SLACKER!!!

wow... i can't believe its been a month since i've posted! Well, actually, i can. Its been Chaos here. With a fedex driver dh the whole christmas season is a nightmare and i'm SO GLAD its passed! Anyhow, Today is my sweet Nikolas' 11th birthday. I can't believe its been so long. He's growing in to such a wonderful young man. I'm so blessed to have him! PLease join me in praying for this little guy's life and future that he might grow to be a Godly man, and might touch the lives of all he comes into contact with in an amazing way!

The second thing i wanted to talk about today is blessings. Last night Dh prompted a discussion at the dinner table about what we were thankful for, which seemed odd to me, being Christmas, not thanksgiving, but its never the wrong day to be thankful, so i thought hard about it, and what i came up with is that I'm thankful for the blessings that God provides that we 1. don't know about. or 2. don't realize are blessings at the time, like say... me getting pregnant with ALEX well before planned, and 3. blessings that you know are blessings but don't know the depth of that blessing. The most ready example of that is the twins. We THOUGHT we had been blessed with a new baby growing in me for Christmas last year, and we were SORT of right! What we didn't know is obvious now! that we had not one but TWO babies on the way!!! I wonder how many blessings we recieve that we don't even KNOW the magnitude of that we may not come to discover till months or years later or maybe never? it just reminded me how bountifully our Lord blesses us!!

Fun times!!

Yesterday was about the funnest day in AGES! Andy came home at like 9:30, they had too many people scheduled so they let him leave early (YAY!! till we get next week's paycheck anyway!) and so we went out with just the twins and went to get my bloodwork done, HUGE long wait, and then went out for greek pizza buffet, at the former "its greek to me" which now has become "Viggianos" and isn't nearly as good... oh well. I was just as pleased as punch just to be able to TALK to my hubby. ITs been a rough stretch lately. then we ran some errands and went SHOPPING! woohoo! to Target with a gift card i still had from my baby shower. We bought a new scrabble, ours is thrashed, and hungry hungry hippos for thanksgiving, and a few other things. and finally we went home. We had all of about an hour before heading off to our evening appointment at the dr's for the twins and my crazy mama appt.

The twins were doing well, aside from Elliott having some rattle in his chest, so the Dr. put him on liquid albuterol, which i've been told is wretched, but so far doesn't seem to be causing him any side affects that i can see. My meds got upped, which is probably a good thing. Andy doesn't like the side effects so much. He was like, "She DOUBLED that wretched medication?!?" Did i ever mention how much I LOVE our doctor? She is so awesomely family friendly, has a cute little practice out of a converted house, they always have Christian music playing and the receptionist, her sister is such a sweetie.. Not to mention Dr. herself! They are like family to us. SO COOL! I find i'm really appreciating the "God given family" connections we've been blessed with.

Speaking of which i'm trying REALLY hard to have a good attitude about Thanksgiving! (to be thankful?!) its such a depressing time for me, since its just us. NOW, i know there's a LOT of us, and i shouldn't have an attitude, and its my job to be thankful in every circumstance. And i am, i'm just a bit melancholic remembering how Thanksgiving was when i was a kid with HUGE extended family get togethers, and even just a few years ago when our best friends the Matz' hosted at their church and we had SO much fun. What an amazing time of fellowship, and food and games... sigh.. so i'm determined to NOT let my attitude rub off on everyone else. Its NOT fair to them, and i know i'm still quite a bit down with the PPD AND my meds being increased means i'm going to be a bit wonky for a while. So if i am cry-ish, i'm going to hide out and do my best to put on a happy face.

So this is me for now! i have done a TON of layouts, i really need to post to my scrappy blog! Typing time is at a premium lately..

later..
R

Sick little twinnies....

Ugg.. they have the really bad cough again, asher has the eye boogers again. Thankfully their well baby check is tomorrow anyway. And thankfully we have little planned this week! last week was a DOOZY. I'm kind of zombified right now too... Seriously, Elena from MOPS called last night wondering if i was going to be coming tomorrow to help with thanksgiving baskets and my mind went totally blank and i was like... no... i can't come.. i have school with the kids... LOL. I must have sounded so DUMB! The correct answer was "No, i can't come, i have sick babies and don't want to bring them out more than necessary." But my brain was so obliterated from being up nursing the little buggers all night last night that intelligent thought just escapes me! SERIOUSLY, its BAD! i was at my Dave Ramsey class last night and was trying to articulate WHY the lesson was not coming from a Christian worldview, and i sounded like a moron. ugg. It will be nice to get my brain back.

