Week 8- in all its glory!

I say semi sarcastically... this is the roughest preggo time for me, i'm SICK. I started taking b6/unisom to help me to NOT throw up all the time. It has helped quite a bit. I've gone from requiring ER hydration to just being constantly queasy which is a definate improvement. I was really starting to get discouraged. Its amazing how your health going south can affect a person psychologically. Anyway, here's what's going on with the baby right now!

The embryo is reactive to its environment inside the amniotic sac where it swims and moves. Hands and feet can be seen. At the end of week 8, the embryonic period is over and the fetal stage begins.

this is again from the wpclinic.org website. Here's a picture. Notice the profound differences from LAST WEEK!

Week 7

Ok, i admit, i'm a week behind! i'm actually on week 8 now but the info about week 7 was remarkable enough that i figured i'd just make 2 consecutive posts. here's the blurb about what's goign on with the baby at week 7. This is from wpclinic.org

Major organs have all begun to form. The embryo has developed its own blood type, unique from the mother’s. Hair follicles and nipples form and knees and elbows are visible. Facial features are also observable. The eyes have a retina and lens. The major muscle system is developed and the embryo is able to move.

Click for a closer view... isn't that remarkable? I just think this whole process is amazing. And i'll be able to enjoy it MUCH more when i'm not constantly SICK! Though i do admit, its been a bit easier to find time with the LORD when the only thing i CAN do is PRAY! :-) This is not an entirely bad thing!! Ok, off to post the next week..

facebook

do you all have facebook?? if not, join! and find me, and buddy me! its a great way to waste time, plus you can connect with friends from high school, college, workplaces, its neat! I've been hanging out there a lot when i'm too sick to do anything but stare at a screen :-) i'll keep posting baby updates here though!

I take it back!

Ok, so i take back that statement i made a while ago about it being easy being preggo with such good kids. UGG my place has been a MADHOUSE!! It doesn't help that i've been really really SICK! both preggo sick, and funky stomach sick and coughing sick, just all around miserable. and i totally do NOT have the CHUTZPA to make it all happen right now! i'm so hoping its mostly the external sick and not preggo sick! The kiddos are grating on me and i wish i could just get a babysitter every afternoon :-D also i'm hoping since dad went home that might help.. LOTS of stress, lots of emotional stuff.. and now the snow! worrying about andy being out in it all day doesn't help. At least i got to stay home today! Still trying to stay prayerful and focused on the task at hand, whichever one that happens to be.

a poem

I saw this poem online and it really touched me. While we are only having our 6th, this so rang true for us. I included the link at the bottom for if you want to visit the site.

Seventh
by: Jennifer Wilson


I know I'm number seven,
but the fact you can't deny
is that God, Almighty Giver,
is the Author of my life.

My soul is no less special,
and my spirit no less great
than those that came before me--
be they one, or six, or eight!

So many eyes are blinded
by the whispers of this world--
to them, there is no miracle
in a human life unfurled.

A baby's just a plaything,
a burden, or a chore,
and we must proceed with caution
to prevent too many more!

Only a fool would trust the Lord
to give as He desires
and live a life of trust in Him...
whatever that requires.

A new car may be exciting;
a new house may be a prize,
but my new life is better
than any thing that money buys.

So all the world may roll their eyes
when seven now they see--
But I can't wait until I meet
the "fools" who welcome me.


http://www.lotsofkids.com/LOK-Features/seventh/seventh-poem.htm

ok....

Momentary lapse of judgement... its all good, i was reminded by my bf (in list form, which is so visually appealing to me!!) about what is important now and what i need to be doing and i'm going to do it.

I just lost sight of the whole point. Life isn't necessarily supposed to be easy. And let's face it, there's a LOT of people out there who have it a LOT harder than I do! And do i want to be an angry, bitter, resentful person?? HECK NO! I know that person and i do NOT want to be her. Its so easy to use anger as a cop out. And i guess coming from the background that i came from, finding a defense mechanism is first reaction. But i'm not that person anymore... prayer needs to be first reaction. So that's the primary thing i'm working on now, in addition to making my home a welcoming lovely place to be. NOT easy right now.

Oh well... please pray for me if you are reading this. Sometimes i really wonder if i have what it takes for this life.
Rebecca

UGG.

Boy, am i having a crap week! finding out i was pregnant necessitated going off a medication i was on, and really super fast too, and specifically, the going off of that medication results in neurological side effects, weird head buzzing, dizziness.. well, i've had that, and hallucinations on the worst day, which was about 10 days ago. But now i'm off it completely, only slightly dizzy and only the usual preggo symptoms, which for me is horrendous nausea, coupled with this cold i have, is a real pain in the rear. I cough like there's no tomorrow, which initiates the gag reflex... sigh... i'm a mess. Plus, with my head being clearer, i've had more opportunity to think about a situation in my life that won't go AWAY, and that sucks, and to top it off, my dad is visiting, which is a whole nother category of stress. So i'm about at the limit. I'm angry and sick and realy feeling like an IDIOT. I'm not saying the specifics, but there's a situation in my life that for the last couple months has eaten away at me. you'd think that a person who's been hurt by others as much as I have, would have learned to be suspicious and NOT trust others but i'm the OPPOSITE. WHY???? Honestly, i'm trying really hard not to be negative, but for crying out loud, how many times do i have to be SOLD OUT to get that i am a sucky judge of character. Men are the WORST. Men are HORRIBLE. i'm staying way the heck clear of the bastards. Except for family. And so, here i am, trying to move on, and every week, like clockwork, its smeared right in my face. And i'm EXHAUSTED from being SO angry. But i HAVE to be angry. its the ONLY way i can possibly deal with it. i guess, maybe someday, something will change and i'll be able to find some kind of normalcy. Because leaving the situation is not a possibility, and i'm working VERY hard to not be angry about that. Because if i had MY way, we would be moving on. BUT as its been pointed out to me, i am not the center of the universe, and my needs come DEAD LAST. So life really really sucks right now. I know i just need to get distracted, to concentrate on the miracle that is growing inside of me. To be a good wife and mother, to exercise when i dont feel like it and to eat my vegetables. That's the point of being a Christian, right? to focus on others needs ahead of your own? WHY can SO many other Christians GET there and here i am STUCK. sigh... who knows... i need a nap. i seriously need to kick the nausea because we are going out for GREEK PIZZA BUFFET tonight! WOOOHOO and i need to be able to eat something!!

a fun personality test

give it a try, its fun :-)

My baby

i found this amazing picture online that i had to share!



