Sunday, November 23, 2008


Today something cool happened! we went to church today, which was wretched... church has been rough for a variety of reasons, and then we went to costco, at which point i was in a FLAMING bad mood and had to deal with costco on top of it.. so we got the most basic of groceries... Budget is IMPOSSIBLE, but decided, that's IT screw the impossible budget, i'm buying groceries! ugg.. anyway, so we got hotdogs afterward at the lunch place there, and while we were eating an elderly lady came up to me and was like "I knew you were Christian even before your family prayed... you are so kind to your children and they are so well behaved. You really stand out and people around you are watching, and you are influencing them." I was just flabbergasted... WHAT a gift, and how i needed that kind of encouragement today!!! Totally a God thing, i must say. Its great that even when everything is completely in the pits, God will send a message that He's still there.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


OH MY GOSH! ok, so i normally save this kind of thing for my art blog, but i just had to brag all over the place about this one!!!!!

I participated in an online crop last weekend, and one of the challenges was a contest sponsored by several scrappy companies It was merit-based and there was lots of entries... and... and... and...

And I WON!!!! here's the blurb

has teamed up with EK Success this weekend to help celebrate their Crop Scene Investigation Celebration. What we have for you is one HUMONGOUS Grand Prize, $100 worth of products from EK, K&Coand Inkadinkado!

We had some fantastic entries for this contest! I sure hope everyone takes a peek at the layouts and leaves a little praise too. The CT knocked their heads together to vote on their favorite layouts......

and the grand prize winner of the $100 prize pack is.... mamakven

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Did i mention i LOVE mops??? oh my gosh, things totally have been looking up since my last post... first, i drove to mops, and it was so calm and peaceful out... i've really come to love a calm gray sky! and oak leaves scattered all over the ground cascading over cars... man, i love FALL! So then i got to MOPS and we did a craft and that was really fun, and we had the most awesome breakfast! i so need more protien in my breakfasts!!! and then we won a contest at our table and what did we win??? YEP, you guessed it, CHOCOLATE!! AAAAKKK! but i'm being very good, its in my bag and i'm going to wrap it all pretty like and give it to andy when he gets home and ask him to please not eat it in front of me, LOL! I just feel so renewed and refreshed, and excited about the rest of the day. Its nice getting out of the house once in a while!
i should think of something cool to surprise andy with when he gets home... hmmm... any ideas?


So i had a glorious walk today... wow, nothing quite compares to getting out there, getting sweaty and then taking a fabulous cool shower... ahhh....

But again, walking provokes thinking... and the fact is, my heart is broken. PERIOD. i've not gotten over it... i have a fabulous dh who is willing to hold me at night while i cry and cry, which helps... WOW, does it ever, but i am still a very fractured person. And i don't want to be that way. Every fiber of my being is screaming RUN. LEAVE, don't come back. But i can't. We are stuck here... and i'm stuck in a situation that is really rough. And i so wish i could escape. And WHY did i think nixing CHOCOLATE was a good idea?????? There just comes a point where you just have to GET OVER IT. Its not like i'm a stranger to betrayal. So right now, i'm using God's word to fight back, and i'm clarifying in my own mind WHO it is that i'm fighting against, because who i WANT to fight is just another frail broken person. And that's not my enemy. I still wish we could move. Deep breath.... this too will pass...

Still haven't heard anything about my sister.... i wish someone would call me. I wonder if its public record yet...

Monday, November 17, 2008

Tweet Tweet!!

Ok, so i just joined twitter.... so all you becca groupies can come follow me there Ha!! LOL. I still wonder if anyone actually reads this blog, or if i'm just carrying on an intriguing conversation with myself, which would be not much different from the auditory conversation i carry on with myself daily, since i'm a strangely visual AND auditory person... i'm the one you see in the grocery store contemplating out loud whether i want butterscotch or banana pudding :p But at the same time i communicate better with the written word than verbally. Particularily if there's some kind of emotional investment on my part or something that's a passion of mine, i just sort of gum up and say something stupid, when in reality i'm a pretty darn good communicator, just not so much verbally! Except when debating... i think i'm the only person on the face of the earth that would love to go back to high school. Ok, not entirely but i LOVE LOVE LOVED being a debater. What power! I could kick some serious @ss and it was AWESOME! Real life has very little power. Ah well. Anyway, if you read this and have twitter, or need another way to waste time on the internet, come find me!!

Chocolate, ET AL.

