Today

Today was rough! Everything just sorta came together in the most difficult way possible, if that makes any sense.... And i think i'm pretty much done trying to be positive. It's not working. Life is HARD now. I want to move. I REALLY just want to move to Oregon, and then everything will be ok! But its not happening. PLUS, My children's cyber school is tightening their standards and i've been a slacker and really need to get our schedule back on track AND keep decent records which is a nightmare for me, i'm a flaky artist type. NOT an organized person. But i'm getting there, i will say that... So this weekend is going to be spent working on that, and getting the schoolroom out of the ruins of legos.

Want to join my pity trip? here's my latest scrap-therapy layout. It didn't work though... usually when i make a scrap therapy, like my miscarraige one, i immediately feel better. This one just made me feel more depressed.

Walking and ear buds.

Its been a long while since i went walking. There's been lots going on. Between my dad being here and various other issues i've been swamped. I've been continuing my study on the "tongue" NOT the "mouth" LOL! It amazes me how much God's word has to say about it. And i've really made a good effort to control my weaknesses this week. I've been working on gossiping, speaking negatively of others and particularily myself, and just being overall negative. I had NO idea how much this is an issue for me, but i see now that it is. And i'll tell you, it hasn't been easy. I did have a pity party moment tuesday. Some events transpired in which my personal business was brought to another couple who is close to us, with which i was really uncomfortable. It made me think about the original situation and think, MAN, i could have just lied. I could have just made up some whopper about the original situation, and i'd not BE in THIS ugly situation. Is honesty really the best policy? Who knows. But i'm rolling with the punches and doing my best to remain positive.

Back to the topic at hand. I went walking, and realized i'd misplaced (or they wandered off, LOL) my nice earphones Andy got me, and i needed to use my earbuds. Now one key bit of information about my ear canals are that they are really SMALL. Especially the right ear. Ear buds don't stay in. they fall right out, no matter how much I try to cram them in there! Today i was thankfully blessed with a whole lot of ear wax! So that helped! i still found myself replacing the ear buds all through my walk. But it was totally worth it to wake up to Cindy! Click on the link and check out Cindy Rushton if you are not already familiar with her. She's AWESOME! I really get the whole walking thing! If you can get past the boredom, IE. by listening to music, or Cindy or something, then walking, and the resultant endorphines are a great way to start the day! So here i am, all endorphined up, ready to start my day. Praying that we can move to oregon, and please God, no more hits! I'm fragile.

WOW!

I had an amazing experience last night!!! I went out for mom's night out with a couple of girls from my mops group, and we got to talking about stuff and my situation came up. A special person (you know who you are, THANK YOU!!) managed to convince me that it was NOT entirely my fault. And the more I think about it, the more the progression of events makes sense. My husband's covering was definately lacking, (I don't mean that in a blaming way... in fact, neither of us knew such a thing existed until last night!!) But it really shows me how everything came together in such a way. And what's more, i KNOW God has a plan for what i've been through, and i know God will allow me to be an instrument for His glory!! A few posts down i talked about how i am so very open hearted toward people, and I realize now that that is exactly how God wants me to be! YES! i will get hurt sometimes, but that's ok! i can get through anything with God's protection, and if He sees fit to use my life for His glory, then so be it! I'm honored to be that instrument! And what's more, those voices that tell me i'm a terrible person and i'm this and that, they are LIES straight from the pit of Hell, and i'm speaking death! Its no wonder i feel like "i've fallen and i can't get up" And that i've come to God in tears so many times apologizing and come to Andy so many times apologizing and am forgiven instantly but can't seem to let it go myself. But that's it! i'm done with that and i'm moving ahead and i AM going to church on sunday. I am forgiven and i have one more weapon against satan under my belt in the process. And i'm going to be doing a word study on "the mouth" and really watching carefully what comes out of my mouth regarding myself and even others. I've had a really bad attitude toward a lot of people and there's no place for that anymore! God is SO good and i'm living in that starting NOW!!!
R

UGG.

