Tuesday, July 14, 2009

My choices

Ok, i'll just say it- I know that i'm being judged. And i shouldn't care! i get that, i know that were the tables turned i'm sure i'd be judging me too, i really GET THAT! i had my last 3 babies at home, with no medication and only ONE of them was a water birth, so i DO have my fair share of toughness, but here's the thing- i'm just trying to make life as managable and normal as possible. its not like ANY of this is how i imagined my dream birth, NAMELY that there would be more than one of them! And i'm just doing my best to roll with the punches and make the best of a series of FAR less than desirable choices. And "I" know who I am and what my limitations are. At this point, my babies are transverse, and while i COULD go to extreme measures to TRY to get them rotated, or i COULD blow of the whole medical profession altother, have my babies at home and hope they LIVED, or whatever, that's NOT what i have chosen to do. In fact, if "B" did usurp "A"s position and moved head down i'm still pretty sure i would request a Csection. And here's why- Because there's always some element of insecurity with birth, i GET that. And i think i'm doing a PRETTY good job keeping it together as is, But i am NOT NOT NOT, comfortable with having both a vaginal and a csection delivery. I'm NOT going to do that. The fact is, i have a lot of responsibility and i CANNOT be the person i'm expected to be when i'm torn up ALL OVER THE PLACE. I'm NOT going to do that to myself! Sorry for not being the perfect martyr! And that's a HUGE possibility if i opt to go natural on this birth. Secondly i'm NOT ok with my doctor reaching inside my vagina, up into my uterus and pulling my second baby out. Its just not happening. So in a way, its a huge blessing that the little guys are more comfortable horizontally.

ALL i am trying to do is maintain SOME semblance of normalcy for my family, i'm trying to survive this birth and everything that it entails psychologically for me without crossing over into the land of the completely freaking INSANE. So, if you choose to judge me, for not being that perfect person, feel free. But keep this in mind first. And feel qualified to make that judgement ONLY if you've had 2 or more babies that lived in you for 36 plus weeks. If you've spent nearly a year with overwhelming nausea, and a portion of that time throwing up every day, Judge away! If you have spent WEEKS mostly in bed while everything around you CRUMBLED, knowing somehow you'd have to put it all back together while simultaneously homeschooling 5 children and 2 extra babies, Judge on! And if the last few of those weeks you began each night going to the bathroom every 20 minutes, tapering off to 30 minutes, then to an hour, then to one glorious 3 hour stretch (on a REALLY good night) roughly equating to about 6-8 potty trips per 9 hour sleeping period, then most certainly you can judge me. If you spent weeks where it hurt to be laying down, hurt a little more to be sitting down, really hurt to be standing up and you could BARELY STAND to walk, why then, PROCEED! And this is only considering the physical issues confronting me right now, NOT even the psychological issues, which are big, but i certainly don't want to get into here and now. I just thought i'd offer another perspective to why I am making the choices that I am. As far as i'm concerned, a Csection is NOT ideal but its the best choice at this point. And as far as i'm concerned going 37 weeks with twins is ABSOLUTELY sufficient. And maybe that makes me selfish. But that is MY LIMIT.


Michelle said...

preach it girl. i can't believe people would even dream of judging you. you know what's best for you & your family.

Miss seeing you over at willow traders.

Gina said...

I'm sorry you're being judged for your choices. I really wish people would let others live their own lives. Maybe they're just bored and need a hobby. LOL

Keep looking to the Lord for your direction. Then you can be confident in the decisions you're making and *hopefully* ignore the people that keep sticking their noses in your business. :)

teresamatz said...

oh, I wish I could be there to hug you right now, {and too punch the meanie heads in the nose for you}!!!!! You can rest assure that you know God's plan is perfect for you and your babies, don't let anyone tell you different. I am so proud of you for keeping these little ones in for so long, that takes a mighty strong woman! Love you guys, and will see ALL of you soon

sasicas said...

Good for you for making the decision that is best for YOU and YOUR family. Dont let what others say bring you down. A c-section is really not the end of the world. Yes recovery can be a pain (literally) but keep up on your pain meds, get up and walk, drink lots of water, take stool softeners (I know that was TMI but seriously, TAKE THEM) and you will be fine. All that matters is that you are having babies, nothing else matters. Your bond will be no different regardless of a c/s or a vag delivery or both ;) Ive had 3 c-sections, I cant deliver vaginally so I speak from lots of experience ;) God Bless you! Cant wait to see pics of the new little ones!
*Cassie E from TPOM*