I don't think i mentined that i'm giving up chocolate! Not chocolate in its entirety, i'm still having my morning mocha, and chocolate peanut butter ice cream. I mean you can't drop EVERYTHING awesome all at once, right?? But my chocolate tupperware thing i keep in my scrappy area that's been filled with halloween candy has been depleted, The kids halloween candy is depleted too, LOL so that helps. Basically i need to lose weight. I'm having MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR self image issues right now which is WEIRD because this hasn't been an issue for me since high school. Something happened which effectively knocked me down a few pegs, and my fabulous new mentor Stacy things i could really use some successes. I agree. So step one, giving up my chocolate. Whatever isn't a help is a hindrance, and as much as i love reeses, they are NOT a help. Also i'm trying to get back on track exercising. its been rough because i've been sick repeatedly, and sick is my major excuse for not getting up at 530 and exercising! but i'm on the mend and hopefully tomorrow will be the day! I REALLY want to start losing weight and more importantly getting healthy because i could get pregnant at any time basically, and when i DO get pregnant, i'm a vomiting bundle of gross and really can't function well, and my muscles tend to atrophy, and i lose weight, but not good weight, muscle weight, and it is a LOT of work to give birth, I thought i was going to DIE when i had Leif, i was so exhausted. And i want to prevent that happening again. So anyway, cheer me on!! excercise is NOT my forte!! i'll enjoy getting back into my Cindy seminars though!!!

One more thing. Can I ask for your prayers? today 2 major things are happening.. my grandmother is getting a much needed surgery, and she's old and frail even though she's tough as nails :-) and My sister has her drunk driving hearing which in all likelyhood is going to go very badly for her. I just request that you all pray for God's will in each of these events and that regardless of what happens may it glorify God and promote healing for each of these special women in my life.

Thank you!!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Baruch Hashem

My dad called tonight and gleefully asked me if i remembered what "Baruch Hashem" means. I replied... Hmm... not exactly... and he quickly quipped "Praise be His name" His mood had drastically improved since yesterday when i talked to him. We are currently very close. This is not always the case. Usually, it is more like we are quite distant, even hostile. But right now things are good. He mentioned Baruch Hashem, because things had improved drastically for him and his business, and he was letting me know that he would be able to loan me some money next month for my impending potential ROOT CANALS! AAAAAAK!!! that's a whole nother story. But it occurred to me that Yes, BARUCH HASHEM! I may have a nasty case of the flu, be getting over a massive rejection and layers upon layers of humiliation resulting from that... money might be impossibly tight, I might be having a really bad hair day and smell kind of "OFF" and i might be drifting in and out of deep depression, but regardless of what the day brings, BARUCH HASHEM! Because somehow, i know that the Lord is going to make miracles happen for me. I'm exhausted and beat down and lonely and sad, but BARUCH HASHEM!!! Because tomorrow is another day and HE is right there with me, trudging through the muck.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Today was good. busy, but good. Teresa is here, and the kids, and its been so wonderful. i'm so sad that they are leaving tomorrow AM. I'm going to really miss C.J's toothless smile and Savannah's beautiful gentle spirit, and Taylor's cheerful perky disposition, and noodle's quiet steady soft cuteness and Lizzy's adorable pronunciation of words. They are like my kiddos... it still feels like i lost half my family. Teresa's ok too, LOL!!

Things have been fun but surreal. different, and exciting and a nice break. Tomorrow is going to be rough because my routine is OFF and my quiet time has been nonexistant, haven't been walking, getting back into the swing of things is going to be really really hard. And i'm scared. I still feel like i'm teetering along the side of a cliff. I'll feel totaly fine and then something will come up and will remind me of something i just want to be DONE with. i really wish we could move, just move and start over. But we can't so here i am! I just have to keep breathing in and out and putting one step in front of the other.

Anyway, someday things will be ok, i'm sure of that! so i'm just going to wait for someday and until then just soak it in, all of it, love, pain, fear, nausea, what ever it is, bring it ON! and breathe...