My dad is coming to visit today. That is always really stressful. we have "issues". AND we have at least one overdraft, probably more... and i woke up this am with the sinking sensation that my blockbuster movies were overdue, so i took the girls and we returned them. OH and i got up at 8:30 today, which means i was the last one up, and the house is trashed. Did i mention i have an overnight guest coming this afternoon? So i told the kiddos, to clean up their mess, because when I went to bed last night the house was NOT trashed, so clean up their mess and i'll be hiding out in my bedroom till its done. I can't afford to be in a bad mood today because grandpa is coming and that automatically puts me in a bad mood. 2 bad moods is a bad thing. The good news is its mops moms night out tonight! woohoo! i seriously need to make some friends. i think we'll be skipping school today. Have to clean the kids bedrooms so that we can put grandpa in the girls room and the girls with the boys in their room, which will be extra easy today because alex has been sleeping on the couch since he's up so much with his sore throat. I can't believe its so bad still, its been 9 days since he got his tonsils out and he's a wreck! i totally need to find some time for my quiet time with the Lord today... usually its in the am but if i oversleep, i miss it. I need a back up plan for exercise and quiet time for when i oversleep, particularily if i am pregnant this month, which is entirely possible.. Dh and i have been getting along beautifully. :-) Somehow today i want to get my quiet time and exercise in, and i also want to get some good solid scrap time in. I totally need some stress relief!!!!

Today

Today was amazing!!! Well, it started out kind of rough... i wandered around at 5 am for about 15 minutes trying to find my tennis shoe, one was missing... finally found it in the shed where i'd just packed away summer clothes, OOPS! then wandered around some more looking for the MP3 player... finally found it, then took one step out of the house on my way to walk, and battery conked. soooo... i had to endure a walk WITHOUT any distraction. YIKES. Listening only to the thoughts in my head, not great, especially right now. But then i started to have a really good day. Today is MOPS, and it was SO nice getting out, having a yummy breakfast, hanging out with other GROWNUPS, it was wonderful. Then the speaker was talking about how she'd lost 125 lbs, at LEAST what i need to lose, and she was talking about the spiritual side of overeating, which really struck a nerve with me. She talked about how she'd always equated God as being a Father, and her own father had left her family.. and it really prevented her from having a FULL view of God's love. It really made me wonder if perhaps that might be my problem. I mean my dad never left, he was just gone all the time, and then when my mom abandoned me as well, i really didn't have any experience of a parent who was present. I wonder if i just don't have any kind of idea what that kind of love is. Perhaps not, i mean, i have 5 of my own children, whom i love more than words can express, and so that has to come from somewhere... maybe i learned not to rely on my parents at all, and got into the habit so its hard to rely on God? maybe... just speculating. So then at our table time we talked about what our major issue was, and as each person brought up what was going on with them, i was like, YEP, me too, Yep, yep, yep... and it occurred to me DUH, no wonder i'm so stressed out... my life is a DISASTER!! that was almost strangely reassuring if you can believe that! Maybe it was just a clue that i'm not crazy but rather feel crazy because i'm in a crazy stressed out situation. And i was thinking on the way home, WOW, God really had worked hard to get me to MOPS, long story, but it was undoubtably a divine action, and i thought it was all about meeting other moms and having fun, and it turns out its time to work on my issues. Blech! LOL. no, i appreciate His provision, but i know its going to be a whole lotta no fun for a while still. OH and my dad just called to tell me when he was coming, and oh yeah, by the way, your sister broke her neck a couple weeks ago. (!!!!!) Apparently, she's probably going to recover ok, and she's out of the hospital with one of those neck things on, she wasn't paralized, but i'd appreciate prayer, anyone who's reading! Anyhow, that's my life! over and out!

Redemption

How do you even begin to make up for serious wrongs committed against someone. And how do you do that when you've pretty much sinned against everyone around you and God himself? Of course we know that God forgives pretty much any sin, when you repent and begin anew

Acts 10:43

43All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name."

Acts 13:38

38"Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.

Acts 2:38
Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

But other PEOPLE? Yeah, not so much! And even so, sometimes, even receiving someone's forgiveness isn't enough, because sometimes, when you do something that is SO wrong, its nearly impossible to forgive yourself. I know as a mom, i tend to feel guilty about EVERYTHING, regardless of how much of it I could reasonably be expected to control. So when something happens that IS my fault, WOW, it is overwhelming.