This is a picture of 4 weeks, and as of tomorrow, i'm actually 5 weeks but there was not picture on the website that i found this one on, until 7 weeks.

This is so exciting.. .Morning sickness has hit with a VENGEANCE! its really hard to take my antibiotics for the sinus infection i have, so i'm trying to just get through the 3 more days! But i will, and i'm grateful for the sign of a healthy baby!

I found a great blog with some useful info http://www.averynearlytea.com/2006/09/pregnant-and-homeschooling.html?showComment=1158815700000 she posted an article there about legumes making morning sickness go away, so i'm beaning it up, starting NOW! we'll see how that works!

something amazing....

So if you aren't within rooftop shouting range, you may not have heard, that we are PREGNANT!!!!!! i found out yesterday... i'm due Aug 11, REALLY hoping for a
girl. I'd forgotten what a handfull little boys are, but a boy would actually be
really cool too because Leify is such a MAN's MAN, that he'd have WAY more fun
with a boy.. and true to form, everyone is THRILLED except Leif, who won't even
entertain the idea of a baby other than him :-D


You so should have BEEN at the
dinner table when we announced it.... it was too funny, i was dropping hints...
i was like, tonight we brought home a pizza and i thought we'd stay up late to
celebrate! No one bit... then i was like, "I think we'll watch the movie "9
months" (WHICH by the way, if you don't remember is really NOT suitable for a
family audience in a lot of ways! eek!) and still nothing... and i was
like... anyone know what we are celebrating/?? and alex was like... uh... when
you found out you were pregnant with Leif?? and andy
and i LAUGHED, and i was like, close, but not quite... and he said, "when you found out you were
pregnant with ANNA? and we LAUGHED! finally Andy was like... how about when we
found out we were pregnant with a baby who's not yet born and doesn't have a
name??!!! it took them a while and then Alex screamed, "YOU'RE PREGNANT??!!! and
they all started SCREAMING! must have been a sight... SO wishing i videotaped
that!!!! and i have to tell you, my oldest two are already BABY'ING me, this is
going to be SO AWESOME! "Can i get you some water, mom? Let me take that
garbage out for you mom! LOL!!!!!!

My kids have been trying to knock me up for AGES! they have totally felt like it was time for a new baby to join our family. I was starting to wonder too if i was getting OLD or something... You see, we don't use birth control. I extended breastfeed all of my children, except alex, young and immature, blech! and the blessings of that are just amazing. Not the least of which is the delay in the onset of menses, which is AWESOME! I LOVE children, I completely think that children are a blessing and don't for one minute begrudge having them, but at the same time, i would NOT be a good mother having a child every year... its just me... and God KNOWS that, He KNOWS what i can handle and what i can't! Its amazing...

So having known i was pregnant for almost 2 whole days now, and having gone to MOPS and to the dr. (had a sinus infection AND had to figure out a way to get off my crazy pills quick without getting too bad of symptoms of going off the meds) and went to get a formal test at the lab, and so forth and so on, i'm already starting to get "THE COMMENT" it starts like this-

Them- You are pregnant! Congratulations! is it your first?

ME- No! its my 6th!

Them- Wow, that's crazy, 6 kids??!! how do you handle having so many, are you crazy? did you MEAN to do THAT? yadda yadda yadda....

Now, i know its a curiosity. The idea of allowing oneself to get pregnant 6 times is entirely foreign to our culture. HECK, i was there once too. A good friend of mine (THANK you SARAH!) really impressed on me a few years back, how i was approaching the whole birth control issue in the wrong way.

You see, i was buying into the common cultural viewpoint that children are a curse, that they are a burden, a waste of time, a hindrance to a career, a taker of resources, sanity, etc. However, Sarah showed me how GOD does NOT view children in the same way. In the Bible, children are NOT considered anything less than a gift. They were never given as a curse, they functioned as an ASSET, not a liablity. Now i guess, in our culture of excess, many people feel that children must have all this STUFF and that would indeed make them expensive. Andy and i have learned that to give up the opportunity for our own acquisition of STUFF has been so valuable a lesson to us. The fact is, the Lord DOES bless us financially, whenever we really have a NEED, He makes it happen, and sometimes there's even some fluff left over for fun, or specific fluff gifts. Through the years, as we've grown in maturity, frugality skills and increased income, we have become MUCH more able to handle our finances than when we even had ONE child. Of course now, we are in a tight spot, having had a few events transpire that really set us back, thousands of dollars of van repairs, alex's tonsils out, etc. and we are SCRIMPING till tax return time, which will exist solely to pay off CREDIT cards and bills. not our usual partial fun money, but the point is, we are so much more capable and better off NOW with more children. Its the classic paradox of when you follow God, He blesses you.

WE now do not see any real need to prevent children from coming to our family, if God opens my womb, though we had a struggle with my depression issues. I'm on a heavy duty antidepressant that i can't take early in pregnancy. But i know that God will provide. Hopefully among that which he provides will be patience and kindness to the "telling the family" moments... sigh... some of andy's family and all of mine will NOT be happy at all to hear our good news. That is our biggest struggle when it comes to pregnancy. They just don't understand us. How can you explain how you feel from this kind of worldview to those who buy hook line and sinker a worldly view that is the polar opposite of ours? Ah well... Cie La Vie...

later...
The preggo :-D

TODAY

Today something cool happened! we went to church today, which was wretched... church has been rough for a variety of reasons, and then we went to costco, at which point i was in a FLAMING bad mood and had to deal with costco on top of it.. so we got the most basic of groceries... Budget is IMPOSSIBLE, but decided, that's IT screw the impossible budget, i'm buying groceries! ugg.. anyway, so we got hotdogs afterward at the lunch place there, and while we were eating an elderly lady came up to me and was like "I knew you were Christian even before your family prayed... you are so kind to your children and they are so well behaved. You really stand out and people around you are watching, and you are influencing them." I was just flabbergasted... WHAT a gift, and how i needed that kind of encouragement today!!! Totally a God thing, i must say. Its great that even when everything is completely in the pits, God will send a message that He's still there.
_________________
Rebecca

BRAAAAAGGGG!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH! ok, so i normally save this kind of thing for my art blog, but i just had to brag all over the place about this one!!!!!