Friday, November 7, 2008


isn't it funny how when God gives you information it doesn't come in little bits, gradually trickling in like a drippy garden hose but rather shoots out like it instantly turned on full blast. WOW. I asked and God is providing! Dang.... my new mentor Stacy has been showing me the most amazing things. Its funny because up until a month or so ago, i never really realized there was something really WRONG with me. I mean something deeply deeply WRONG. But after having worked through my issues for several years, and then having several years of calm, the time had again come and i was able to see myself without the filter that i usually saw through. The clarity was there and i could see that while everything seemed just fine, things were NOT fine. I learned that all my life i lacked a covering. My dad never provided that for me. i went from pretty much birth to when i married andy without any protection of any kind. I went through childhood abused and tormented and each time something would happen, it would reinforce the idea that satan had planted that i am horribly horribly defective. Because why would my stepmother hate a little 5yo child if she wasn't unlovable or bad, or evil. And that's only one side of my messed up family situation, the other side was even worse. But i'm not going to get into that. I will say, however that that whole childhood left me feeling like i didn't have any kind of worth, but the thing was i didn't realize it. I didn't realize that i felt that i didn't have the right to defend my body, as a young teen dating older boys. I have NEVER felt that i had a right in any way to trouble anyone with my problems or my issues. And whenever anything bad has happened in my adult life, i have heaped the blame square on my own shoulders. And i would repent over and over again but the guilt never seemed to go away. Or it would but gradually would be replaced when my guard was down. I now recognize the importance of having my husband's covering to safeguard me. Why did satan go to eve and not adam? because she's a woman and with that amazing sensitivity that we women have comes a very deep vulnerability. I NEED Andy's protection, every second of every day, because he is the one God has put in my life to cover me. Its remarkable, when we first dated, and my waist was significantly smaller, it was the most soothing thing, that he could wrap his arms around me almost double. I felt so SAFE with him. And i still do. Thank GOD that he is the "chaser" in our relationship because that affords me the tiniest bit of security. But after so many years of hating myself and not even realizing it, i was made aware of what i'm doing, and how horribly self destructive i'm being. WOW, it was an eye opener to say the least. and what's more, when i deride myself and constantly insult the very core of my being, i'm also insulting the spirit of God who lives inside of me. Would i go to God and say "you are HIDEOUS!" "YOU are so UGLY" "YOU are FAT and USELESS and completely UNLOVABLE" Of course not. Not only is it ludicrous but its blasphemous! But that is EXACTLY what i do when i say those things to myself. its a sin, and nothing less. But like every other sin, its forgivable and its fixable. With God's help i'm going to dig out that little sliver of self hatred that satan has planted deep inside me and God is going to take this mess and turn it into something beautiful. God can take my life and turn it around to glorify Him just as soon as i allow him to do so, and i am GOING to do that!!! Starting NOW!!!

Monday, November 3, 2008


Today is a good day!! I missed my walk because Leif kept wanting to nurse and then finally got up, and by then, i needed to work on school. Dh has said its time to crack down on working a LOT more dilligently with schoolwork, so saturday we sat down and figured out how we could make the days work more manageably so i can get done the humongous amount of stuff done that needs to be done. Today is going well. A few things came up that threw off our plan, but only minor things, like that i was planning to do math first, but was unable to so now we will do it last but its only 939 and all we have left to do is history and math, so i'd say that's pretty good! Daylight Savings is working so much to our advantage! today anyway!!

I finally started reading the book "created to be his helpmeet" By Debi Pearl, which Teresa has been trying to get me to read for months... It is making SO much sense. So far i've read about how God created woman to be a helper to her husband. Which obviously is NOT a PC suggestion and one i've resisted for a long time. But the thing is, i'm a Christian woman and i believe the Bible to be inerrant. If that is so, then i must accept this concept which is WELL supported in scripture. I'm blessed also that i don't have a dh who will take advantage and abuse that. I think though that love is limited if you hold something back. To give of yourself is to give your WHOLE self, and take whatever risks that entails. I know that Andy has given his whole self to ME and i think its time i did the same. So anyway, I'm looking forward to continuing my study and learning more. Today my focus is to think of ways that i can be helpful to Andy, to think of what his perfect helpmeet would be like and to BE that person! To the best of my ability of course. So today i made us a hot breakfast and made his sandwhich for lunch. We read our Bible readings, talked a bit and i sent him off, hopefully well equipped to have a great day and to share Christ with others. I think a while back when i was trying so hard to get my mind off stuff, i was on the right track but focusing on serving others, when i should have started with the proper chain of assistance which is...

church family

First priority when it comes to serving, after God is Andy! DUH! Sometimes its hard to learn the simplest things, then you look back and it is obvious JUST how simple those things are!! Anyway, things are looking up! Please pray for me, anyone who is reading. And i'll pray for you too, whoever you may be!