So how, in light of all that can someone find redemption? This verse really gets me-

Romans 3:23-25

23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement,[a] through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished—

"Freely by His grace" Pretty cool stuff. But here I am, and wallowing doesn't even begin to go there. I'm stuck and i feel trapped and I just wish this could all be over with, life just feels too hard right now. Now, don't freak out... I'm not planning an eternal solution. This is just how i feel right now, and this blog is exactly that outlet, right?

there's so many thoughts running through my head... HOW could i be so easily duped. WHY would i ever give in to such STUPID temptation. WHY WHY WHY?? I am so needed and i'm a MESS. My children are all out of whack, because they know something is very wrong even though i don't cry around them and try to smile sometimes. Alex, my emotional barometer, has had a constant worried look on his face? and is frequently mouthing to me (since he STILL can't talk from getting his tonsils out) "Are you OK?" and i smile and say, "yeah, i'm fine" But i'm not. I wish i could move across the country and start over, but i can't do that. Better yet, i wish we could move to Oregon, to live this simple life she keeps telling me about, in a cohesive Christian community. It sounds heavenly. But here i am, trying to be content in a situation that makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come out. So many insecurities that haven't reared their ugly heads are coming back to me. I'm so self-conscious.

If anyone is reading this, please pray for me. I really need some direction right now.

Can I just vent for a moment??

God is kicking my butt the last couple days. I don't know why.... i guess its a learning experience. Maybe he's saying Bec- get over it! stop being a big dumb dog that bounds after who ever has the bone. Stop throwing yourself under the bus! Because somehow, its not enough to have grown up being constantly smashed down, being kicked in the face over and over and pulled back up, repeatedly for another beating. Somehow, i actually SEEK out, be it subconsciously or whatever friends who will eventually hurt me, betray me, or just plain abandon me for someone more fun. I am TIRED! I am SO TIRED. And i really hate life right now. And i can't for the life of me understand WHY i am so darn self destructive. HECK, if i wanted betrayal, antagonism and rejection i could just look up my MOTHER!! Give HER a chance to kick me around some more. She only got 18 years to do it! I'm sure she'd love another peice of me!

Perhaps its not that malicious at all. Perhaps God was just trying to show me who my REAL friends are. Teresa, whom i KNOW i could tell ANYTHING to, and she'd love me anyway, and i've tested this a number of times, she's a gift, a real gift. And frank too. But i think most notable is Andy. I have been selfish and self-obsessed, and grumpy and depressed and he's been there through all of it. When "I" betrayed "HIM" in such a big way, much worse than any of the bad stuff i've done to anyone else, he didn't give up on me, He didn't say "Screw her! she can live in her own miserable world alone" He just stood up and took it and loved me anyway. He behaved like a true man, and in that i got to see WHO the man really was, and how ridiculous it would have been for me to try to trade that for a very sorry substitute. It was like a side by side comparison, becuase sometimes, God needs to send me very BIG messages in order for me to get it. So while i may not have a man who sends me away on girl vacations and cooks for me regularily and chit chats all night like a girlfriend, i have a man who adores me and loves me enough to stick around even when i'm unlovable. I guess out of this whole miserable experience i've learned what a real man is, who i can trust, and more notably to pull my head out of my butt and not be stupid enough to trust everyone.

Former optimist turned pessimist saying OVER AND OUT!

My anniversary

Yesterday was mine and Andy's 14th anniversary. Wanna see what i woke up to yesterday??



Cool huh? this is BIG. Andy has a LOT of redeeming qualities but flowers is NOT one of them :-) Anyway, i got to the kitchen in my jammies and stood there wondering how on earth he made THAT happen, since he's at work, and i immediately got the camera, and removed the coffee from my 2 year old's lips, "Coffee, DOOOD!" Says Leify, and snapped a couple pics. I oohed and Aaahed, adn the children LAUGHED and watched, and finally Nik couldn't hold it in any longer... "DAD'S IN THE SCHOOL ROOM!!!" he burst out! Oh my gosh, he had been waiting in there like an hour, when he told nik to wake me up! i'd totally slept in. Normally i get up at 5 or 530 but i had a long night with Alex, giving him his narcotics ever 4 hours (he just had his tonsils out tuesday) and just zonked out.

