Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving ramblings

Wow! so a friend of mine invited my WHOLE FAMILY over for thanksgiving this year, and we are in prep mode, getting ready to go. I need to make the "Lutheran Corn", the "Pink Goop" the Thanksgiving tree, and a variety of misc. items for dinner, so i'm praying i don't forget anything as I tend to be flakey. No, let me rephrase that- I INVENTED flaky. If you look up "flakey" in the dictionary, you will see a picture of me! same with "Gullible" ;-)

Anyway, this is such a treat for me because, i HATE cooking. I just REALLY REALLY hate cooking! In fact, i have a deal with my family that i'll make real food on thanksgiving, but Christmas is finger food and perhaps pancakes in the morning- since its totally not fair for ME to never get a break on holidays!!! And Since JoAnn likes things to be "just so" She's doing the vast majority of cooking! And i have to admit, while i do HATE cooking i LOVE homecooked food!! I really need to get over the whole hatred of cooking thing. Anyway, Going to the Kuhns' for Thanksgiving is much more than about food though. For several years when my BFF Teresa And my friend Amy, and whatever of Teresa's family could make it, came to Federal Way, and we had thanksgiving at the Matz' church. it was SO MUCH FUN. Just seeing all the children playing together, all the women gathered together cooking, all the men watching the tube and the babies. It felt so REAL so "thanksgivingish" Its HARD to be away from family on thanksgiving, and God is really opening my eyes to "God Family" or the people that God provides for us to act as family, when biological family either isn't available or just plain lets you down. I LOVE THAT about God! if you look deep enough, you will see that He NEVER leaves you without enough! Sometimes our own human greed makes that hard to see, but i'll tell you, i am a blessed woman. I have a LOT on my plate, and i have a LOT of baggage to deal with, and i'm not going to sugar coat all of it- its HARD. but i have a very very FULL life, and i KNOW that my father in heaven KNOWS that that's how i roll- i'd never be satisfied with a simple, basic life. I'm a doer- an achiever- and God's created me that way! And as a result my life reflects that! Someday i'm going to make a mark on the world- i can be sure of that.

So today, i'm thanking God for the gift of "God Family" And all those special people in my life who help make me complete- you KNOW who you are! I love you! and i'm grateful for your presence in my life!

Friday, November 12, 2010

To write love on her arms day!

Today is a special day, its "to write love on her arms day"

This is a day to raise awareness for people with depression. It has a lot of meaning for me because i struggle with depression. I have had a very difficult childhood, was sexually abused since toddlerhood and psychologically abused pretty constantly. I get post-partum depression SEVERELY, to the point where its really a life or death situation when i am post-partum, and i have 7 children :-) God is GOOD, and i'm alive! I also struggle with general mild depression when not pregnant or post-partum. I have post traumatic stress disorder as well which is under control but i think contributes to the depression issues I have. Anyway, one thing about people who have dealt with depression is that often we feel marginalized, since there are very very REAL effects that cause us to view the world differently, and get affected in weird ways that can be embarrassing, etc.

I am participating in this challenge because i hope that people will ask me what the words on my arms are about. I love having the opportunity to share God's love with others, and what better opportunity than this!

here's the blurb from the facebook page
To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering. On this day, just write love on your arms, and show it off, other people will ask why you have love written on your arms, and you tell them you are supporting to write love on her arms day, and how its benefiting a non profit organization helping stop depression, and make love the movement ♥

on November 12-13th write love on yours arms, and upload pictures here to show your support

Friday, October 29, 2010

some of my bookmarks

So i'm on my extra computer, that we used till we got our new one, and i thought i'd get my bookmarks on to my laptop, and i thought what better way to make sure they get there, and share my fabulous finds with others than to post here! so enjoy.




Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Things are looking up! Despite a NASTY bout of the flu that hit everyone in our family, except possibly nikolas, which is weird, since he's the one that tends to be most likely to get sick, i'm feeling much better! My quest to pray for that particular person and his family is going well, and i'm not crying as much. In fact not barely at all. I guess we'll see how it goes when i go to church- we had to miss it this weekend since that was our peak day- just about EVERYONE was sick. I hate getting sick, no one babies me! There's 2 types of sick people, laid back, people that sort of shrink into themselves and you barely notice they are there when they are sick, which would be like my oldest, Alex, and then there's whiny, needy sick people, like nikolas, my second oldest! i'm pretty sure i'm the latter. So, anyway, i know its just a season, and eventually, my dh will learn to baby me :-) and there won't be ACTUAL Babies to baby :-) But right now is difficult in a lot of ways. But its all good, life is moving on nicely. The dudes had a successful 15 month well baby, and that went well. Sadly our favorite burger place was CLOSED when we went for baby appointments/date night last night :-( Today we are getting back on track with group school and back on track with our routine generally. I'm hoping to get a good bit of scrapping done since i've been tied up with house stuff and sick people stuff the past few days. I'm really needing a creative outlet! I'd love to take my Design team kit and use it down to nothin'! i LOVE scrapping fall.. What i REALLY should do is take advantage of some, of this sun and bring everyone outside to do some nature sketching! hmm... we'll see! Anyway, after my last post i figured i'd better update :-) God Bless,

Friday, October 22, 2010

Aching, wrenching pain.

