still might argue that's the case, but i feel like its time for me to give back, and as is in most cases of giving back, to be fed myself. I think that the blessing God intends for me here is SUCCESS. I spend sooooo precious little time being successful. Well, that's not true. Really, each day that everyone stays alive is a success in itself, but its hard to see it that way. With one baby at a time, its hard to feel successful, with two, hard becomes impossible. I guess i can't suppose I know what God's intentions are for me, but i can feel its bigness. And i'm excited, and extremely willing to dive in with both feet, and have faith, even though I don't know where i'm going, and what lies even a few steps ahead of me. And if i fall on my face, i'm doing to try a lot harder to handle it more gracefully than before. I think that's what my job is at this time.

Monday, September 13, 2010


Ok, so i almost dare not say a thing, for fear that i'll suddenly find myself awakened from a dream and not really living this life for real, but i dare say that after 2 years of living in the pits of despair, things might be looking up!

I really truly mean it too, i know i'm prone to melodrama, but truly, the last two years almost exactly, two years, have been a test of my ability to persevere in a big way. I've been hit with virtually every trial imaginable. Ok, well that is melodramatic. I haven't faced EVERY trial but i have faced enough to leave me sick, heartbroken, on the brink of divorce, on the brink of life, dehydrated enough to be on an iv, shaped like a beach ball... the list goes on and on.

And truth be told, the trials are FAR from over. I've cautiously initiated contact with family after a 15 yr estrangement, i'm still trying to keep the twins from killing each other. I have the busiest schedule that i have EVER had. i'm still trying to figure out how to fit my light therapy, exercise and creative time into my schedule, I'm also trying to keep my 1yo twins from killing themselves and each other, which has been QUITE a challenge.

But i just have this feeling like things are going to be ok. I'm embarking on this incredibly cool ministry opportunity that is looking like its going to be BIG and AMAZING, i'm building relationships, babies are still alive. God has so blessed me. Just thought i'd share :-)

Friday, August 6, 2010


Today i was sitting outside, doing my Bible study, (outside is the BEST place for that! not only is it relatively free from kid noise but its got a more pleasant noise all its own, birds, trees, wind...) and i was contemplating how amazing it all is. It floors me that anyone could so much as open their eyes in the morning and not be struck by the miracle that all this in front of us, behind us, and within us is. Much less that they could ever in their wildest imaginations believe this all evolved from nothing. Its ludicrous, plain and simple. I don't know how to explain why SO many do. It doesn't even make sense to me.

On a practical note, we are 1. getting our new to us dryer today! YAY! and also are going shopping at costco, so i SHOULD be working on my memo, but i'm not. I'm here.. marveling and thinking... AAK! bottle washing must be done. Another super short twin baby mama post from me, like usual.

Friday, July 30, 2010


The time escaped me again. The twins' birthday went BEAUTIFULLY well, and we got lots of great pictures, and even a video of elliott grabbing the top off asher's cake :) very cute.

Things are otherwise going pretty well... Leif's bd party is coming up on sunday. His actual birthday was yesterday but my friend JoAnn is having Maddie's bd (the twins born two days later buddy) on saturday so sunday it is! Its busy, i'm getting ready to start school on monday, August 2, which is a new thing for us, but i'm wanting to ease into a routine and ease into all the subjects and for that we need an extra month.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Today i'm up and i'm starting over. i need to get up so i can have some time to wake up in peace without people demanding stuff of me. Had a BIG argument with andy about that yesterday and I don't want to revisit THAT. So I think the only way to resolve this situation is to sacrifice sleep to make it happen, which i'm actually not supposed to, since i'm supposed to sleep a good amount at night to keep the PPD at bay, but i'm hoping this will at least spur me on to having a decent bedtime. The nighttime with its quietness is so intoxicating for me.

Anyway, during my Bible study this morning, i realized that i have to FOCUS on the race. If i spend my whole life lamenting that my mommy doesn't love me that's all i'll be able to think about. I have to move on. And that's hard, but what can I do about it? NOTHING, so might as well pick myself up and move on, keeping the whole situation marinated in prayer.

So, that is what i shall do. Now, the day is at hand, and there's much to be done. I'm about to catch a webinar on teaching math, and at 10 i have a dr. appt, me, and the twins. We are then meeting Amy and JoAnn in Auburn for a park playdate, and at SOME point i really need to order birthday cake for the twins and their own individual cupcakes, at Costco and QFC respectively.

I'm thinking we will have salmon chowder for dinner tonight if i can get it in the crockpot in time.

Monday, July 19, 2010


Sometimes i just am obsessed with wishing things could be different. I know its useless. I know its a pointless waste of time, but being created with the knowledge of what is RIGHT and what it was SUPPOSED to be like, and was like before sin, is hard. Its a process, and someday i know that God will help me fully to not feel that gap in my life. But right now i'm sad. Time to up my meds again i guess... Sometimes i wonder if i will ever be a whole person.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

My list-

wow... i haven't posted since FEBRUARY?!? REALLY? i guess i got distracted with my new homeschooling blog But here I am and i'm on a new mission.