So anyway, he'd managed to get off work after the sort, and surprise me... WOW! It was a sign. I made a big decision about our relationship i'd been agonizing over for weeks. (not getting into the specifics, you'll just have to use your imagination, but suffice to say it was a GOOD one!!!) And we went for a walk for like over an HOUR, He dragged my sorry ass ALL over the neighborhood, and my lower back was killing me, but it felt GOOD! and we talked and talked and talked...

Then that afternoon, i finalized some things, and dealt with a situation i had, (again, use the imagination, its your friend) in limbo, and did. It was humiliating and humbling, and i'm glad to be done. And now, with a renewed passion for my marraige, we are starting over. By gones are gone, and we're moving on. Though i'm having a REALLY hard time forgiving myself... And i'm having a hard time making sense of life... HOW is it possible to NOT recieve love from someone who has adored you for like 15 years, and conversely TO recieve it from someone who doesn't even intend it. It doesn't make any sense.. usually i'm really good at the interpersonal thing, but i'll be darned if i'm not losing my touch! Maybe we'll pull out the love languages book and re-read that... its an awesome read, and we are so opposite. I'm an acts of service person, and andy's a physical touch person, primarily which is a conflict.

So we went out on our weekly date night for three, andy me and leif, and sat at jack in the box and just talked and talked and talked... it was like we were dating again. VERY cool. Talking is important.... its hard for a ultra yappy person when the other person in the marriage doesn't TALK a lot! in fact, i remember my dad didn't like Andy when i first introduced him, probably in part becuase he met him, tapping on the window of andy's car when we were in it, making out :-) but mostly he found him suspicious because he was quiet. (no doubt scared to death meeting a girlfriend's father that way!) I guess that's how it is with us boisterous loud jews :-) Anyway, i digress! (big surprise there!!!)

Ultimately i know that while life sucks right now, everything is going to be ok. And i have an amazing aroma in my living area... and beautiful flowers. Want to see the view from my computer? here it is!



a dozen long stemmed roses in a ginormous pickle jar! LOL!!!!! :-)

QUICK

Get in on this at the last second!!! a contest to win a BEAUTIFUL apron!!!!!

http://pennyraine.com/blog/2008/09/another-holiday-apron-give-away-contest/

Today

Today i'm going to MOPS. I'm kind of nervous... i haven't been to a mops group since my church's MOPS stopped letting homeschoolers come Grr.... But Amy talked me into it, and i REALLY do need to stop being antisocial and get on with my life!!! So we'll see how that goes! I tend to not fit in very well at MOPS but this one is specifically homeschool friendly, which leads me to believe there might be others "Like" me, LOL. Anna got up at 5:30 this morning and she IS going to take a nap today, and i'm sure i'll be joining her... i feel like the walking dead this morning. I got up early and didn't even do my Bible study or walk this AM. Ugg.. i'm just drinking my homemade mocha and trying to WAKE UP. I've been working hard on my design team layouts for SXC and i'm very psyched! I'm hoping to finish up the kit today. Well, back to reality.

Sunrise

Today on my morning walk, i realized i'd reached that point where i could feel my legs being stronger than the week before. That is SO cool, it happened last time i was walking consistantly when Teresa still was here. What an encouragement. Plus i was priviledged to walk during just the very beginning of sunrise... Of course its hard to see, since where i live is blanketed with a thick covering of pine trees... so i could just barely see a tinge of pink peeking up through the trees. It was inspiring and a reminder of God's presence. At the same time it was a slightly melancholy moment. The romantic in me thought, how nice it would be to do this walk hand in hand with the man i love. And i wonder where that man has gone. Its like he's replaced with an angry version. Ahh well... Someday perhaps. Its hard to even think about how alone i am right now. If i think too hard, i don't think i'd ever stop crying, because "alone" is NOT me. I want my best friend back, and i want my husband back. But wanting doesn't make it so. I'm stuck. But heck, I'll count my blessings for what they are. Today i'm going to focus on others, and not on myself... maybe i'll even start my gratitude journal today. But overall i think that the key to not being overwhelmed with self is to focus on being a blessing to others. That's the only thing i've found to satisfy. Anyhow.. another day.... And i'm going to make the most of it.