Anyhow, an update on the little guys- At 4 mos old, Asher is coming in at a whopping 18 lbs 10 oz and Elliott is 17 lbs 3 oz. They are so precious and sweet and normally sleep really well. When they aren't coughing themselves awake they have been sleeping through the night for quite a while now. They have started noticing each other's presence and Elliott has MUCH better hand eye coordination and likes to hold asher's hand. Asher seems to appreciate that too but has a much harder time grasping elliott's hand, though he did get his thigh in a headlock and suck on his toes once. Here's a pic, its super cute

And while i'm at it, here's their 3 month portrait. Asher is on the left, and elliott on the right

So... that's about it... they are starting to fuss, think its bottle time (for a change, LOL!!!!)
R

stuff...

So I was thinking the past few days... never around a computer, YIKES, i should go delete that last post, and pretty much decided to do so, but then i thought, NO. Because the PURPOSE of this blog, one of them anyway, i also really appreciate the opportunity to unload, but the primary purpose of this blog is to share how God is working in my life, and God works in my life in ways that are not only positive but are negative, and scary and sad, and wrong. I don't mean that God's work is this way but the events in my life and the feelings they provoke. I think that is what makes my life so much of an amazing testimony to the power of God, that i AM so imperfect and prone to making mistakes! i have NO problem putting that out there, becuase its not ME that deserves the praise. I SO often get comments, well, bazillions of them in every possible type, but one thing i get a lot is "wow... you must be so.. (insert adjective here- Patient, etc.) and my reply is that NO! you can tell how much God is working on me by virtue of the fact that he gave me 7 children!! Its crucial that I, and YOU and everyone, maintains a right view of what is going on in your life. Triumphs are due to GOD ALONE. I can say definitively that it is NOT I that has caused success in my life. I didn't even KNOW what success looked like! i THOUGHT success was being a high powered attorney. God has given me the gift of being a good communicator. I'm good at articulating my thoughts, particularily in writing, and in arguing, picking out logical fallacies, etc, and being a lawyer SEEMED like the right course of action for a future career, but God quickly showed me otherwise- (Andy and Alex) And since then, its become clear to me that my skills are WELL utilized by being a mom, teacher and manager of our home. I think people seem to think that only stupid people would stay home and raise their children. I think that's why so many people consider raising children to be an afterthought.
Ie. "what do you do?"
"OH, i'm a bank teller"
Now, logically, this person would have MUCH greater impact in her mothering than as a bank teller, (no offense to bank teller's intended!) but women still tend to identify themselves with their PAID job, not their most IMPORTANT job. Anyway, while my job may not pay very well now, the payoff of 7 well balanced Christ centered, law abiding adults will be HUGE! (and i fully expect a WHOLE LOTTA GRANDCHILDREN! woohoo!)

So now i must go, and i didn't even GET to my original planned typing- wanted to talk about church today. But that will have to wait till later because i can't spend all afternoon on the computer and i haven't even checked my email! whew, busy sunday!

Slow fade

I saw this video on facebook and it blew me away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-8SYA6rfbs

Watch it- its worth your 5 minutes. It was really close to home for me because i've been there. Except it wasn't dh, it was me.

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, there's a time period about a year ago when i completely fell apart. My life was crumbling, and it wasn't a good time to talk about it, but i'm ready now. I'm sharing my story because if you don't think it could happen to you, you are WRONG. It could happen to anyone, and i know this, because it happened to me. That's not to say that i have delusions of being this perfect person, i DON'T! However, i DO strive to serve the Lord in all that i do. I've made that choice to sacrifice MY will to being a servant to others and to God, and i take that VERY seriously. And i can testify to the fact that this can happen to ANYONE.

Our family was close to another family we knew and had a lot in common with. We did so much together, we had so much in common and became quick friends. It wasn't long before things started to change. My relationship with Andy started to deteriorate. He was going through things in his life that were hard and instead of realizing he was having depressive issues and needed help, i took his coldness and distance personally and thought it was about me. At the same time, the male person in the couple we'd become close friends with was validating me, and we talked a lot and developed a close friendship. We talked about our marriage issues (um, WRONG!! alarm bell should have been sounding big time here!!) I didn't realize at that time that you can NOT be close friends with a member of the opposite sex when you are married, you just can't.

I started to really look forward to his phone calls, and that was my first clue that something was WRONG, but i ignored it. Truth be told, i LIKED it and didn't really want things to change. Teresa was there for me the whole time, and from the time i called her and told her the unspeakable, she was there replacing my irrational thoughts with TRUTH. She was one of the people i credit with saving my life, literally, because when it all came out, i was NOT interested in life much at all.

I knew that i had to make a choice one way or another because no matter how cruddy i thought Andy was at this point, he sure did deserve better than this. So i told him. At that point he was watching me like a hawk, understandably, and things just got worse and worse. Everything came to a head on our 14th anniversary, when andy showed up home early from work with a dozen roses, a starbucks and a beautiful card. at this point i realized- this man LOVES ME. And you know what? i love him too! we have 5 beautiful children together, we can work this out. And i told him i was willing to surrender my life to him and completely end whatever twisted relationship i had going on with this other guy. We went for a LONG walk and talked and talked. And that further cemented my choice.

