how i'm doing

Well, i went from Wednesday- crying pretty much ALL day long, same with Thursday, only part of the day friday... and on and on.. so i think my cry-meter indicates that i'm doing a little better with the shock of the whole thing...

I'm still stressing quite a bit about the whole birth scenario... i went from being virtually NO risk to super high risk in one ultrasound session. I was planning a home (well, freestanding birth center, but essentially the same thing) water birth, and now i'm told, nope! No home, no water, no moving around, IV the whole time.. and it stresses me out! The thing is, that i, having done this 5 times already really KNOW how birth works. I KNOW that birth is HARD. I'm not one of those people that has nice, fast, easy births. I wake up in the middle of the night, on a thursday, (always!) with contractions, and i labor through the day friday, things pick up friday evening, and baby is born sometime in the middle of friday/saturday night. So like Anna was born around 1 am,(if i remember right) same with Chloe, Leif, being 10.5 lbs was born at 5 am! LOL. So its not quick, its NOT easy, but is SAFE!!! My midwife KNOWS me, and knows what is dangerous for ME, so i have that safety net. i KNOW what to expect, HECK, i even know that i ONLY have babies on the WEEKEND! I am nearly certain both Anna and Leif would have been Csecs with a doctor, because some strange doctor does NOT know me, and know what's safe for ME and does NOT want to get sued, and that takes heavy priority over ME.

Problem IS, that i ALSO know how seriously dangerous interventions are! And i know that drugs, which i'm sure i would have gladly gobbled up in my previous births, had i access, would likely depress my system and slow down birth, as would epidural intervention. Many drugs also could go through the placenta, slowing my babies body systems and potentially requiring a quick evacuation. Epidurals come with a myriad of side effects, including potential wrenching headaches, which i am prone to begin with, so NOT ideal. and if i don't go into labor by 38 weeks, then i'd be a candidate for induction, which makes contractions THAT much harder.

I also know that laying on your back in labor is the WORST position to be in. The birth canal curves upward which means flat on your back the contractions have to not only help expel the babies, but also literally PUSH them uphill. That's just stupid. No way around it, WHY would you put yourself through that unnecessarily? And short of being numb or unconscious it is NOT necessary, BUT its likely still the medical standard. So where does that leave me?

NOW, this is all still speaking of only the natural aspect of birth... IF baby A is breech or transverse, then i for sure have to have a C-sec. If baby B is breech or transverse and the doctor is unable to turn him, then i get to deliver one baby vaginally, and one baby c-sec. Which i think would have to be the worst case scenario, not counting infant mortality. I mean COME ON!! I can feel my blood pressure rise just thinking about it! Now, a C-sec is a major surgery. MAJOR. I knew of a lady in the homeschooling community online with 5 children who died delivering her baby C-Sec due to infection. I also had a friend locally who for some reason did not get NUMB during the surgery, and her doctor didn't believe her. I know that horror stories are just that, but STILL, major surgery is major surgery. And I for one, am not much for taking that lightly. AND i'm a big baby!!!

SO, HOW do i reconcile all this! how do i deal with it and be OK with it?! HOW can i make my mind stop OBSESSING over this because its not like i have any amount of control over ANYTHING anymore?! Any wisdom?

Thanks,
Rebecca

My ultrasound!

Well, if anyone says that God doesn't have a sense of humor, they are sorely mistaken. Today i had my 20 week ultrasound, and immediately upon placement of the doppler thingy onto my gargantuan belly, the doctor annnounced there was 2 babies in there!!!!!


YES, you read that correctly. THey are TWINS.

And if that wasn't enough, we eagerly waited while all their body parts were measured, and sure enough, two little penises were quite prominently evident! I am not only pregnant with twins but with TWIN BOYS. Now, if that isn't twisted, i don't know what is. It just occurred to me that besides my 2 girls, i now have 5 BOYS! I'm not sure why i find that so incredibly astounding, but i DO!

So, as i try to scrape my jaw off the floor, i'm having a GOOD attitude. Twins are a double blessing. I will NOT go crazy. I WILL carry them to term and have healthy babies, i CAN do this. Right? Well i know one thing for sure, God is behind in front of and THROUGH this situation, and its NOT a surprise to HIM! So its all going to be Ok.

forgiveness

My sister is here visiting for a couple of days, and its been really fun. she and the kids are inseperable, and we're getting along well too. Well, this morning she said something that really shook me... one of the kids made a "Julie" comment, which i've discouraged them from doing because while she's only my stepmom, she's Dorie and Eric's REAL mom, so you know... but she looked at me and was like, "you just have to forgive her, she was messed up herself, and there's unfinished business but you have to move on."

NOW, it was not that she said that but my immediate internal reaction that freaked me out. Immediately i thought, NO! "I" was the child, and i don't CARE if she had issues, she didn't have to give ME issues! Now, i'm a Christian and I believe that forgiveness is NECESSARY, even toward people who have horribly horribly wronged you, and i completely consider the abuse suffered at her hands to be RIGHT on par with my stepdad molesting me, it was psychological, not sexual, but very severe. However, unlike pretty much everyone else in my life who has betrayed me, SHE actually apologized to me! I REALLY thought i'd forgiven her!!! WHY?! is it so hard to not only forgive, but to figure out if you HAVE forgiven or not!!! The thing is, i know that i'm not perfect, not by a long shot, and there's no scorecard, the people that hurt you have been hurt by others, and typically YOU don't hurt the people that hurt you, you hurt others, so all balanced out, I am really no better than HER. So What's the deal then? Question of the ages i guess! Does anyone else struggle with this?