I'm going through a hard time right now. I know its all going to work out, i know that ultimately, i'm "OK" but at the same time, i can't even put into words what i'm going through. Andy doesn't get it, but at the same time he has this constant level of underlying hostility. He knows his territory has been invaded, badly invaded, sacked plundered and left for dead. I think in any other circumstance, i would give up. Really, i would have given up long ago. Because this is not my first major trial. But the fact is, i'm the daughter of the king. I'm the beloved child of the most high God and I am untouchable. I just don't feel like it right now. But my daddy is one powerful dude and this situation breaks his heart. And he WILL make things right. So my job is to do what feels impossible and pray for this person, and this person's family. pray for this person's salvation, and for this person's sanctification. Pray that this person can overcome the pain that caused this person to use me and betray me. Thankfully the power of forgiveness is much more powerful than I. I think every time i cry about the situation, i'll take that opportunity to pray for this person and the family of this person. I'll be doing a lot of praying. And that's ok.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

too much

right now i'm feeling like the weight on my shoulders is just too much. And when i write it all down, it IS. Its not the events on my calendar, or the tasks i have to get done, though those are also pretty thickly packed right now too. But the bigger issues are the things that God is asking me to do. They are HARSH, and HEAVY, i don't even know how to describe it. I can't really get into specifics, but suffice to say that i'm certain that these burdens do indeed come from God, Its HARD and i'm having a difficult time finding the strength to go on. In a way, just the fact that i'm asked to do these things indicates to me that God thinks i'm awfully special, and that totally SHOULD make me feel better, but it doesn't. All i can think about is how to get from day to day, and fight the intrusive thoughts going through my head and fight feelings of worthlessness and guilt. I could really use prayer right now. I'm "Ok" i'm not in any immediate danger and i'm not feeling like i'm going into psychosis again or anything, but i do feel like i'm close to the breaking point, and i'm hanging on and trusting Him with all my might, but i'm having a hard time with the feelings of fear that are coming along with it. Clear as mud? probably... ah well... i'm going to go to sleep and things will be better in the morning, they always are. However, i have a very hard day ahead of me. But i'm not going to think about it. Positive thoughts... positive thoughts... sigh...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

It is what it is

So here it is, Wednesday, October 13th. on the upswing from what i think is a sinus infection and a massive case of vertigo. spent the whole day in bed yesterday other than an ill advised but thankfully short drive to safeway to procure all the groceries we'd need for a while with a TON of coupons, and i escaped that trip both without killing anyone AND within the impossible budget, SCORE! So now i'm waiting to go pick up alex who is hopefully taking his PSAT test, despite the fact that he forgot both his pencils AND his cheat sheet i made for him yesterday which gave him explicit directions on what he was to do, ie. arrive at 7:15, check in at the office, go to room 202, etc. I am baffled as to what i can possibly do to help this child more. I know that many truly brilliant people had/have trouble functioning on a daily basis, but i'd really hoped i could help alex get over this massive flakyness. And yes, he gets it from me, which is a bummer. And yes, i still have nightmares about forgetting my locker combination and other various flaky person issues. So while one CAN live a functional life, it still has long term effects. And that's just being a smart person, i'm NOT brilliant like him. Yikes.

So we'd been expecting my bff and her family to come stay with us for the weekend, and its looking like that's not happening, which is badly messing with the OCD side of my brain, and making me a little crazy, and sad. Its our 16th anniversary friday and i was hoping to celebrate with our "God family" Oh well. Maybe we'll try to find a sitter for sometime this weekend and go out just the two of us instead. Date night is LONG overdue and hard to get. I have a friend who babysits for a reasonable rate but even reasonable isn't doable most of the time right now. I'm trying to constantly remind myself that the financial situation isn't permanent, and the baby situation isn't permanent, but they are both making life feel really bleak right now. My Neighbor keeps reminding me that the babies won't be whacked out forever, and she's right. But i'm tired.