Friday, October 3, 2008


Wow, what a week its been. We just discovered some information about a close family member that was jolting, it was one of those moments where you think "WHOA, WHERE have i been?!?" You know, how you just sometimes get consumed with your own life and problems and just don't even notice the pain of those around you. I think maybe because we've been dealing with such big issues ourselves, marital issues, personal depression issues, spiritual issues... we've been well occupied with issues. But in all this i've discovered something amazing. Trials are so there for a reason! The thing is, a relationship with God is such an issue of reliance.. there's no place for independence in the life of a Christian. We are so very needy and it HAS to be that way! If we were ABLE to meet our own needs, WHY would we need God. Its become evident in my life that i'm WHOLLY unable to meet my own needs, that i try, and fail, and fall smack on my face, over and over again, but every time, there He is, ready, willing and able to pick me up, brush me off and give me the Chutzpa to start over again. Honestly it still hurts to think that God is STILL allowing us to go through this trial, this nearly year long, excruciating trial. As i'm scraping my marriage off the ground and starting over, and waking up each day and trying to cope with not having the Matz' here, all the while knowing that while we want so desperately to move to be near them that its NOT happening any time soon. As it becomes harder and harder to make our budget work, and feed everyone affordably, as i deal with the rejection from my own mother and the cluelessness of my father, its so easy to feel completely alone in the world. I feel powerless but at least i can fall back into the loving arms of a Father who is a true father. Who will ALWAYS be there for me and put me first, as if i was an only child. And i'm sure learning how to do that. I'm acknowledging every miracle for what it is, a miracle and a gift. I'm discovering my own inadequacies and in the process learning of God's sufficiency. What more could i want? Well, for starters, i want others to know Him! i want others to understand these things, and realize they are NOT alone. But what can I do? I can really only pray for mercy, for God to understand that those who have rejected Him have done so out of their own pain and confusion and lack of being raised with a true and abiding faith, instead being raised with "religion" which is such a poor shell of a substitute. And that I do. As we start the CHRISTmas season, it becomes even more evident what its all about. More on that later because i have a lot to say... But for now, its time to get dressed and get walking!!

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