I participated in an online crop last weekend, and one of the challenges was a contest sponsored by several scrappy companies It was merit-based and there was lots of entries... and... and... and...

And I WON!!!! here's the blurb

has teamed up with EK Success this weekend to help celebrate their Crop Scene Investigation Celebration. What we have for you is one HUMONGOUS Grand Prize, $100 worth of products from EK, K&Coand Inkadinkado!

We had some fantastic entries for this contest! I sure hope everyone takes a peek at the layouts and leaves a little praise too. The CT knocked their heads together to vote on their favorite layouts......

and the grand prize winner of the $100 prize pack is.... mamakven

MOPS

Did i mention i LOVE mops??? oh my gosh, things totally have been looking up since my last post... first, i drove to mops, and it was so calm and peaceful out... i've really come to love a calm gray sky! and oak leaves scattered all over the ground cascading over cars... man, i love FALL! So then i got to MOPS and we did a craft and that was really fun, and we had the most awesome breakfast! i so need more protien in my breakfasts!!! and then we won a contest at our table and what did we win??? YEP, you guessed it, CHOCOLATE!! AAAAKKK! but i'm being very good, its in my bag and i'm going to wrap it all pretty like and give it to andy when he gets home and ask him to please not eat it in front of me, LOL! I just feel so renewed and refreshed, and excited about the rest of the day. Its nice getting out of the house once in a while!
i should think of something cool to surprise andy with when he gets home... hmmm... any ideas?

ok..

So i had a glorious walk today... wow, nothing quite compares to getting out there, getting sweaty and then taking a fabulous cool shower... ahhh....

But again, walking provokes thinking... and the fact is, my heart is broken. PERIOD. i've not gotten over it... i have a fabulous dh who is willing to hold me at night while i cry and cry, which helps... WOW, does it ever, but i am still a very fractured person. And i don't want to be that way. Every fiber of my being is screaming RUN. LEAVE, don't come back. But i can't. We are stuck here... and i'm stuck in a situation that is really rough. And i so wish i could escape. And WHY did i think nixing CHOCOLATE was a good idea?????? There just comes a point where you just have to GET OVER IT. Its not like i'm a stranger to betrayal. So right now, i'm using God's word to fight back, and i'm clarifying in my own mind WHO it is that i'm fighting against, because who i WANT to fight is just another frail broken person. And that's not my enemy. I still wish we could move. Deep breath.... this too will pass...

Still haven't heard anything about my sister.... i wish someone would call me. I wonder if its public record yet...

Tweet Tweet!!

Ok, so i just joined twitter.... https://twitter.com/mamakven so all you becca groupies can come follow me there Ha!! LOL. I still wonder if anyone actually reads this blog, or if i'm just carrying on an intriguing conversation with myself, which would be not much different from the auditory conversation i carry on with myself daily, since i'm a strangely visual AND auditory person... i'm the one you see in the grocery store contemplating out loud whether i want butterscotch or banana pudding :p But at the same time i communicate better with the written word than verbally. Particularily if there's some kind of emotional investment on my part or something that's a passion of mine, i just sort of gum up and say something stupid, when in reality i'm a pretty darn good communicator, just not so much verbally! Except when debating... i think i'm the only person on the face of the earth that would love to go back to high school. Ok, not entirely but i LOVE LOVE LOVED being a debater. What power! I could kick some serious @ss and it was AWESOME! Real life has very little power. Ah well. Anyway, if you read this and have twitter, or need another way to waste time on the internet, come find me!!

Chocolate, ET AL.

I don't think i mentined that i'm giving up chocolate! Not chocolate in its entirety, i'm still having my morning mocha, and chocolate peanut butter ice cream. I mean you can't drop EVERYTHING awesome all at once, right?? But my chocolate tupperware thing i keep in my scrappy area that's been filled with halloween candy has been depleted, The kids halloween candy is depleted too, LOL so that helps. Basically i need to lose weight. I'm having MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR self image issues right now which is WEIRD because this hasn't been an issue for me since high school. Something happened which effectively knocked me down a few pegs, and my fabulous new mentor Stacy things i could really use some successes. I agree. So step one, giving up my chocolate. Whatever isn't a help is a hindrance, and as much as i love reeses, they are NOT a help. Also i'm trying to get back on track exercising. its been rough because i've been sick repeatedly, and sick is my major excuse for not getting up at 530 and exercising! but i'm on the mend and hopefully tomorrow will be the day! I REALLY want to start losing weight and more importantly getting healthy because i could get pregnant at any time basically, and when i DO get pregnant, i'm a vomiting bundle of gross and really can't function well, and my muscles tend to atrophy, and i lose weight, but not good weight, muscle weight, and it is a LOT of work to give birth, I thought i was going to DIE when i had Leif, i was so exhausted. And i want to prevent that happening again. So anyway, cheer me on!! excercise is NOT my forte!! i'll enjoy getting back into my Cindy seminars though!!!

One more thing. Can I ask for your prayers? today 2 major things are happening.. my grandmother is getting a much needed surgery, and she's old and frail even though she's tough as nails :-) and My sister has her drunk driving hearing which in all likelyhood is going to go very badly for her. I just request that you all pray for God's will in each of these events and that regardless of what happens may it glorify God and promote healing for each of these special women in my life.

Thank you!!
Rebecca

Baruch Hashem

My dad called tonight and gleefully asked me if i remembered what "Baruch Hashem" means. I replied... Hmm... not exactly... and he quickly quipped "Praise be His name" His mood had drastically improved since yesterday when i talked to him. We are currently very close. This is not always the case. Usually, it is more like we are quite distant, even hostile. But right now things are good. He mentioned Baruch Hashem, because things had improved drastically for him and his business, and he was letting me know that he would be able to loan me some money next month for my impending potential ROOT CANALS! AAAAAAK!!! that's a whole nother story. But it occurred to me that Yes, BARUCH HASHEM! I may have a nasty case of the flu, be getting over a massive rejection and layers upon layers of humiliation resulting from that... money might be impossibly tight, I might be having a really bad hair day and smell kind of "OFF" and i might be drifting in and out of deep depression, but regardless of what the day brings, BARUCH HASHEM! Because somehow, i know that the Lord is going to make miracles happen for me. I'm exhausted and beat down and lonely and sad, but BARUCH HASHEM!!! Because tomorrow is another day and HE is right there with me, trudging through the muck.

