Friday, October 17, 2008

Can I just vent for a moment??

God is kicking my butt the last couple days. I don't know why.... i guess its a learning experience. Maybe he's saying Bec- get over it! stop being a big dumb dog that bounds after who ever has the bone. Stop throwing yourself under the bus! Because somehow, its not enough to have grown up being constantly smashed down, being kicked in the face over and over and pulled back up, repeatedly for another beating. Somehow, i actually SEEK out, be it subconsciously or whatever friends who will eventually hurt me, betray me, or just plain abandon me for someone more fun. I am TIRED! I am SO TIRED. And i really hate life right now. And i can't for the life of me understand WHY i am so darn self destructive. HECK, if i wanted betrayal, antagonism and rejection i could just look up my MOTHER!! Give HER a chance to kick me around some more. She only got 18 years to do it! I'm sure she'd love another peice of me!

Perhaps its not that malicious at all. Perhaps God was just trying to show me who my REAL friends are. Teresa, whom i KNOW i could tell ANYTHING to, and she'd love me anyway, and i've tested this a number of times, she's a gift, a real gift. And frank too. But i think most notable is Andy. I have been selfish and self-obsessed, and grumpy and depressed and he's been there through all of it. When "I" betrayed "HIM" in such a big way, much worse than any of the bad stuff i've done to anyone else, he didn't give up on me, He didn't say "Screw her! she can live in her own miserable world alone" He just stood up and took it and loved me anyway. He behaved like a true man, and in that i got to see WHO the man really was, and how ridiculous it would have been for me to try to trade that for a very sorry substitute. It was like a side by side comparison, becuase sometimes, God needs to send me very BIG messages in order for me to get it. So while i may not have a man who sends me away on girl vacations and cooks for me regularily and chit chats all night like a girlfriend, i have a man who adores me and loves me enough to stick around even when i'm unlovable. I guess out of this whole miserable experience i've learned what a real man is, who i can trust, and more notably to pull my head out of my butt and not be stupid enough to trust everyone.

Former optimist turned pessimist saying OVER AND OUT!

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