That afternoon, i met with the other guy, and the unspoken became spoken and i told him that i had strong feelings for him but i needed to choose my family. The fact is that when you have 2 spouses and 8 children between two couples, you just don't have the luxury of being able to make whatever choice you want, because it ISN'T all about you anymore!! It was weird- really really WEIRD, and that sucked. And what sucked more, is that he immediately told his wife. and that REALLY REALLY sucked because it turned my whole life into one awkward mess. We were a LOT of places at the same time, and it had become one mess of weirdness. I finally told a mutual friend, that i REALLY thought was going to hate my guts when i told her the truth, and she was THERE for me every step of the way she was so sensitive and kind, and loving. She is what a true Christian is, loving in the face of sin.

So then i ended up going to MOPS which was a whole nother God-thing, but i don't have long to type so i'll keep it short, and i was placed at my friend Stacy's table. She immediately struck me as someone who knew what she was talking about i could tell immediately that she was a believer. Our table went out on mom's nights and eventually i told the ladies at my table what happened, and Stacy in particular, since she often gave me rides places. I was a MESS. I had pretty much given up on life and felt overwhelmingly like a complete failure. I felt unforgivable, unlovable, betrayed, angry, just a litany of destructive emotions. Stacy spoke TRUTH to me and managed to convince me that i was NOT unforgivable, that none of what i'd told myself repeatedly was true and that God had a purpose for even all this, that SOME day i could use all that to glorify HIM. WOW, what a breath of fresh air, and truth be told, it took me a while to absorb and believe it. Really, lots of others had tried to tell me the same things, but my thoughts focused only on those telling me that i was rotten. It was hard to hear that i was simply a person who made a MISTAKE.

There's still aftermath to all that going down. I got pregnant a month later (surprise! and then a few months later found it it was TWINS! (DOUBLE surprise!) and so our life has again shifted into the realm of the insane unknown but what has changed is my attitude. I KNOW now that God is with me, I thank him every day for providing those people that helped me through this time period and acknowledge HIM as the one who provided those gems and kept me alive when i very much didn't want to be, and as being the one who out of the mess of my marriage created not one but TWO immortal souls. WOW! I have been trying to apologize for a while to the woman who's husband i coveted and its not going well, but i suppose i'll keep trying, and keep in perspective how I'D feel, were the tables turned. I'm just trying to do the right thing, and its still really hard because the negative thoughts still come up, and i have to remind myself WHO i am. Its a struggle, but i'm pressing on. And Stacy was right, this CAN and WILL be used to as a testimony of what our God can do.

how things are going

First, i need to point out my wonderfully brilliant son, Alex, helped to put together the super cute scrolling family icon thingy on the side of the page, after a tutorial posted by Lucy Chesna on facebook. Thanks Lucy! Thanks Alex! super cute! really had to crunch those little people in there, LOL, gotta love having a big family, its a bit like real life :-D

Ok, so anyway, things are going pretty well.. after gettin ga brief but nasty cold on monday, i took my cold calm all day and by yesterday was feeling much better. Today i'm pretty much back to normal but am still taking it easy. I think my new meds are working. Its been a week now and i'm not as absent minded, i'm not crying nearly as much and i'm not having the problem where i forget what i did 5 minutes prior. Seriously, i was really stressing out because i had to dump several bottles of formula because after doing the first scoop, i couldn't remember if i'd done 2 scoops or just 1. i also was having issues remembering if i'd taken my meds or not, so i'm glad that my new meds come on pages that you break one out, so i can do the math if i think i've forgotten. This PPD has been so weird! Anyway, i'm doing much better, and while i'm still really emotional i'm doing better. I'm taking the rest of the week off school and trying to get the house in order. Today the goal is decluttering. and scrapping. :-)

new plan of attack.

Ok, so my old plan of trying to improve every aspect of my life simultaneously has completely crashed and burned, so I decided to take the rest of the week off from school and just focus on taking care of myself and the babies. I don't think andy is particularly pleased about that but its totally necessary. I need time for the new meds to start to work. And i'm prepared to do the same next week if necessary. I'm making sure i'm doing my walking every day, my Bible study every day, and everything else is frosting. Well, not entirely, i am keeping up with cooking, which is surprisingly easy not being on bedrest anymore, and am not loosening up on finances and bargain shopping because we can't afford to. Finances are also at crisis point so i'm dealing with crises and letting non crises go right now. I feel totally justified in that because our school year has so far gone BETTER than any other year, despite having 4 to teach, a 3yo human tornado, and newborn twins. So its all good, we'll just hold our 6 week schedule for next week and it will be fine. So anyway, i have a new plan and i'm feeling confident. OH and today walking, my side didn't hurt until 11 minutes in, unlike the usual 8 :-)