Stuff...

Today was good. busy, but good. Teresa is here, and the kids, and its been so wonderful. i'm so sad that they are leaving tomorrow AM. I'm going to really miss C.J's toothless smile and Savannah's beautiful gentle spirit, and Taylor's cheerful perky disposition, and noodle's quiet steady soft cuteness and Lizzy's adorable pronunciation of words. They are like my kiddos... it still feels like i lost half my family. Teresa's ok too, LOL!!

Things have been fun but surreal. different, and exciting and a nice break. Tomorrow is going to be rough because my routine is OFF and my quiet time has been nonexistant, haven't been walking, getting back into the swing of things is going to be really really hard. And i'm scared. I still feel like i'm teetering along the side of a cliff. I'll feel totaly fine and then something will come up and will remind me of something i just want to be DONE with. i really wish we could move, just move and start over. But we can't so here i am! I just have to keep breathing in and out and putting one step in front of the other.

Anyway, someday things will be ok, i'm sure of that! so i'm just going to wait for someday and until then just soak it in, all of it, love, pain, fear, nausea, what ever it is, bring it ON! and breathe...

wow....

isn't it funny how when God gives you information it doesn't come in little bits, gradually trickling in like a drippy garden hose but rather shoots out like it instantly turned on full blast. WOW. I asked and God is providing! Dang.... my new mentor Stacy has been showing me the most amazing things. Its funny because up until a month or so ago, i never really realized there was something really WRONG with me. I mean something deeply deeply WRONG. But after having worked through my issues for several years, and then having several years of calm, the time had again come and i was able to see myself without the filter that i usually saw through. The clarity was there and i could see that while everything seemed just fine, things were NOT fine. I learned that all my life i lacked a covering. My dad never provided that for me. i went from pretty much birth to when i married andy without any protection of any kind. I went through childhood abused and tormented and each time something would happen, it would reinforce the idea that satan had planted that i am horribly horribly defective. Because why would my stepmother hate a little 5yo child if she wasn't unlovable or bad, or evil. And that's only one side of my messed up family situation, the other side was even worse. But i'm not going to get into that. I will say, however that that whole childhood left me feeling like i didn't have any kind of worth, but the thing was i didn't realize it. I didn't realize that i felt that i didn't have the right to defend my body, as a young teen dating older boys. I have NEVER felt that i had a right in any way to trouble anyone with my problems or my issues. And whenever anything bad has happened in my adult life, i have heaped the blame square on my own shoulders. And i would repent over and over again but the guilt never seemed to go away. Or it would but gradually would be replaced when my guard was down. I now recognize the importance of having my husband's covering to safeguard me. Why did satan go to eve and not adam? because she's a woman and with that amazing sensitivity that we women have comes a very deep vulnerability. I NEED Andy's protection, every second of every day, because he is the one God has put in my life to cover me. Its remarkable, when we first dated, and my waist was significantly smaller, it was the most soothing thing, that he could wrap his arms around me almost double. I felt so SAFE with him. And i still do. Thank GOD that he is the "chaser" in our relationship because that affords me the tiniest bit of security. But after so many years of hating myself and not even realizing it, i was made aware of what i'm doing, and how horribly self destructive i'm being. WOW, it was an eye opener to say the least. and what's more, when i deride myself and constantly insult the very core of my being, i'm also insulting the spirit of God who lives inside of me. Would i go to God and say "you are HIDEOUS!" "YOU are so UGLY" "YOU are FAT and USELESS and completely UNLOVABLE" Of course not. Not only is it ludicrous but its blasphemous! But that is EXACTLY what i do when i say those things to myself. its a sin, and nothing less. But like every other sin, its forgivable and its fixable. With God's help i'm going to dig out that little sliver of self hatred that satan has planted deep inside me and God is going to take this mess and turn it into something beautiful. God can take my life and turn it around to glorify Him just as soon as i allow him to do so, and i am GOING to do that!!! Starting NOW!!!

Today

Today is a good day!! I missed my walk because Leif kept wanting to nurse and then finally got up, and by then, i needed to work on school. Dh has said its time to crack down on working a LOT more dilligently with schoolwork, so saturday we sat down and figured out how we could make the days work more manageably so i can get done the humongous amount of stuff done that needs to be done. Today is going well. A few things came up that threw off our plan, but only minor things, like that i was planning to do math first, but was unable to so now we will do it last but its only 939 and all we have left to do is history and math, so i'd say that's pretty good! Daylight Savings is working so much to our advantage! today anyway!!

I finally started reading the book "created to be his helpmeet" By Debi Pearl, which Teresa has been trying to get me to read for months... It is making SO much sense. So far i've read about how God created woman to be a helper to her husband. Which obviously is NOT a PC suggestion and one i've resisted for a long time. But the thing is, i'm a Christian woman and i believe the Bible to be inerrant. If that is so, then i must accept this concept which is WELL supported in scripture. I'm blessed also that i don't have a dh who will take advantage and abuse that. I think though that love is limited if you hold something back. To give of yourself is to give your WHOLE self, and take whatever risks that entails. I know that Andy has given his whole self to ME and i think its time i did the same. So anyway, I'm looking forward to continuing my study and learning more. Today my focus is to think of ways that i can be helpful to Andy, to think of what his perfect helpmeet would be like and to BE that person! To the best of my ability of course. So today i made us a hot breakfast and made his sandwhich for lunch. We read our Bible readings, talked a bit and i sent him off, hopefully well equipped to have a great day and to share Christ with others. I think a while back when i was trying so hard to get my mind off stuff, i was on the right track but focusing on serving others, when i should have started with the proper chain of assistance which is...

God
Husband
Children
church family
World

First priority when it comes to serving, after God is Andy! DUH! Sometimes its hard to learn the simplest things, then you look back and it is obvious JUST how simple those things are!! Anyway, things are looking up! Please pray for me, anyone who is reading. And i'll pray for you too, whoever you may be!
Rebecca

Today

Today was rough! Everything just sorta came together in the most difficult way possible, if that makes any sense.... And i think i'm pretty much done trying to be positive. It's not working. Life is HARD now. I want to move. I REALLY just want to move to Oregon, and then everything will be ok! But its not happening. PLUS, My children's cyber school is tightening their standards and i've been a slacker and really need to get our schedule back on track AND keep decent records which is a nightmare for me, i'm a flaky artist type. NOT an organized person. But i'm getting there, i will say that... So this weekend is going to be spent working on that, and getting the schoolroom out of the ruins of legos.

