Thursday, November 19, 2009

Slow fade

I saw this video on facebook and it blew me away.

Watch it- its worth your 5 minutes. It was really close to home for me because i've been there. Except it wasn't dh, it was me.

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, there's a time period about a year ago when i completely fell apart. My life was crumbling, and it wasn't a good time to talk about it, but i'm ready now. I'm sharing my story because if you don't think it could happen to you, you are WRONG. It could happen to anyone, and i know this, because it happened to me. That's not to say that i have delusions of being this perfect person, i DON'T! However, i DO strive to serve the Lord in all that i do. I've made that choice to sacrifice MY will to being a servant to others and to God, and i take that VERY seriously. And i can testify to the fact that this can happen to ANYONE.

Our family was close to another family we knew and had a lot in common with. We did so much together, we had so much in common and became quick friends. It wasn't long before things started to change. My relationship with Andy started to deteriorate. He was going through things in his life that were hard and instead of realizing he was having depressive issues and needed help, i took his coldness and distance personally and thought it was about me. At the same time, the male person in the couple we'd become close friends with was validating me, and we talked a lot and developed a close friendship. We talked about our marriage issues (um, WRONG!! alarm bell should have been sounding big time here!!) I didn't realize at that time that you can NOT be close friends with a member of the opposite sex when you are married, you just can't.

I started to really look forward to his phone calls, and that was my first clue that something was WRONG, but i ignored it. Truth be told, i LIKED it and didn't really want things to change. Teresa was there for me the whole time, and from the time i called her and told her the unspeakable, she was there replacing my irrational thoughts with TRUTH. She was one of the people i credit with saving my life, literally, because when it all came out, i was NOT interested in life much at all.

I knew that i had to make a choice one way or another because no matter how cruddy i thought Andy was at this point, he sure did deserve better than this. So i told him. At that point he was watching me like a hawk, understandably, and things just got worse and worse. Everything came to a head on our 14th anniversary, when andy showed up home early from work with a dozen roses, a starbucks and a beautiful card. at this point i realized- this man LOVES ME. And you know what? i love him too! we have 5 beautiful children together, we can work this out. And i told him i was willing to surrender my life to him and completely end whatever twisted relationship i had going on with this other guy. We went for a LONG walk and talked and talked. And that further cemented my choice.

That afternoon, i met with the other guy, and the unspoken became spoken and i told him that i had strong feelings for him but i needed to choose my family. The fact is that when you have 2 spouses and 8 children between two couples, you just don't have the luxury of being able to make whatever choice you want, because it ISN'T all about you anymore!! It was weird- really really WEIRD, and that sucked. And what sucked more, is that he immediately told his wife. and that REALLY REALLY sucked because it turned my whole life into one awkward mess. We were a LOT of places at the same time, and it had become one mess of weirdness. I finally told a mutual friend, that i REALLY thought was going to hate my guts when i told her the truth, and she was THERE for me every step of the way she was so sensitive and kind, and loving. She is what a true Christian is, loving in the face of sin.

So then i ended up going to MOPS which was a whole nother God-thing, but i don't have long to type so i'll keep it short, and i was placed at my friend Stacy's table. She immediately struck me as someone who knew what she was talking about i could tell immediately that she was a believer. Our table went out on mom's nights and eventually i told the ladies at my table what happened, and Stacy in particular, since she often gave me rides places. I was a MESS. I had pretty much given up on life and felt overwhelmingly like a complete failure. I felt unforgivable, unlovable, betrayed, angry, just a litany of destructive emotions. Stacy spoke TRUTH to me and managed to convince me that i was NOT unforgivable, that none of what i'd told myself repeatedly was true and that God had a purpose for even all this, that SOME day i could use all that to glorify HIM. WOW, what a breath of fresh air, and truth be told, it took me a while to absorb and believe it. Really, lots of others had tried to tell me the same things, but my thoughts focused only on those telling me that i was rotten. It was hard to hear that i was simply a person who made a MISTAKE.

There's still aftermath to all that going down. I got pregnant a month later (surprise! and then a few months later found it it was TWINS! (DOUBLE surprise!) and so our life has again shifted into the realm of the insane unknown but what has changed is my attitude. I KNOW now that God is with me, I thank him every day for providing those people that helped me through this time period and acknowledge HIM as the one who provided those gems and kept me alive when i very much didn't want to be, and as being the one who out of the mess of my marriage created not one but TWO immortal souls. WOW! I have been trying to apologize for a while to the woman who's husband i coveted and its not going well, but i suppose i'll keep trying, and keep in perspective how I'D feel, were the tables turned. I'm just trying to do the right thing, and its still really hard because the negative thoughts still come up, and i have to remind myself WHO i am. Its a struggle, but i'm pressing on. And Stacy was right, this CAN and WILL be used to as a testimony of what our God can do.

1 comment:

Prasti said...

wow. thanks for sharing this and for your honesty. i think that sometimes the Lord allows us to become completely broken in order to help us realize that we need Him to put us back together and draw us closer to Him.

thanks for stopping by today :)