Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Boy, am i having a crap week! finding out i was pregnant necessitated going off a medication i was on, and really super fast too, and specifically, the going off of that medication results in neurological side effects, weird head buzzing, dizziness.. well, i've had that, and hallucinations on the worst day, which was about 10 days ago. But now i'm off it completely, only slightly dizzy and only the usual preggo symptoms, which for me is horrendous nausea, coupled with this cold i have, is a real pain in the rear. I cough like there's no tomorrow, which initiates the gag reflex... sigh... i'm a mess. Plus, with my head being clearer, i've had more opportunity to think about a situation in my life that won't go AWAY, and that sucks, and to top it off, my dad is visiting, which is a whole nother category of stress. So i'm about at the limit. I'm angry and sick and realy feeling like an IDIOT. I'm not saying the specifics, but there's a situation in my life that for the last couple months has eaten away at me. you'd think that a person who's been hurt by others as much as I have, would have learned to be suspicious and NOT trust others but i'm the OPPOSITE. WHY???? Honestly, i'm trying really hard not to be negative, but for crying out loud, how many times do i have to be SOLD OUT to get that i am a sucky judge of character. Men are the WORST. Men are HORRIBLE. i'm staying way the heck clear of the bastards. Except for family. And so, here i am, trying to move on, and every week, like clockwork, its smeared right in my face. And i'm EXHAUSTED from being SO angry. But i HAVE to be angry. its the ONLY way i can possibly deal with it. i guess, maybe someday, something will change and i'll be able to find some kind of normalcy. Because leaving the situation is not a possibility, and i'm working VERY hard to not be angry about that. Because if i had MY way, we would be moving on. BUT as its been pointed out to me, i am not the center of the universe, and my needs come DEAD LAST. So life really really sucks right now. I know i just need to get distracted, to concentrate on the miracle that is growing inside of me. To be a good wife and mother, to exercise when i dont feel like it and to eat my vegetables. That's the point of being a Christian, right? to focus on others needs ahead of your own? WHY can SO many other Christians GET there and here i am STUCK. sigh... who knows... i need a nap. i seriously need to kick the nausea because we are going out for GREEK PIZZA BUFFET tonight! WOOOHOO and i need to be able to eat something!!

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