Want to join my pity trip? here's my latest scrap-therapy layout. It didn't work though... usually when i make a scrap therapy, like my miscarraige one, i immediately feel better. This one just made me feel more depressed.

Walking and ear buds.

Its been a long while since i went walking. There's been lots going on. Between my dad being here and various other issues i've been swamped. I've been continuing my study on the "tongue" NOT the "mouth" LOL! It amazes me how much God's word has to say about it. And i've really made a good effort to control my weaknesses this week. I've been working on gossiping, speaking negatively of others and particularily myself, and just being overall negative. I had NO idea how much this is an issue for me, but i see now that it is. And i'll tell you, it hasn't been easy. I did have a pity party moment tuesday. Some events transpired in which my personal business was brought to another couple who is close to us, with which i was really uncomfortable. It made me think about the original situation and think, MAN, i could have just lied. I could have just made up some whopper about the original situation, and i'd not BE in THIS ugly situation. Is honesty really the best policy? Who knows. But i'm rolling with the punches and doing my best to remain positive.

Back to the topic at hand. I went walking, and realized i'd misplaced (or they wandered off, LOL) my nice earphones Andy got me, and i needed to use my earbuds. Now one key bit of information about my ear canals are that they are really SMALL. Especially the right ear. Ear buds don't stay in. they fall right out, no matter how much I try to cram them in there! Today i was thankfully blessed with a whole lot of ear wax! So that helped! i still found myself replacing the ear buds all through my walk. But it was totally worth it to wake up to Cindy! Click on the link and check out Cindy Rushton if you are not already familiar with her. She's AWESOME! I really get the whole walking thing! If you can get past the boredom, IE. by listening to music, or Cindy or something, then walking, and the resultant endorphines are a great way to start the day! So here i am, all endorphined up, ready to start my day. Praying that we can move to oregon, and please God, no more hits! I'm fragile.

WOW!

I had an amazing experience last night!!! I went out for mom's night out with a couple of girls from my mops group, and we got to talking about stuff and my situation came up. A special person (you know who you are, THANK YOU!!) managed to convince me that it was NOT entirely my fault. And the more I think about it, the more the progression of events makes sense. My husband's covering was definately lacking, (I don't mean that in a blaming way... in fact, neither of us knew such a thing existed until last night!!) But it really shows me how everything came together in such a way. And what's more, i KNOW God has a plan for what i've been through, and i know God will allow me to be an instrument for His glory!! A few posts down i talked about how i am so very open hearted toward people, and I realize now that that is exactly how God wants me to be! YES! i will get hurt sometimes, but that's ok! i can get through anything with God's protection, and if He sees fit to use my life for His glory, then so be it! I'm honored to be that instrument! And what's more, those voices that tell me i'm a terrible person and i'm this and that, they are LIES straight from the pit of Hell, and i'm speaking death! Its no wonder i feel like "i've fallen and i can't get up" And that i've come to God in tears so many times apologizing and come to Andy so many times apologizing and am forgiven instantly but can't seem to let it go myself. But that's it! i'm done with that and i'm moving ahead and i AM going to church on sunday. I am forgiven and i have one more weapon against satan under my belt in the process. And i'm going to be doing a word study on "the mouth" and really watching carefully what comes out of my mouth regarding myself and even others. I've had a really bad attitude toward a lot of people and there's no place for that anymore! God is SO good and i'm living in that starting NOW!!!
R

UGG.

My dad is coming to visit today. That is always really stressful. we have "issues". AND we have at least one overdraft, probably more... and i woke up this am with the sinking sensation that my blockbuster movies were overdue, so i took the girls and we returned them. OH and i got up at 8:30 today, which means i was the last one up, and the house is trashed. Did i mention i have an overnight guest coming this afternoon? So i told the kiddos, to clean up their mess, because when I went to bed last night the house was NOT trashed, so clean up their mess and i'll be hiding out in my bedroom till its done. I can't afford to be in a bad mood today because grandpa is coming and that automatically puts me in a bad mood. 2 bad moods is a bad thing. The good news is its mops moms night out tonight! woohoo! i seriously need to make some friends. i think we'll be skipping school today. Have to clean the kids bedrooms so that we can put grandpa in the girls room and the girls with the boys in their room, which will be extra easy today because alex has been sleeping on the couch since he's up so much with his sore throat. I can't believe its so bad still, its been 9 days since he got his tonsils out and he's a wreck! i totally need to find some time for my quiet time with the Lord today... usually its in the am but if i oversleep, i miss it. I need a back up plan for exercise and quiet time for when i oversleep, particularily if i am pregnant this month, which is entirely possible.. Dh and i have been getting along beautifully. :-) Somehow today i want to get my quiet time and exercise in, and i also want to get some good solid scrap time in. I totally need some stress relief!!!!

Today

Today was amazing!!! Well, it started out kind of rough... i wandered around at 5 am for about 15 minutes trying to find my tennis shoe, one was missing... finally found it in the shed where i'd just packed away summer clothes, OOPS! then wandered around some more looking for the MP3 player... finally found it, then took one step out of the house on my way to walk, and battery conked. soooo... i had to endure a walk WITHOUT any distraction. YIKES. Listening only to the thoughts in my head, not great, especially right now. But then i started to have a really good day. Today is MOPS, and it was SO nice getting out, having a yummy breakfast, hanging out with other GROWNUPS, it was wonderful. Then the speaker was talking about how she'd lost 125 lbs, at LEAST what i need to lose, and she was talking about the spiritual side of overeating, which really struck a nerve with me. She talked about how she'd always equated God as being a Father, and her own father had left her family.. and it really prevented her from having a FULL view of God's love. It really made me wonder if perhaps that might be my problem. I mean my dad never left, he was just gone all the time, and then when my mom abandoned me as well, i really didn't have any experience of a parent who was present. I wonder if i just don't have any kind of idea what that kind of love is. Perhaps not, i mean, i have 5 of my own children, whom i love more than words can express, and so that has to come from somewhere... maybe i learned not to rely on my parents at all, and got into the habit so its hard to rely on God? maybe... just speculating. So then at our table time we talked about what our major issue was, and as each person brought up what was going on with them, i was like, YEP, me too, Yep, yep, yep... and it occurred to me DUH, no wonder i'm so stressed out... my life is a DISASTER!! that was almost strangely reassuring if you can believe that! Maybe it was just a clue that i'm not crazy but rather feel crazy because i'm in a crazy stressed out situation. And i was thinking on the way home, WOW, God really had worked hard to get me to MOPS, long story, but it was undoubtably a divine action, and i thought it was all about meeting other moms and having fun, and it turns out its time to work on my issues. Blech! LOL. no, i appreciate His provision, but i know its going to be a whole lotta no fun for a while still. OH and my dad just called to tell me when he was coming, and oh yeah, by the way, your sister broke her neck a couple weeks ago. (!!!!!) Apparently, she's probably going to recover ok, and she's out of the hospital with one of those neck things on, she wasn't paralized, but i'd appreciate prayer, anyone who's reading! Anyhow, that's my life! over and out!