Ok, so the thing is, i had a really rough childhood. I have PTSD and right now, i remember only spotty bits of it. I was molested from the time i was a toddler, i was manipulated, i was nearly destroyed, but for the grace of God, i'm sure one of my many suicide attempts/desires would have succeeded. But God has a bigger plan for me than that. I was enlightened by my brilliant friend Stacy that What i really need is to take back what was stolen from me, and obviously that would be a really really hard series of things to do, but If i can succeed, i can come out on the other side and really be a light to others who have been hurt in similar ways.

First, I need to acknowledge what was stolen from me.

- My innocence.
- My trust of men.
- My memories of childhood.
- My ability to feel loved
- My ability to function fully intimately with my husband without unwanted psychological intrusions
- My confidence in myself
- My ability to look anyone in the eye.
- My ability to have a healthy relationship with food.
- Having a mother
- Being able to sleep without fear
- Being free from irrational fears
- Being free from horrendous flashbacks.

I'm sure there's more. I'll add to it later... i was also going to make a list of what i'm taking back but this is too draining and i'm tired and distracted anyway.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

a review: Timberdoodle graphic novels.

Hey all! its been a long time... been busy, crazy busy... yesterday after the weirdest most unnerving episode of neurological insanity, i went to the ER and discovered i did NOT have a brain tumor OR a stroke, which is fantastic. I do have an inner ear problem. either just regular calcifications that will fall off and go away soon on their own, or else potentially a hereditary ear defect. I need to do some auditory testing. At any rate i'm so glad its not TOO bad. Just Vertigo, which is crazy and is making my life difficult but won't kill me. But, back to the task at hand,

As soon as i received these, i KNEW i had to tell everyone I know about them! Then Timberdoodle posted a promo for a discount if you review something or do some other things, and i was all over that.

First, i saw these when they first started selling them but only just got around to buying them last week. here's a picture from Timberdoodle
This set is only $16.95 and that is a HUGE HUGE discount. So at that price, i knew it was worth a shot. My 11 yo LOVES comic books, and i've noticed about comic books that they tend to be 1. pretty immodest and 2. very unintelligent. I knew since Timberdoodle sold these graphic novels that they'd be neither of the above, so along with lots of other things on my wishlist, i bought these. I received them and was genuinely surprised at how they looked. First, when i picture "graphic novel" the first thing that pops into my mind is "comic book." You know, cheesy design, super flimsy paper cover, newsprint paper that the ink rubs off of... you get my drift! Well, THESE "graphic novels" could not be FURTHER from that description! They are like regular softcover books, with a good design, durable cover and nice, bright pages. both my 11 and 8yo were transfixed by them and read and read. I know i need to add the other volumes to our collection.

Anyway, if you'd considered these, i'd say GO FOR IT and especially the vastly discounted set though the others are definately worth the money!!! here's a link to buy them

Sunday, January 17, 2010


I'm writing to you all from lovely Vancouver Washington! Which i must say, i really like. People are really friendly here. Huge difference from Federal way. What i was most surprised about was that the hotel we stayed at let us stay in just one room, which was GREAT! We came here on the fly, after Teresa called me on thursday and said, Hey, we're going up to vancouver this weekend, can you guys drive down? And much to my surprise, DH thought that was a GOOD idea, even though he's really tired from the whole nasty work/babies routine we have going on. Of course the weekend happened to be BOTH our monthly nursery weekend and my scrapbooking group that i'm in charge of at church's weekend. EEK. But the Matz' are our best friends and we haven't seen them since the baby's baptism 5 months ago. So anyay, here's how it went.

We drove up and got here late, around 130, and discovered the matz had been here since 10 am! aak! so we got settled in our hotel room, and went to the mall, which was super fun. We never go to the mall anymore! then we came back to the hotel to rest a bit while the Matz' were out to dinner with someone they know, and then we met up and went swimming in the Matz' hotel pool, which was a bit bigger than our hotel's pool. the kids had a blast and i got some amazing pictures. Then we went back to the hotel and THOUGHT we'd go to bed. Unfortunately, ellie was not on the same page as us and screamed continually for an hour. we got him dressed and swaddled, gave him his teething tablets and motrin, and Nothing... he finally stopped screaming when andy walked with him around forever... then we put him in his crib... he slept for a while... and then... he started up again!!! aaak! finally got that one to sleep and the other one started up. he pretty much nursed ALL night and i'm about zonked out. Now we are cleaning up, looking for our missing cell phone, and getting ready to go to church!

Other than the no sleep thing, it was fantastic... its so awesome to meet up with the matz' and also just to get OUT of our house for a while! i swear those walls start to close in on a person after a while! Aaak! gotta go help find the cell phone! later.