Later,
rebecca

Ok, so i thought i'd post here in case there are other frugal ones who go
through GOBS of diapers!! And any other MOPS gals, from my group, sorry for the repost! thought this was good enough to share on the blog too!

You can print coupons that have a special signature of some kind so that
retailers know they are legitimate and USUALLY, you can hit the back space and
reprint them ONE TIME and they will have a new legitimate signature... at
coupons.com its a little different, you check the coupons you want to print,
then go back to the coupon selection page, and they will be on the BACK page.
That threw me off the first time they came out! So anyway, you can do this for
each computer that you have connected to a printer. (it prints automatically so
you can't select a different printer it must be the default. ANYWAY, here's the
link for the diaper deal, i follow this gal's blog regularily, she posts
AMAZING stuff

http://www.moneysavingmom.com/money_saving_mom/2009/03/freeplusoverage-huggies-w\
ipes.html

Now, specifically, as of yesterday i used 3 $5 off coupons at Walgreens... they
were for the gentle care diapers and my walgreens only had those in size N and
1, and while i AM expecting a newborn this summer, i REALLY needed diapers for
my toddler! so i figured i'd chance it, and the coupons DID work for the
natural care ones that came in Leif's size. The difference was really tiny, and
i figured i'd chance it, Anyway, so those are on sale for $10 each, I bought 2
packs plus a $6 pack of wipes. Then i used 3$5 off coupons that i printed out.

So here's the rundown

$20 for 2 packs of diapers
$6 for a pack of wipes

- $15 in coupons, so that's

$11 after coupons... BUT that's not all! Walgreens through saturday has a deal
where if you buy $25 (before coupons) of huggies products it will print out a
$10 voucher for next time you come in! Soo... i ended up paying $1 for 2 packs
of diapers and 1 big pack of wipes!!

Very cool huh??? If you do not have a diaper wearing child, you should totally
print them out anyway, and you could give them to someone with a diapered child
or use them to buy diapers for a shower gift, or whatever! totally worth the
time!!

Anyway, i hope this is helpful!!
God Bless you all!
Rebecca

Life and death

Yesterday one of my dh's friends from work died. He had a crazy, rapid, battle with cancer, From December-March. His name was Sivasa and he had a wife and children. Its humbling and really eye opening, since he was only 12 years older than Andy. I know its definately made Andy think. I am hoping to attend the funeral saturday with him to support him in this. Hopefully everything times out well.

Life is precious isn't it? it's all so fragile and delicate and it makes me wonder how anyone can not have a belief and faith in God, and not constantly fear getting squashed by the giant foot of life. It would just be so EASY to get your candle snuffed out in any random "accident." Though, as you might have guessed by my quotes, i don't believe in accidents. In church one week, they played a clip from the movie Signs. I love this film, and its graphic depiction of one man's struggle with faith. I find it quite realistic. I'm skimming through you tube right now trying to find it... here it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8ex6-mmCT4 start at 1:35
Anyway, it talked about 2 kinds of people. People who believed in miracles and people who don't. Its WELL worth a watch.

On a different but same note, I learned yesterday that President Obama lifted federal funding restrictions on EMBRYONIC stem cell research. Why did i emphasize EMBRYONIC? Because Adult stem cells offer a huge amount of promise as well, and they can be obtained WITHOUT the killing of a human being, or harvesting of human being remains (turning the harvesting of human being remains into big business, bigger than already) So WHY is it that when you hear the phrase "stem cell research" it is nearly ALWAYS referring to embryonic stem cells? Perhaps, scientists aren't happy with limitations on how they can experiment on human beings. Perhaps they simply don't CARE about human beings that are less powerful than them, less influential, NOT influential. I am convinced that our society is no different than any other that we look back and marvel at their cruelty. Nazi germany for example: Clearly, some life was more valued than other. Jews were compared to rats. Handicapped people, old people, they were all expendable. Much is the same now. I think one of the biggest categories of people under attack are preborn infants. They are human, their humanness is undeniable, once they have the genetic material that makes them what they are, its merely a spectrum of development. People are people at conception. And yet THESE particular people are not protected by law. They can be killed, even in painful and torturous ways with no consequence to the perpetrator. Women are deceived into believing that it is for THEIR benefit that abortion is available. It isn't. Its BIG money, BIG profits and the women who perpetuate this business are as much victims as the babies they (inadvertantly?) allow to be killed. Well, embryonic stem cell research is similar, it is still the blatant disregard of life, with the guise of being in support of life.

So who cares? I care, and i believe life to be precious and a gift given by our creator. I am disturbed that life is often so carelessly discarded. I'm saddened by loss of life, even when it was naturally timed. I guess, i just was pretty well absorbed by all this yesterday and was compelled to type about it.