Redemption

How do you even begin to make up for serious wrongs committed against someone. And how do you do that when you've pretty much sinned against everyone around you and God himself? Of course we know that God forgives pretty much any sin, when you repent and begin anew

Acts 10:43

43All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name."

Acts 13:38

38"Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.

Acts 2:38
Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

But other PEOPLE? Yeah, not so much! And even so, sometimes, even receiving someone's forgiveness isn't enough, because sometimes, when you do something that is SO wrong, its nearly impossible to forgive yourself. I know as a mom, i tend to feel guilty about EVERYTHING, regardless of how much of it I could reasonably be expected to control. So when something happens that IS my fault, WOW, it is overwhelming.

So how, in light of all that can someone find redemption? This verse really gets me-

Romans 3:23-25

23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement,[a] through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished—

"Freely by His grace" Pretty cool stuff. But here I am, and wallowing doesn't even begin to go there. I'm stuck and i feel trapped and I just wish this could all be over with, life just feels too hard right now. Now, don't freak out... I'm not planning an eternal solution. This is just how i feel right now, and this blog is exactly that outlet, right?

there's so many thoughts running through my head... HOW could i be so easily duped. WHY would i ever give in to such STUPID temptation. WHY WHY WHY?? I am so needed and i'm a MESS. My children are all out of whack, because they know something is very wrong even though i don't cry around them and try to smile sometimes. Alex, my emotional barometer, has had a constant worried look on his face? and is frequently mouthing to me (since he STILL can't talk from getting his tonsils out) "Are you OK?" and i smile and say, "yeah, i'm fine" But i'm not. I wish i could move across the country and start over, but i can't do that. Better yet, i wish we could move to Oregon, to live this simple life she keeps telling me about, in a cohesive Christian community. It sounds heavenly. But here i am, trying to be content in a situation that makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come out. So many insecurities that haven't reared their ugly heads are coming back to me. I'm so self-conscious.

If anyone is reading this, please pray for me. I really need some direction right now.

Can I just vent for a moment??

God is kicking my butt the last couple days. I don't know why.... i guess its a learning experience. Maybe he's saying Bec- get over it! stop being a big dumb dog that bounds after who ever has the bone. Stop throwing yourself under the bus! Because somehow, its not enough to have grown up being constantly smashed down, being kicked in the face over and over and pulled back up, repeatedly for another beating. Somehow, i actually SEEK out, be it subconsciously or whatever friends who will eventually hurt me, betray me, or just plain abandon me for someone more fun. I am TIRED! I am SO TIRED. And i really hate life right now. And i can't for the life of me understand WHY i am so darn self destructive. HECK, if i wanted betrayal, antagonism and rejection i could just look up my MOTHER!! Give HER a chance to kick me around some more. She only got 18 years to do it! I'm sure she'd love another peice of me!

Perhaps its not that malicious at all. Perhaps God was just trying to show me who my REAL friends are. Teresa, whom i KNOW i could tell ANYTHING to, and she'd love me anyway, and i've tested this a number of times, she's a gift, a real gift. And frank too. But i think most notable is Andy. I have been selfish and self-obsessed, and grumpy and depressed and he's been there through all of it. When "I" betrayed "HIM" in such a big way, much worse than any of the bad stuff i've done to anyone else, he didn't give up on me, He didn't say "Screw her! she can live in her own miserable world alone" He just stood up and took it and loved me anyway. He behaved like a true man, and in that i got to see WHO the man really was, and how ridiculous it would have been for me to try to trade that for a very sorry substitute. It was like a side by side comparison, becuase sometimes, God needs to send me very BIG messages in order for me to get it. So while i may not have a man who sends me away on girl vacations and cooks for me regularily and chit chats all night like a girlfriend, i have a man who adores me and loves me enough to stick around even when i'm unlovable. I guess out of this whole miserable experience i've learned what a real man is, who i can trust, and more notably to pull my head out of my butt and not be stupid enough to trust everyone.

Former optimist turned pessimist saying OVER AND OUT!

My anniversary

Yesterday was mine and Andy's 14th anniversary. Wanna see what i woke up to yesterday??



Cool huh? this is BIG. Andy has a LOT of redeeming qualities but flowers is NOT one of them :-) Anyway, i got to the kitchen in my jammies and stood there wondering how on earth he made THAT happen, since he's at work, and i immediately got the camera, and removed the coffee from my 2 year old's lips, "Coffee, DOOOD!" Says Leify, and snapped a couple pics. I oohed and Aaahed, adn the children LAUGHED and watched, and finally Nik couldn't hold it in any longer... "DAD'S IN THE SCHOOL ROOM!!!" he burst out! Oh my gosh, he had been waiting in there like an hour, when he told nik to wake me up! i'd totally slept in. Normally i get up at 5 or 530 but i had a long night with Alex, giving him his narcotics ever 4 hours (he just had his tonsils out tuesday) and just zonked out.

So anyway, he'd managed to get off work after the sort, and surprise me... WOW! It was a sign. I made a big decision about our relationship i'd been agonizing over for weeks. (not getting into the specifics, you'll just have to use your imagination, but suffice to say it was a GOOD one!!!) And we went for a walk for like over an HOUR, He dragged my sorry ass ALL over the neighborhood, and my lower back was killing me, but it felt GOOD! and we talked and talked and talked...

