Friday, November 7, 2008


isn't it funny how when God gives you information it doesn't come in little bits, gradually trickling in like a drippy garden hose but rather shoots out like it instantly turned on full blast. WOW. I asked and God is providing! Dang.... my new mentor Stacy has been showing me the most amazing things. Its funny because up until a month or so ago, i never really realized there was something really WRONG with me. I mean something deeply deeply WRONG. But after having worked through my issues for several years, and then having several years of calm, the time had again come and i was able to see myself without the filter that i usually saw through. The clarity was there and i could see that while everything seemed just fine, things were NOT fine. I learned that all my life i lacked a covering. My dad never provided that for me. i went from pretty much birth to when i married andy without any protection of any kind. I went through childhood abused and tormented and each time something would happen, it would reinforce the idea that satan had planted that i am horribly horribly defective. Because why would my stepmother hate a little 5yo child if she wasn't unlovable or bad, or evil. And that's only one side of my messed up family situation, the other side was even worse. But i'm not going to get into that. I will say, however that that whole childhood left me feeling like i didn't have any kind of worth, but the thing was i didn't realize it. I didn't realize that i felt that i didn't have the right to defend my body, as a young teen dating older boys. I have NEVER felt that i had a right in any way to trouble anyone with my problems or my issues. And whenever anything bad has happened in my adult life, i have heaped the blame square on my own shoulders. And i would repent over and over again but the guilt never seemed to go away. Or it would but gradually would be replaced when my guard was down. I now recognize the importance of having my husband's covering to safeguard me. Why did satan go to eve and not adam? because she's a woman and with that amazing sensitivity that we women have comes a very deep vulnerability. I NEED Andy's protection, every second of every day, because he is the one God has put in my life to cover me. Its remarkable, when we first dated, and my waist was significantly smaller, it was the most soothing thing, that he could wrap his arms around me almost double. I felt so SAFE with him. And i still do. Thank GOD that he is the "chaser" in our relationship because that affords me the tiniest bit of security. But after so many years of hating myself and not even realizing it, i was made aware of what i'm doing, and how horribly self destructive i'm being. WOW, it was an eye opener to say the least. and what's more, when i deride myself and constantly insult the very core of my being, i'm also insulting the spirit of God who lives inside of me. Would i go to God and say "you are HIDEOUS!" "YOU are so UGLY" "YOU are FAT and USELESS and completely UNLOVABLE" Of course not. Not only is it ludicrous but its blasphemous! But that is EXACTLY what i do when i say those things to myself. its a sin, and nothing less. But like every other sin, its forgivable and its fixable. With God's help i'm going to dig out that little sliver of self hatred that satan has planted deep inside me and God is going to take this mess and turn it into something beautiful. God can take my life and turn it around to glorify Him just as soon as i allow him to do so, and i am GOING to do that!!! Starting NOW!!!

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