Depression for Christians

I'm not sure anyone actually READS my blogs, other than my scrappy blog. I kind of feel like i'm talking to myself, LOL but regardless, it helps me to process information to get it down and read it. So maybe this might be encouraging to someone else and if not, it will be a good reminder to me!

Anyway, on my walk this morning, i listened to an audio seminar on depression. It was very informative, and really gave me some tools to look back to... here's what i can remember

1. keep a handy, accessable list of Bible verses that support you and encourage you. It has to be handy or you won't use it.

2. eat well, and avoid white flour and sugar as much as possible.

3. DRINK water, and avoid caffeine.

4. Exercise... like for me, since i find walking to be about the most boring thing ever, i bring my mp3 player loaded with Cindy rushton seminars! It was painful for dh to load it up for me, he was like, "you dont' want ANY music?? this is going to be the most boring MP3 player EVER" LOL!!!!! but i personally like the seminars.. do whatever floats your boat.

5. Watch for times that throw you off, hormonal times, situations, etc. and guard your heart and thoughts. Also when your kids are acting up and you feel like flipping out, stop yourself, it only makes things worse.

6. last but not least, maintain your daily time with the Lord!! regular prayer time and Bible time is ESSENTIAL. Its i think the one make or break solution. For me the only thing that really works is to get up REALLY early, otherwise my mind is just too occupied, and i can't focus. Also remember to maintain your relationship with God, Talk to Him throughout the day, aloud if you prefer. Think of how your relationship with your dh suffers when you don't talk enough... same with God!

TRIALS

Wow, what a week its been. We just discovered some information about a close family member that was jolting, it was one of those moments where you think "WHOA, WHERE have i been?!?" You know, how you just sometimes get consumed with your own life and problems and just don't even notice the pain of those around you. I think maybe because we've been dealing with such big issues ourselves, marital issues, personal depression issues, spiritual issues... we've been well occupied with issues. But in all this i've discovered something amazing. Trials are so there for a reason! The thing is, a relationship with God is such an issue of reliance.. there's no place for independence in the life of a Christian. We are so very needy and it HAS to be that way! If we were ABLE to meet our own needs, WHY would we need God. Its become evident in my life that i'm WHOLLY unable to meet my own needs, that i try, and fail, and fall smack on my face, over and over again, but every time, there He is, ready, willing and able to pick me up, brush me off and give me the Chutzpa to start over again. Honestly it still hurts to think that God is STILL allowing us to go through this trial, this nearly year long, excruciating trial. As i'm scraping my marriage off the ground and starting over, and waking up each day and trying to cope with not having the Matz' here, all the while knowing that while we want so desperately to move to be near them that its NOT happening any time soon. As it becomes harder and harder to make our budget work, and feed everyone affordably, as i deal with the rejection from my own mother and the cluelessness of my father, its so easy to feel completely alone in the world. I feel powerless but at least i can fall back into the loving arms of a Father who is a true father. Who will ALWAYS be there for me and put me first, as if i was an only child. And i'm sure learning how to do that. I'm acknowledging every miracle for what it is, a miracle and a gift. I'm discovering my own inadequacies and in the process learning of God's sufficiency. What more could i want? Well, for starters, i want others to know Him! i want others to understand these things, and realize they are NOT alone. But what can I do? I can really only pray for mercy, for God to understand that those who have rejected Him have done so out of their own pain and confusion and lack of being raised with a true and abiding faith, instead being raised with "religion" which is such a poor shell of a substitute. And that I do. As we start the CHRISTmas season, it becomes even more evident what its all about. More on that later because i have a lot to say... But for now, its time to get dressed and get walking!!