Then that afternoon, i finalized some things, and dealt with a situation i had, (again, use the imagination, its your friend) in limbo, and did. It was humiliating and humbling, and i'm glad to be done. And now, with a renewed passion for my marraige, we are starting over. By gones are gone, and we're moving on. Though i'm having a REALLY hard time forgiving myself... And i'm having a hard time making sense of life... HOW is it possible to NOT recieve love from someone who has adored you for like 15 years, and conversely TO recieve it from someone who doesn't even intend it. It doesn't make any sense.. usually i'm really good at the interpersonal thing, but i'll be darned if i'm not losing my touch! Maybe we'll pull out the love languages book and re-read that... its an awesome read, and we are so opposite. I'm an acts of service person, and andy's a physical touch person, primarily which is a conflict.

So we went out on our weekly date night for three, andy me and leif, and sat at jack in the box and just talked and talked and talked... it was like we were dating again. VERY cool. Talking is important.... its hard for a ultra yappy person when the other person in the marriage doesn't TALK a lot! in fact, i remember my dad didn't like Andy when i first introduced him, probably in part becuase he met him, tapping on the window of andy's car when we were in it, making out :-) but mostly he found him suspicious because he was quiet. (no doubt scared to death meeting a girlfriend's father that way!) I guess that's how it is with us boisterous loud jews :-) Anyway, i digress! (big surprise there!!!)

Ultimately i know that while life sucks right now, everything is going to be ok. And i have an amazing aroma in my living area... and beautiful flowers. Want to see the view from my computer? here it is!



a dozen long stemmed roses in a ginormous pickle jar! LOL!!!!! :-)

QUICK

Get in on this at the last second!!! a contest to win a BEAUTIFUL apron!!!!!

http://pennyraine.com/blog/2008/09/another-holiday-apron-give-away-contest/

Today

Today i'm going to MOPS. I'm kind of nervous... i haven't been to a mops group since my church's MOPS stopped letting homeschoolers come Grr.... But Amy talked me into it, and i REALLY do need to stop being antisocial and get on with my life!!! So we'll see how that goes! I tend to not fit in very well at MOPS but this one is specifically homeschool friendly, which leads me to believe there might be others "Like" me, LOL. Anna got up at 5:30 this morning and she IS going to take a nap today, and i'm sure i'll be joining her... i feel like the walking dead this morning. I got up early and didn't even do my Bible study or walk this AM. Ugg.. i'm just drinking my homemade mocha and trying to WAKE UP. I've been working hard on my design team layouts for SXC and i'm very psyched! I'm hoping to finish up the kit today. Well, back to reality.

Sunrise

Today on my morning walk, i realized i'd reached that point where i could feel my legs being stronger than the week before. That is SO cool, it happened last time i was walking consistantly when Teresa still was here. What an encouragement. Plus i was priviledged to walk during just the very beginning of sunrise... Of course its hard to see, since where i live is blanketed with a thick covering of pine trees... so i could just barely see a tinge of pink peeking up through the trees. It was inspiring and a reminder of God's presence. At the same time it was a slightly melancholy moment. The romantic in me thought, how nice it would be to do this walk hand in hand with the man i love. And i wonder where that man has gone. Its like he's replaced with an angry version. Ahh well... Someday perhaps. Its hard to even think about how alone i am right now. If i think too hard, i don't think i'd ever stop crying, because "alone" is NOT me. I want my best friend back, and i want my husband back. But wanting doesn't make it so. I'm stuck. But heck, I'll count my blessings for what they are. Today i'm going to focus on others, and not on myself... maybe i'll even start my gratitude journal today. But overall i think that the key to not being overwhelmed with self is to focus on being a blessing to others. That's the only thing i've found to satisfy. Anyhow.. another day.... And i'm going to make the most of it.

Depression for Christians

I'm not sure anyone actually READS my blogs, other than my scrappy blog. I kind of feel like i'm talking to myself, LOL but regardless, it helps me to process information to get it down and read it. So maybe this might be encouraging to someone else and if not, it will be a good reminder to me!

Anyway, on my walk this morning, i listened to an audio seminar on depression. It was very informative, and really gave me some tools to look back to... here's what i can remember

1. keep a handy, accessable list of Bible verses that support you and encourage you. It has to be handy or you won't use it.

2. eat well, and avoid white flour and sugar as much as possible.

3. DRINK water, and avoid caffeine.

4. Exercise... like for me, since i find walking to be about the most boring thing ever, i bring my mp3 player loaded with Cindy rushton seminars! It was painful for dh to load it up for me, he was like, "you dont' want ANY music?? this is going to be the most boring MP3 player EVER" LOL!!!!! but i personally like the seminars.. do whatever floats your boat.

5. Watch for times that throw you off, hormonal times, situations, etc. and guard your heart and thoughts. Also when your kids are acting up and you feel like flipping out, stop yourself, it only makes things worse.

6. last but not least, maintain your daily time with the Lord!! regular prayer time and Bible time is ESSENTIAL. Its i think the one make or break solution. For me the only thing that really works is to get up REALLY early, otherwise my mind is just too occupied, and i can't focus. Also remember to maintain your relationship with God, Talk to Him throughout the day, aloud if you prefer. Think of how your relationship with your dh suffers when you don't talk enough... same with God!

TRIALS

Wow, what a week its been. We just discovered some information about a close family member that was jolting, it was one of those moments where you think "WHOA, WHERE have i been?!?" You know, how you just sometimes get consumed with your own life and problems and just don't even notice the pain of those around you. I think maybe because we've been dealing with such big issues ourselves, marital issues, personal depression issues, spiritual issues... we've been well occupied with issues. But in all this i've discovered something amazing. Trials are so there for a reason! The thing is, a relationship with God is such an issue of reliance.. there's no place for independence in the life of a Christian. We are so very needy and it HAS to be that way! If we were ABLE to meet our own needs, WHY would we need God. Its become evident in my life that i'm WHOLLY unable to meet my own needs, that i try, and fail, and fall smack on my face, over and over again, but every time, there He is, ready, willing and able to pick me up, brush me off and give me the Chutzpa to start over again. Honestly it still hurts to think that God is STILL allowing us to go through this trial, this nearly year long, excruciating trial. As i'm scraping my marriage off the ground and starting over, and waking up each day and trying to cope with not having the Matz' here, all the while knowing that while we want so desperately to move to be near them that its NOT happening any time soon. As it becomes harder and harder to make our budget work, and feed everyone affordably, as i deal with the rejection from my own mother and the cluelessness of my father, its so easy to feel completely alone in the world. I feel powerless but at least i can fall back into the loving arms of a Father who is a true father. Who will ALWAYS be there for me and put me first, as if i was an only child. And i'm sure learning how to do that. I'm acknowledging every miracle for what it is, a miracle and a gift. I'm discovering my own inadequacies and in the process learning of God's sufficiency. What more could i want? Well, for starters, i want others to know Him! i want others to understand these things, and realize they are NOT alone. But what can I do? I can really only pray for mercy, for God to understand that those who have rejected Him have done so out of their own pain and confusion and lack of being raised with a true and abiding faith, instead being raised with "religion" which is such a poor shell of a substitute. And that I do. As we start the CHRISTmas season, it becomes even more evident what its all about. More on that later because i have a lot to say... But for now, its time to get dressed and get walking!!

