Wow....

Ok, so i almost dare not say a thing, for fear that i'll suddenly find myself awakened from a dream and not really living this life for real, but i dare say that after 2 years of living in the pits of despair, things might be looking up!

I really truly mean it too, i know i'm prone to melodrama, but truly, the last two years almost exactly, two years, have been a test of my ability to persevere in a big way. I've been hit with virtually every trial imaginable. Ok, well that is melodramatic. I haven't faced EVERY trial but i have faced enough to leave me sick, heartbroken, on the brink of divorce, on the brink of life, dehydrated enough to be on an iv, shaped like a beach ball... the list goes on and on.

And truth be told, the trials are FAR from over. I've cautiously initiated contact with family after a 15 yr estrangement, i'm still trying to keep the twins from killing each other. I have the busiest schedule that i have EVER had. i'm still trying to figure out how to fit my light therapy, exercise and creative time into my schedule, I'm also trying to keep my 1yo twins from killing themselves and each other, which has been QUITE a challenge.

But i just have this feeling like things are going to be ok. I'm embarking on this incredibly cool ministry opportunity that is looking like its going to be BIG and AMAZING, i'm building relationships, babies are still alive. God has so blessed me. Just thought i'd share :-)

Today

Today i was sitting outside, doing my Bible study, (outside is the BEST place for that! not only is it relatively free from kid noise but its got a more pleasant noise all its own, birds, trees, wind...) and i was contemplating how amazing it all is. It floors me that anyone could so much as open their eyes in the morning and not be struck by the miracle that all this in front of us, behind us, and within us is. Much less that they could ever in their wildest imaginations believe this all evolved from nothing. Its ludicrous, plain and simple. I don't know how to explain why SO many do. It doesn't even make sense to me.

On a practical note, we are 1. getting our new to us dryer today! YAY! and also are going shopping at costco, so i SHOULD be working on my memo, but i'm not. I'm here.. marveling and thinking... AAK! bottle washing must be done. Another super short twin baby mama post from me, like usual.

stuff

The time escaped me again. The twins' birthday went BEAUTIFULLY well, and we got lots of great pictures, and even a video of elliott grabbing the top off asher's cake :) very cute.

Things are otherwise going pretty well... Leif's bd party is coming up on sunday. His actual birthday was yesterday but my friend JoAnn is having Maddie's bd (the twins born two days later buddy) on saturday so sunday it is! Its busy, i'm getting ready to start school on monday, August 2, which is a new thing for us, but i'm wanting to ease into a routine and ease into all the subjects and for that we need an extra month.

Today

Today i'm up and i'm starting over. i need to get up so i can have some time to wake up in peace without people demanding stuff of me. Had a BIG argument with andy about that yesterday and I don't want to revisit THAT. So I think the only way to resolve this situation is to sacrifice sleep to make it happen, which i'm actually not supposed to, since i'm supposed to sleep a good amount at night to keep the PPD at bay, but i'm hoping this will at least spur me on to having a decent bedtime. The nighttime with its quietness is so intoxicating for me.

Anyway, during my Bible study this morning, i realized that i have to FOCUS on the race. If i spend my whole life lamenting that my mommy doesn't love me that's all i'll be able to think about. I have to move on. And that's hard, but what can I do about it? NOTHING, so might as well pick myself up and move on, keeping the whole situation marinated in prayer.

So, that is what i shall do. Now, the day is at hand, and there's much to be done. I'm about to catch a webinar on teaching math, and at 10 i have a dr. appt, me, and the twins. We are then meeting Amy and JoAnn in Auburn for a park playdate, and at SOME point i really need to order birthday cake for the twins and their own individual cupcakes, at Costco and QFC respectively.

I'm thinking we will have salmon chowder for dinner tonight if i can get it in the crockpot in time.

Dealing...

Sometimes i just am obsessed with wishing things could be different. I know its useless. I know its a pointless waste of time, but being created with the knowledge of what is RIGHT and what it was SUPPOSED to be like, and was like before sin, is hard. Its a process, and someday i know that God will help me fully to not feel that gap in my life. But right now i'm sad. Time to up my meds again i guess... Sometimes i wonder if i will ever be a whole person.

My list-

wow... i haven't posted since FEBRUARY?!? REALLY? i guess i got distracted with my new homeschooling blog But here I am and i'm on a new mission.

Ok, so the thing is, i had a really rough childhood. I have PTSD and right now, i remember only spotty bits of it. I was molested from the time i was a toddler, i was manipulated, i was nearly destroyed, but for the grace of God, i'm sure one of my many suicide attempts/desires would have succeeded. But God has a bigger plan for me than that. I was enlightened by my brilliant friend Stacy that What i really need is to take back what was stolen from me, and obviously that would be a really really hard series of things to do, but If i can succeed, i can come out on the other side and really be a light to others who have been hurt in similar ways.

First, I need to acknowledge what was stolen from me.

- My innocence.
- My trust of men.
- My memories of childhood.
- My ability to feel loved
- My ability to function fully intimately with my husband without unwanted psychological intrusions
- My confidence in myself
- My ability to look anyone in the eye.
- My ability to have a healthy relationship with food.
- Having a mother
- Being able to sleep without fear
- Being free from irrational fears
- Being free from horrendous flashbacks.

I'm sure there's more. I'll add to it later... i was also going to make a list of what i'm taking back but this is too draining and i'm tired and distracted anyway.

a review: Timberdoodle graphic novels.

Hey all! its been a long time... been busy, crazy busy... yesterday after the weirdest most unnerving episode of neurological insanity, i went to the ER and discovered i did NOT have a brain tumor OR a stroke, which is fantastic. I do have an inner ear problem. either just regular calcifications that will fall off and go away soon on their own, or else potentially a hereditary ear defect. I need to do some auditory testing. At any rate i'm so glad its not TOO bad. Just Vertigo, which is crazy and is making my life difficult but won't kill me. But, back to the task at hand,

As soon as i received these, i KNEW i had to tell everyone I know about them! Then Timberdoodle posted a promo for a discount if you review something or do some other things, and i was all over that.

First, i saw these when they first started selling them but only just got around to buying them last week. here's a picture from Timberdoodle
This set is only $16.95 and that is a HUGE HUGE discount. So at that price, i knew it was worth a shot. My 11 yo LOVES comic books, and i've noticed about comic books that they tend to be 1. pretty immodest and 2. very unintelligent. I knew since Timberdoodle sold these graphic novels that they'd be neither of the above, so along with lots of other things on my wishlist, i bought these. I received them and was genuinely surprised at how they looked. First, when i picture "graphic novel" the first thing that pops into my mind is "comic book." You know, cheesy design, super flimsy paper cover, newsprint paper that the ink rubs off of... you get my drift! Well, THESE "graphic novels" could not be FURTHER from that description! They are like regular softcover books, with a good design, durable cover and nice, bright pages. both my 11 and 8yo were transfixed by them and read and read. I know i need to add the other volumes to our collection.

Anyway, if you'd considered these, i'd say GO FOR IT and especially the vastly discounted set though the others are definately worth the money!!! here's a link to buy them http://www.timberdoodle.com/Stories_From_History_Set_of_10_Graphic_Novels_p/332-600.htm
Rebecca