Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Today was amazing!!! Well, it started out kind of rough... i wandered around at 5 am for about 15 minutes trying to find my tennis shoe, one was missing... finally found it in the shed where i'd just packed away summer clothes, OOPS! then wandered around some more looking for the MP3 player... finally found it, then took one step out of the house on my way to walk, and battery conked. soooo... i had to endure a walk WITHOUT any distraction. YIKES. Listening only to the thoughts in my head, not great, especially right now. But then i started to have a really good day. Today is MOPS, and it was SO nice getting out, having a yummy breakfast, hanging out with other GROWNUPS, it was wonderful. Then the speaker was talking about how she'd lost 125 lbs, at LEAST what i need to lose, and she was talking about the spiritual side of overeating, which really struck a nerve with me. She talked about how she'd always equated God as being a Father, and her own father had left her family.. and it really prevented her from having a FULL view of God's love. It really made me wonder if perhaps that might be my problem. I mean my dad never left, he was just gone all the time, and then when my mom abandoned me as well, i really didn't have any experience of a parent who was present. I wonder if i just don't have any kind of idea what that kind of love is. Perhaps not, i mean, i have 5 of my own children, whom i love more than words can express, and so that has to come from somewhere... maybe i learned not to rely on my parents at all, and got into the habit so its hard to rely on God? maybe... just speculating. So then at our table time we talked about what our major issue was, and as each person brought up what was going on with them, i was like, YEP, me too, Yep, yep, yep... and it occurred to me DUH, no wonder i'm so stressed out... my life is a DISASTER!! that was almost strangely reassuring if you can believe that! Maybe it was just a clue that i'm not crazy but rather feel crazy because i'm in a crazy stressed out situation. And i was thinking on the way home, WOW, God really had worked hard to get me to MOPS, long story, but it was undoubtably a divine action, and i thought it was all about meeting other moms and having fun, and it turns out its time to work on my issues. Blech! LOL. no, i appreciate His provision, but i know its going to be a whole lotta no fun for a while still. OH and my dad just called to tell me when he was coming, and oh yeah, by the way, your sister broke her neck a couple weeks ago. (!!!!!) Apparently, she's probably going to recover ok, and she's out of the hospital with one of those neck things on, she wasn't paralized, but i'd appreciate prayer, anyone who's reading! Anyhow, that's my life! over and out!

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