A week of free giveaways!

oooh... check out this blog and the giveaways she's offering all week!!! Cool stuff!!

14 ways to keep your sanity and embarrass your kids at the same time

Ok, so i am SO TOTALLY going to do this!!! i found this at the family man blog

14 Ways to Keep a Healthy Level of Sanity and embarass your children at the same time
September 25, 2008

1. At lunch time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks…Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso! ! ! !

5. Finish All Your sentences with ‘In Accordance With The Prophecy’.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

11. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

12. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

13. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

14. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’

~forwarded by Allen P.

UGG UGG UGG!!!

I am having a REALLY bad day and had to vent!!!

Ok, so i started the day 40 minutes early when dh forgot to turn off his alarm when he got up. God into a fight with dh about an entirely different issue before he went to work. Kids giving me a hard time about doing anything they saw as "hard". Gave them the "if you were in public school..." lecture. Obsessed about how a certain beautiful person gets whatever her heart desires and more when some of us are stuck with constant drudgery, and its NO FAIR. OH so then after the rampage i was DETERMINED my slacker children were going to get started on their math. But of course, CAN'T FIND the dvd.. I DID however, find the dvd Stop loss, which i didn't realize i hadn't returned to blockbuster which i think TODAY is the point i get charged for it.. so FINE, hopped in the van with Chloe who likes to tag along, stepped on the qfc reciept on the floor, which reminded me, CRAP, i went there thursday, which means i paid with a check, which hasn't go through yet, so instead of having $100 in my checking account, i have $40, $17 of that goes to alex's writing teacher, $15 goes to my glasses, IF they come in this week, knock on wood, becasuek my broken ones are driving me to the BRINK. Ok, so get in the van, drive to blockbuster, return the movie, on the way out of the parking lot, a semi truck pulls in. There's only 2 lanes. It occurs to me that the back of this semi is headed STRAIGHT for my van. LAY on the horn, thankfully the bonehead semi driver decided not to flatten Chloe and I today. pull out of the parking lot shaking my head in disgust... at the next red light, i go through my wallet and realize that i don't have my insurance card in there... Yikes... that could have been bad. Ok, so here i am.... 7:36 am..... hopefully things will improve!!!!! ARGH!

Bad mommy award

Ok, i take it today, hands down! Confession-i have a potty mouth. I do! I don't try to, in fact, i try not to, and there's really only like 2 bad words i say EVER but one of them is the one that starts SH**. So ok, now my 2 year old is running around the house, in his expressive, manly way, shouting completely in context, SH**, SH**, SH** over and over and OVER again.... in fact, as i just called his God mother to discuss the small group for our church that we host at our house tonight, he was SCREAMING and LAUGHING, SH**, SH**, SH**. She wasn't home, WHEW!

a couple of great blogs

Ok, so i'm into theology, its one of my strange hobbies... and thought i'd share in case any of you are as well! keep an eye out, i'll be adding to this.

http://www.dougwils.com/
http://www.voddiebaucham.org/vbm/Blog/Blog.html

Here I am, Here am I

Doesn't that sound like a Charlie Crews-ism? any other "Life" fans? I adore that show... can't wait for the new season! anyway, i was up at 4:45 this am, and it now 6:06 and i'm BORED! my friends went to make breakfast for the homeless at the mission and left their 2 little ones with me. They are adorable. What a blessing to get to watch them once in a while. Its a good life. I love getting up before everyone else. I like QUIET! and maybe some quiet praise music in the background. Today i'm going to go to church, then go to the going out of business sale at the local homeschool store and buy MORE books. Already been there TWICE! LOL. I hope all goes well with Erica. She's a lovely person. Ok, i actually don't have a whole lot to say. Put THAT down in the record books!!

Its all about ME!!

What a way to start a blog, right? Well, its true. This blog, is entirely about me. About my feelings, my thoughts, my concerns, good stuff i find and want to share, and my ever present philosophies of life. First an introduction, my name is Rebecca. I live in rainy paradise with my dear hubby of 14 years next month, my 5 beautiful children and no pets! I feel kind of liberated about that and had to make that distinction.

I'm starting a blog for a number of reasons but primarily because i want to be able to go back and read truths i've discovered when i'm sinking into a pit, as a way of pulling myself out. You see, i've recently come out... well, i'd not say i'm OUT but i'm in a semi-healthy state at the moment, and am at least starting to see truth as truth, and am not completely decieved as was the case a month ago. I went through a very difficult period... maybe a midlife crisis? and was in the position where i had to decide WHAT i believed and what i wanted my life to be. I think that being a fairly easygoing person, i'd sort of let my life happen without being party to it, and started to resent that and wonder where "I" was in all that... I allowed myself to go places i never would have thought possible.. i've definately been humbled. That is for sure. And i think that's a good thing.

But i basically had to ask myself a few critical questions. Is God real and do i believe what i say i believe. and the answer was a resounding YES!! So next the question was, is my life God's will for my life? Another YES! and finally, do i choose to obey God's calling for my life? Because let's face it, i'm autonomous, i can choose to live my life however i want. But i DO want to do the right thing. I've discovered i can't possibly do it on my own so i'm seeking Him and trusting that He will pull me out of the pit as he always has before i've been consumed. I trust Him. So here i am. I am first a daughter of the King, second a wife, third a mother, fourth a friend, sister, and neighbor. In all reality it ISN'T all about me, and i'm OK with that!