Saturday, October 18, 2008


How do you even begin to make up for serious wrongs committed against someone. And how do you do that when you've pretty much sinned against everyone around you and God himself? Of course we know that God forgives pretty much any sin, when you repent and begin anew

Acts 10:43

43All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name."

Acts 13:38

38"Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.

Acts 2:38
Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

But other PEOPLE? Yeah, not so much! And even so, sometimes, even receiving someone's forgiveness isn't enough, because sometimes, when you do something that is SO wrong, its nearly impossible to forgive yourself. I know as a mom, i tend to feel guilty about EVERYTHING, regardless of how much of it I could reasonably be expected to control. So when something happens that IS my fault, WOW, it is overwhelming.

So how, in light of all that can someone find redemption? This verse really gets me-

Romans 3:23-25

23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement,[a] through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished—

"Freely by His grace" Pretty cool stuff. But here I am, and wallowing doesn't even begin to go there. I'm stuck and i feel trapped and I just wish this could all be over with, life just feels too hard right now. Now, don't freak out... I'm not planning an eternal solution. This is just how i feel right now, and this blog is exactly that outlet, right?

there's so many thoughts running through my head... HOW could i be so easily duped. WHY would i ever give in to such STUPID temptation. WHY WHY WHY?? I am so needed and i'm a MESS. My children are all out of whack, because they know something is very wrong even though i don't cry around them and try to smile sometimes. Alex, my emotional barometer, has had a constant worried look on his face? and is frequently mouthing to me (since he STILL can't talk from getting his tonsils out) "Are you OK?" and i smile and say, "yeah, i'm fine" But i'm not. I wish i could move across the country and start over, but i can't do that. Better yet, i wish we could move to Oregon, to live this simple life she keeps telling me about, in a cohesive Christian community. It sounds heavenly. But here i am, trying to be content in a situation that makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come out. So many insecurities that haven't reared their ugly heads are coming back to me. I'm so self-conscious.

If anyone is reading this, please pray for me. I really need some direction right now.

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